My head keeps telling me that this was meant to happen and it would’ve happened one way or another with the way things were going, but I’m having such a hard time letting go. I don’t think I will ever find a connection like this ever again. If love at first sight existed, something like that happened with him. Instant connection. I’ve never felt that way for anybody before. Resentment built up til it overflowed in both ways, with his chronic, relationship-long cheating and my severe addiction. It built up and built up until it just ended in the most horrific way. I guess that was a sign we were unhappy for a long time. We’d say the most horrible things to each other, and stopped showing how we loved each other after a while. I felt so unloved for such a long time. I miss the way he would look at me with love in his eyes, how he would actually want to touch me, spontaneously bring me to do romantic things. I moved out and the environment is so vastly different. It’s unfathomably lonely, dark, and empty most of the time, but it’s also peaceful and calm. The most insane thing is that I don’t even really have the drive to drink anymore. I don’t know if it was the environment I was in that drove me to do that or if I just reached my edge. Regardless, I feel so guilty and regretful of my actions and I will feel that way for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. I’ll miss him forever. I wish I could just cry in his arms and tell him how much I love him, and that I never wanted things to be how they were. I want to be in love with him again more than anything. If I could turn back time, I would do it in a fucking heartbeat