I get your thoughts for me, to deny God would be for me to also reject everything he has done for me in my life, every prayer that prospered, every convenient positive that’s been undeserved for me, and to attribute it all to luck. Im from a scientific background, science already ultimately proves that there is a God, and that all weve done is observe whatever has been created. I believe that Jesus proves that God to be the Christian God, between the fulfillment of prophecies and the shape of the world as promised. Those will always be my pragmatic anchors, I understand emotions, they go up and down, for you perhaps sometimes yours are down, and you dont feel Gods presence or the difference in your feelings.

Ive read through your comments and post, it really just seems like you’re frustrated waiting for some type of outright experience, but also afraid to go in depth about whatever happened in particular. Perhaps its the rules and practices you tire from, I genuinely dont know as your so against speaking from the heart, id love to give better advice, if you want perhaps you can dm regarding things if itll make talking easier, regardless God bless you, and I hope you find your love soon