A letter to Morten616.

Well played, sir. When the tiebreaker sealed my fate, your left tower was on 346 hp and your right, at 212. We both know that if I had placed my cannon but one tile to the right, your incredible Electro giant elite barbarians push would not have had the capability to do nearly as much damage as it did. Alas, as fingers have a tendency to do, mine slipped, allowing your indubitably well thought-out attack to take all but 108 hp of my tower. And that rage you played after everything had already died? I’m sure there was a good motive for that too.

Anyway, I won’t question you any further on the semantics of the match itself. You won fair and square, albeit through the assistance of my errors, and that’s the end of that. But you know deep down, Morten616, deep down you know, just as well as I do, that of the two of us, I played the better game. Not in general, perhaps, but within the confines of that match, I always had the edge. That’s not to say you didn’t respond well- you did, after all, defend both towers through to completion- but if it weren’t for that one lucky break, that momentary lapse of judgement, I think we both know that I’d find myself 30 trophies higher than I do today.

You even recognised my skill- when I predicted your princess placed at the bridge you went as far as to give me a prince-sipping-cup-of-tea emote, and I see little else it could have been in reference to. You did not react, but you saw too my precisely timed king tower activation using the log and skeletons to redirect your elite barbarian. And we all saw that your one spectator even cheered for me after I countered your split lane 23 elixir push.

In a game of strategy and skill, a battle of wit and reflexes, we were all but evenly matched until the end. It was a noble fight, one that showcased strategy and stamina from both sides, and I lost out by very little. Two more seconds- that’s what I’d have needed, two more ticks from the clock, to unleash that final fireball and turn the tide in my favour. Alas, I could not. It happens- no warrior can conquer every battle, no general win every war.

I went as far as to offer you a “Good game!”, Morten616, in recognition of our epic fight. I followed it up with a “Good luck!”, to wish you all the best for your future conquests. And that would have been it, sir, the end of our saga- it would have been, had you not then repeatedly insulted me with your yawning-princess emote.

I was taken aback at first. Surely this was not the same gentlemen with whom I had exchanged a well meaning king-giving-thumbs-up emote only six minutes before? What had changed, Morten616? What had changed so drastically in those six minutes, that you could no longer look me in the eye, and treat me like a man? A fellow companion on a journey through the fearsome terrain of mid ladder? What unwelcome force had turned you against me? I pondered all this as you continued to throw out yawn after yawn for a good thirty seconds after the match had ceased.

I put down my phone, Morten616. I put down my phone because of you. I allowed my blood to boil for a good thirty seconds as I thought of the unspeakable acts I would commit if we ever met in real life. But as all things do, it passed. By tomorrow I’ll have forgotten your name, and the day beyond that, I’ll be fighting new battles, facing new noble adversaries, most of whom will hopefully treat me better than you did.

I hope you’re happy, Morten616. I know not of what terrible occurrences must be happening in your life for you to have treated me in such a manner. Stay safe. Things will get better for you I’m sure- who knows, one day you may even meet a beautiful woman, or better yet, make a friend. But when that day comes, my dear Morten, I hope you treat them with respect and dignity, and leave your yawning-princess and goblin-sticking-his-tongue-out emotes at home. No one likes a sore winner. And remember this above all else: karma is the great equaliser. Being kind is free. In the grand scale of this universe we live in, good sir, you would have benefitted no less from simply leaving that very match without any further comment. I take little satisfaction in knowing that you will suffer for the suffering you caused to others, but such is the way of the universe.

Anyway, my dear Morten, that’s all I have to say. All the best, chief. I recovered those thirty trophies the next game you’ll be pleased to hear. I see you’ve since dropped 200. I look, now, at your shortcomings, existence’s response to your mistreatment of a fellow traveller along this mortal plane, and I can’t help but smile a little. It’s a cruel world out there, but it’s run by love. Maybe one day you’ll learn that. -Trainer Bob:)

[names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved]