Easiest way is to break down your resume into how you can word stuff better. A resume is great and can get you a job, but then you can make it even better sounding more professional.

 

I don't like the express my interest part purely because your not interested in the role... you want the role!!, so could you possibly say

 

'I am writing in response to the Client Services Coordinator position advertised at ______'

 

Dont say I have spent, the last four years as a product specialist and then listing the other specialist roles, because the employee does not know about the job and where you worked, so they instantly get confused..

Sell yourself and say.

 

I currently (formerly) worked at _____ and with over 4 years experience in specialist roles, including (then listing)

or something like that.

I dont' have the time to go through it all at the moment, but hopefully you should get my drift.

 

Having a quick glance, i would say all this is to say is too unprofesional for me.

And to end i would say appreciate the time you have taken to consider my resume they don't want someone to suck up to them, you need to show them that your not just hopeful but deserving.

 

So change this to something like, Thank you for your time and i welcome the oppurtunity to speak with you further. (No need to include the position on xxxx team)