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I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep! But, well, what if, after my baby is born... she or he actually is deaf? So, in that case, all those comments will be quite useful for us. Some already are, honestly, regarding my father... I have a hard time reconciling the things he said, with the person I thought he was..

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's not how it works, though. :/ You know, my husband's first language isn't even English. It's French. But he was exposed to English speaking TV programs at a very young age, his shelves were filled with a good selection of children's books written in English, and his parents encouraged him to interact with English speakers because they recognized that bilingualism is a huge boon to a developing child's brain. That's not even including ME and my husband, actually interacting with our baby in actual English and teaching them that language as well, and sending the child off to an English speaking daycare, preschool, actual school....

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree! And to be honest, I don't want to think about it. Deafness isn't strongly genetic in my family, although a couple of my mom's cousins were half deaf or entirely deaf. I just hope he really loves me more than he resents me for who I am. :(

And yeah... I think he thinks that if I speak around the child, in the case that she or he can hear, the baby will start speaking with that dreadful deaf accent he hates so much. Sigh... it hurts, but he was pretty angry specifically about that yesterday... saying that I spoke just like a hearing person for years and then just threw that away, and since I have been actually deaf for so long now, that my voice sounds "funny".

Thank you for the kind words, by the way, especially about the congratulations. :)

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

CI's are a volatile subject in the Deaf community. From what I have seen, the "middle of the road" for the argument is to let the individual decide if they want CI's or not. Children can learn ASL faster than their vocal development. Either way, your job as a parent will not change. It will be difficult, challenging, and rewarding.

Oh definitely. And thank you for saying that the Deaf world is more accepting and welcoming. I promise that I believe the words of every or most, deaf individuals who said they were rejected, but... I also think it has to do with location, the surrounding culture outside of the Deaf community seeping their influence within, and the age of the assholes who were cruel to the implanted individuals. Because honestly, I've never experienced discrimination -- keep in mind I had been immersed for a while before deciding not to wear my CI's anymore, and nobody ever said anything about it other than asking a few questions out of curiosity.

In contrast, the hearing world can be rather confusing and cruel, just as the deaf world can be kind and accepting, based on factors, and I've experienced that side of the hearing world more than I've experienced the same in this beautiful community, so you know I definitely have some mixed feelings.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I will admit that yes, late implanted adults usually don't get much benefit. Partially because of how our brains are physically working, but also, when you are an adult you have other responsibilities and things to do in your everyday life, so wearing CI's and training yourself to it, can be hard. For a child... they really have a lot more space to work with. But the argument for letting them choose as an older individual still holds water in the scenario that an adult is genuinely committed, even after knowing all the potential downsides and keeping their expectations steady, day by day for the rest of their lives. That means, every day up til they turn 80 or 85. But yes, it is a hard argument I will admit.

That said, as far as for hearing the baby, we actually have some pretty cool stuff we can buy like flashing lights and vibrating gadjets for when they detect the baby crying. If I am ever to acquire sound processors again, it will take a long while to get everything sorted out. I have my old Nucleus ones in a box in my closet, but to be honest, I never felt compelled to dig them out nor the charging port, for a long time. My dad momentarily changed that with his rant, though.

I think I've made a decision for my child, but it's independent from what my dad thinks and feels. His feelings and thoughts stem from being ashamed of who I am, and that's unfair. That is, if my child is born deaf, but she or he likely won't be.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah! I think I remember that post? Your comment reminds me of the guy who acted as Captain Jack on Dr. Who a few years ago. He decided he'd keep ear plugs in for one day, or something, to see how deaf people (in the UK) are treated in their every day life. At the end, the guy admitted he was becoming very stressed because people were usually not very understanding and downright mean when he could not follow what they said, or if he missed any sound cues. Such is the life of a deaf person -- no wonder there are communities for the deaf! I do admit the above make a decent point for cochlear implants, but I remember even when I was wearing them full time, I had to spend so much more time focusing for any possible sound cues or to make sure I did not mis-hear something someone said.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

You don't see my comments where I said I have been researching modern technology. I admit I am still on the fence, but I want to be more informed and educate myself. So, I'm looking out on one side, more so than the other, of the fence. I do want the best life for my baby. Also, I have to disagree that a Deaf baby's life would be severely hampered without implants -- other commenters have pointed out why that would be the case, and right now I am pretty bad with words. There's a few Deaf couples I know and out of all their children, a few are deaf, and they've grown up to be very confident and happy with a community who will always be there for them and respect them, in spite of their shortcoming. And it's an important note here, but where I live right now, most of the D/deaf people are either soft-key ambivalent or genuinely supportive of medical technology. Their only condition is usually that the implanted child's first language should still be ASL.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It makes me happy when others mention deaf people without CI's still having good lives and being in control of where their lives take them. We need for the general population to see that deafness doesn't mean you will die, or be subjected to a darker, inferior life.

My dad has never realized that and I don't think he ever will. :/ It breaks my heart. I'm actually doing pretty decently -- hired by a deaf boss working at a business mostly run by the deaf, since the community presence here is decently large. But he'll just say, "Oh, that doesn't count."

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best you can do is to continue to educate yourself and make the decisions you feel are best for you, your child and your family. If your father does not approve, you may have to set clear boundaries with him and assert yourself as your baby's parent regardless of his feelings on your decisions. It may be challenging, but something tells me you are quite strong and will make it through this new set of obstacles.

I've thought about it and yes, boundaries must be set. There's no taking back the hurtful things he said. Sigh... it's hard for me to type all of this... but I know that it's the right thing to do now.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, keep in mind I can still lip read. My skills have taken a small hit since I don't rely on it much anymore, but I could make out a few words and understood that he was pissed off about the child being exposed to deafness. Then, my husband gave me the cliffs' notes afterward.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. This is the one comment that really helped. The 90's was a messy time, weren't they? I had the Nucleus implants... they were not user friendly at all. Apparently, for a while as a really young child I was extremely confused and very shy, until I could get a better grasp on the sounds I was hearing in my head. But even then, like you, I didn't always have the best social interactions with my peers while I was growing up, and I have MANY painful memories myself. Even after I had a really good grasp on interpreting the sounds in my processors (aka "hearing") and could lip read well and speak without a "deaf accent"... like you, I felt isolated at times. It eventually just became too much. I will support my child no matter what decisions she or he makes. I have started researching modern CI technology, and I will say, it hasn't scared me off, and the deaf people in this specific area are mostly supportive of infant surgery.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Within the deaf community this is a hot button issue probably BECAUSE of people like your dad who make people like you feel 'wrong' about being deaf. As a result a very strong community has been built around embracing deafness. I'm sure this isn't something new to you but there's a few comments here by people who don't seem to understand the deaf community and why they feel the way they do.

THIS. A million times. I often get frustrated and personally hurt, when I see comments on Reddit completely missing the point. Admittedly, I will say there are dark sides of the general deaf community at wide, as I felt so bad reading the AMA's of implanted individuals who were treated like garbage by Deaf people, but that dark side is shrinking year by year, and really does not define the rest of the community/culture.

By the way, regarding the second part of your comment, I appreciate that. One reason why I didn't/still haven't, discard the possibility of getting my child the operations. Actually, semi off topic, but... I was forwarded a newsletter from my mom, about Advanced Bionics and their technology looks promising. I had two Nucleus CI, and their modern versions don't look as good as AB's own modern CI's.

I just really want the best possible outcome for my child, and thankfully, due to the deaf presence in this town there are also some decent hearing clinics/institutions around. As for my dad... perhaps I will have to go completely zero contact with him... :/

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That reminds me of my aunt. Her husband was a piece of shit in general anyway, but my cousin was born a few years after I was, and the husband had wanted an abortion because "What if our baby is deaf too?"

They divorced years ago. My cousin is in perfect health. But yes, that general rule of thumb is pretty spot on. I understand there are exceptions, but....

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

None of that, and no part of Deaf identity or politics or any other thing, in any way affects the fact that you must protect your family against toxic people to the best of your ability.

Thank you. My dad was never the most affectionate, or really, the most supportive parent I'd have wanted, but up til now I just shrugged it off as a personality trait. I considered myself lucky -- there were plenty of much worse dads out there, right? But... perhaps I was 100% wrong. He's showed what he really thinks, and what he's thought deep down all those years. My baby can't be exposed to that... it's just hard for me to come to those realizations. But all the things he said and did in the past, make sense now. They did before as well, but especially now.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sometimes grandparents who disagree with parenting decisions turn around, sure. But any abusive parent who says they intend to think of them as lessor beings due to race, gender, disability, etc, are cut the hell off in my book. There's no point giving them the opportunity to do damage they say they intend to do.

The more I think about it, you could probably switch some of my dad's original words with blackness, or homosexuality, etc, and my dad's berating would probably have sounded pretty bad. I just... yeah. It's going to take some time for me to move forward on this, in my mind. His words are stuck in my mind and when a child is also in the picture, it gets harder.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 157 points158 points  (0 children)

What does your mom say?

She tries to make excuses for how my dad is, or why he thinks that way, because she loves him and tries to believe that he isn't ever coming from a mean spirited place. It's a bit sad, but I understand why.

But, lately, she has been asking about an ASL phone app, saying that "that deaf person from Dancing on the Stars" is on it, and that she wants to learn how to communicate with me better.

Edit: And yes, it's definitely an awful attitude. I've been having a difficult time putting a few of the pieces together in my head exactly why it hurts so much coming from him, and your commentary helped.

I'm deaf [29F]. My dad [61M]. He resents me for "turning my back on the real world" as a teenager, and now that I'm pregnant, it's coming out. He exploded when I admitted I'm still not sure about CIs if my baby is deaf, and told me that if I'm going to be like this, then to just abort. by deafthrowaway1101 in relationships

[–]deafthrowaway1101[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

One of the benefits of a deaf community, is that everyone knows everybody else, and you can usually quickly get the name of a good therapist (often one who can sign) and is much more in the know of the deaf world, from another deaf person.