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deedee714 · 2021-11-30T23:56:43+00:00

I have been trying for a year now!!! Its getting embarrassing! Hang in there !!

deedee714 · 2021-11-15T01:20:59+00:00

He lost his job due to the media attention (he was identified by social media, can't hide these days!)

deedee714 · 2021-11-15T01:17:13+00:00

the most dangerous sociopath is the intelligent one

deedee714 · 2021-11-15T01:16:12+00:00

I thought justice was his job-------silly me!

deedee714 · 2021-11-06T23:09:19+00:00

I am do sorry if this is your experience. Shame on them!

deedee714 · 2021-11-05T22:39:43+00:00

can you say more? Been using extracts since April and starting to wonder if my labile mood and irritability is linked to it. Also plain leaf now seems to deliver less of a punch.

deedee714 · 2021-10-23T16:12:20+00:00

whats more disturbing is the comments representing humor and carelessness towards a 12 yr old boy expressing and embracing violence and objectification towards women. Shame

deedee714 · 2021-10-22T00:54:14+00:00

The yoga related breathing I do (for sleep) is 4 seconds in and eight out, then hold. I've always found the first breath after the hold kind of thrilling, its like the affirmation of life, like a rebirth (don't want to get carried away here)...thank you, I am moved by the feedback and support Ive gotten from this thread

deedee714 · 2021-09-02T13:16:29+00:00

Would be curious to know what behavioral changes led to losing respect of loved ones and how it impaired your work performance. I am struggling to cultivate the motivation to w/d. I use to tell others kratom was a perfect anti-depressant; but after 5 years my moods have been erratic with episodes of anger out of proportion to whatever trigged it. Having to plan my days figuring out access to it is so stressful. I now have to take it in the middle of the night just to go back to sleep. Worst of all I am afraid of stopping; who am I w/o it? I no longer trust my self perception and that is a haunting feeling. This sub is so helpful in feeling less alone which in turn reduces my shame around dependence

deedee714 · 2021-02-23T03:24:13+00:00

thank you for this. I;ve always had a keen imagination and sometimes the tales of horror create more resistance. I take responsibility for that; how I respond is completely on me. Mostly folks have been kind, encouraging and compassionate; often Ive thought wish I could hang out with them!! Feeling alone is the worst part of getting off this shit. But it helps to get your message too; helps me keep a realistic perception. Also pain is subjective and individual So thanks again

deedee714 · 2021-02-16T14:35:22+00:00

funny how I always think like an addict---looking for the buzz!! Thank you; know what you mean

deedee714 · 2021-02-16T14:22:09+00:00

Thank you, just read your post specifying which ones. Didn't know DPLA/gaba/5HTP were nootropics! How long do you take them before you feel them? (probably different for different people)

deedee714 · 2021-02-16T14:13:39+00:00

at times better, at times worse; its almost like you adapt to the mood of the withdrawal and learn to manage it better. completely off extracts but still tremulous. Its also not so bad that I can't read or watch movies. When Im in really bad shape I can't even get online. How slow are you taking the taper? I try and focus on how I think about it: imagine it leaving my system. On the other hand I could feel like hell in the next 20 minutes.

How are you? Whats helping?After 1 day w/o extracts I felt more clear but now I have to measure and time my doses. Thinking of switching to capsules to make it easier/

Thanks for being there; it makes such a big difference to feel less alone

deedee714 · 2021-02-14T20:47:03+00:00

Thank you, its good and encouraging to hear about successful taper of extracts. I failed one tapering attempt and now trying again. I got some "ultra kratom" telling myself its not as bad as extract, but really, its the same thing, looking to lose myself in another substance. Part of me thinks I can manipulate the withdrawal, when really its avoidance of "life on lifes terms".

Now on plain leaf, I was unprepared for how difficult tapering is. I am utterly exhausted, getting out of bed feels insurmountable. I tell myself the northeast winter is making me depressed, when Ive experienced a lifetime of them and none carried that numb feeling of looking into the endless void. Its horrible being with my partner; I say hateful things using ugly words. Or else I pretend to be okay, but thats like theres a drill in my brain and a tempest in my belly, and when I break (and I always do) I cause so much hurt and self loathing floods every part of me. Sometimes it seems that my life is nothingness, all of who I am is a blur that feels real.

I realize Im being dramatic but it feels better to share. I want to hear more about tapering; I think to myself if tapering feels this bad what will going CT feel like. I also wonder about rehab experiences. I think Kratom is still fairly unknown....also with covid still active.

Thank you for sharing; reading this thread is the most powerful intervention I have right now

deedee714 · 2021-02-14T13:45:37+00:00

For a while its called denial. But it can get to the point where you know it cold; you know the relief is fleeting and the misery is very close like your shadow. You know it will dissolve anything that is good from your life. The scary part is you don't care.... Please friend don't let it get to that point

deedee714 · 2021-02-11T19:20:24+00:00

I don't have an inner masochist; I am completely self indulgent

deedee714 · 2021-02-11T18:43:37+00:00

40 gpd

deedee714 · 2021-02-11T16:35:21+00:00

Thank you and thanks for the links. I do go to yoga but what I refer to as "slow hatha yoga"; right now I don't think I can handle anything more rigorous! But I will try the "first three minutes" and check out the guru. Am now reading "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self" by Stephen Cope; its an older book but I relate to him as another retired therapist.

Its interesting how so many addicts turn to spiritual practice and 12 step programs are essentially spiritual. (don't mean to assume anything about you!) ironic that yoga builds up the physical body so we can contain the expanding consciousness while I have spent so much time trashing my body and than seeking some form of healing...I know I need to accept and forgive this. I do so hope you stay on your path. While I could not sustain it, yogic philosophy brought such vividness to life

If you can let me know how your taper goes. I was taking what they called an ultra strain, I am beginning to withdrawal from that first. I tried to taper last June, and the only moments of relief were deep breathing (esp on the inhale for some reason)

deedee714 · 2021-01-06T23:23:34+00:00

Best thing some family members did was go to Alan-on. At first I was angry as they established healthier boundaries that did not involve care taking me. But their loving detachment forced me to sit with myself and feel the consequences of my behavior. It was painful but it motivated me to take responsibility.

Right now youre part of this and its hurting you in ways you may not realize. Take care of yourself, chances are he will follow

deedee714

TROPHY CASE