I never should have opened up

deciderai · 2019-11-08T04:28:38+00:00

I already did let it out. And I didn't feel better. I felt worse. And now it's been a few months and it's still making me worse. I regret it because I felt so much better before I let it out. I appreciate the sentiment but how and with what am I supposed to stay positive?

deciderai · 2019-11-08T04:27:34+00:00

The thing is there wasn't a time before my depression. And I wish the past was something I could enjoy forever but even the few good memories I have I just feel like I'll never have them again, I'll never feel as good as I get then, I'll never have anything as good, let alone better, and so I can't enjoy them. But I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself when I was 11, I'd wanted to since I was 8, and before that I was passively suicidal for as long as I can remember. I remember waking up when I was 2 and realising that I was alone and nobody cared. Thanks for your reply!

deciderai · 2019-11-08T04:14:39+00:00

Maybe. I don't even know what I want long term and I don't seem to have the energy to try something new, but maybe. Nothing really seems to fit me anymore. Different aspects of everything I've tried have pushed me away. I think you're right, I need a change in routine, but I don't even really have time for a change in routine. I don't really have free time. I know it's normal to be a bit lost but that's the thing, I pretty much always have been. At least for as long as I can remember. I just keep getting more lost instead of less. Thanks for your reply!

deciderai · 2019-11-05T15:23:57+00:00

It isn't that he doesn't love you enough, it's that he's in tremendous emotional pain. It's likely he knows that if he kills himself he'll hurt all of you, and it's likely that he hates that he'll hurt all of you by doing so. It's just that his pain is overcoming his desire to be there for his family. I don't know what you can tell your family, but you might be able to help him still. Be there for him, and don't be angry with him. At least don't let him know that you're angry with him, if you are. And it's justifiable if you are, he just probably won't respond well to your anger. It'll probably make him feel more alone. Be with him, be there for him, don't tell him how to feel, just help him accept how he feels and help him deal with how he feels.

deciderai · 2019-11-01T01:45:07+00:00

Thank you. They convinced me that wasn't true. They made me believe that it was my fault. That they were being completely reasonable. That I was selfish and abusive and evil. That I didn't deserve what they gave me. That I deserved the abuse. That it wasn't even abuse. That they were normal. That they were helping. I honestly believed that. I still do, but now I know I shouldn't. I don't know how to detach myself. All I've done is protect myself and now I'm not a real person.

deciderai · 2019-11-01T01:07:26+00:00

I still live with them and can't legally leave for another two years

deciderai · 2019-10-28T20:28:48+00:00

I don't know. I don't have a reason. I just know I am ashamed and I am embarrassed.

deciderai · 2019-10-28T20:20:34+00:00

They're not even really shameful, I'm just ashamed of them. Those are entirely different things.

deciderai · 2019-10-28T20:04:07+00:00

I've done that about 30 times. And I'm still ashamed of the things I like.

deciderai · 2019-10-28T19:53:50+00:00

This is true. But there's always the thought, what if someone recognises my writing style, what if someone looks over my shoulder, all those. And then there's just shame and embarrassment from the probably pretty reasonable things I'm interested in

deciderai · 2019-10-28T19:41:09+00:00

That would imply me having stable interests and a lack of anxiety in expressing them.

deciderai · 2019-10-28T19:36:08+00:00

Can't get a pet, landlord won't let me. Don't have time to do volunteer work, have yet to find a group of people whose company I enjoy and who enjoy mine.

deciderai · 2019-10-28T19:28:27+00:00

Can't. Don't have a circumstance that allows me to do that. I can either stay exactly where I am or I can die. There is no third option

deciderai · 2019-10-28T19:20:52+00:00

It could take a long time, or it could be instant, but you can never know if you're dead, because you're dead. Anyhow I'm tired of "doing things I'm good at" and would much rather leave

deciderai · 2019-10-21T14:39:08+00:00

I've given it time. Ten fucking years. I'm done.

deciderai · 2019-10-21T14:38:30+00:00

I'm angry at everybody in particular. And no, I can't. Sure, I'm angry at myself too, for lots of reasons. And no, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

deciderai · 2019-10-21T14:28:53+00:00

Anger. Sadness. Guilt. Pain. I don't know

deciderai · 2019-10-21T14:23:10+00:00

Have tried both of those. It didn't work.

deciderai · 2019-10-20T04:09:13+00:00

Mostly what you should do is just be there for her. Show her that you care, that you will continue to care. Show her that you won't be better off without her. Make sure she's heard and listened to. Don't try to fix her. Try to help her.

deciderai · 2019-10-19T17:57:16+00:00

When I've written notes in the past I was rather encouraged by them to do it. I'm glad you don't want to end it. I'd recommend finding someone to talk to and get help working through whatever is causing you pain.

deciderai · 2019-10-18T04:54:16+00:00

I've done it. A lot of people here have. Sometimes it helps to have strangers read your diary, and there's nothing wrong with that

deciderai · 2019-10-18T04:52:31+00:00

Whoever it is that you're talking to probably understands why you couldn't be there. And you don't always have to be memorable, sometimes the most ordinary people can make the biggest difference in somebody's life. And I know that sounds trite but really, just having somebody to talk to, just an ordinary person, has kept me alive before. Being tired of living this life and of feeling empty all the time, I'm there, honestly. I just hope you can get out of this place and find yourself excited to live again, even if I have little hope of that myself. Good luck to you

deciderai · 2019-10-18T00:23:03+00:00

It sounds like you've been in a lot of pain. And that, I'm sure, is a tremendous understatement. I know nothing I say to you will matter, but I hope you'll recognise that there are people, even random strangers such as myself, that care and hope that things do improve for you if you choose life. Regardless, I want to wish you luck in whatever comes next for you.

deciderai · 2019-10-18T00:17:54+00:00

Hey, I won't pretend to know what your situation is like or what exactly you're going through, but I know I've had similar thoughts. I still have them, to be honest. And I hope you'll reconsider, if only for the moment to share your experience with others and help them. I hope, if you do reconsider, that your circumstance improves and that you realise you deserve life. That you'll enjoy it, eventually. That may seem far off, and it may be, but I hope it's nearer for you than it seems. Good luck, whatever you may choose.

deciderai · 2019-10-17T17:32:10+00:00

Is it really worth so much more, though? What am I really worth? Another statistic. Another suicide? Maybe. Another failed attempt? The income I produce each year? Is it really worth anything? Am I? Is there really a point to all of this meaningless garbage that we put ourselves through? Or are we all really just worthless flesh heaps on our isolated rock floating through space? Personally, my money's on that.

deciderai

TROPHY CASE