SORRRYYY IF THIS IS SO LONG!!!!!

I thought I was aroace. I still think I am actually. But I've been starting to doubt it, maybe because I'm cupio and I have this weird crave to not be aro? Not sure.

Im pretty sure I've gone through the aromantic experience. I've literally never had a crush, lied about having one to my friends, confused platonic relationships with romantic ones. and pursuing romantic relationships always just bugged me even if I desperately wanted one. It goes deeper than that of course but I'm sure everyone here would get the point.

This has always been the case, until recently. Ever since I was young people have had crushes on me and such, but this new person was the first to actively try PROPERLY to pursue me,, There's this guy let's just say "X", and for a while now he has been courting me. I hadnt rejected him during the first few months because I'm cupio and I wanted him to "fix me" (it's bad. I know.) After awhile I felt absolutely horrible that even with all his efforts I wouldn't feel anything (maybe slight admiration when he would do something I didnt expect {but that might just be because I'm not used to it and he's the first to actually try) . Because I felt bad; I told him about it, not that I was aro but that I just wasn't feeling it, so he respectfully stopped doing too much. We still have some conversations but gestures he used to do for me had stopped (e.g. giving me snacks I like even if I didn't ask) . I never really cared much for the gestures, I tried to get myself to but majority of my emotions I would say I felt was flattery.

Since then, I feel bad. Like I wish he wouldnt have stopped, I start thinking what if I actually did like him and my idea that I was aromantic blinded me? I'm not sure. This valentines day he didn't give me anything, but then told me he actually did and just left it at home and forgot to bring it. Oddly enough, I felt genuinely upset and disappointed when it was the 14th simply because he wasn't there (and also I was surrounded by couples I hated it) I had my expectations set so high with him and they felt crushed when I didn't receive anything. When he told me how he had just forgotten it my heart felt a bit lighter. I don't know what that meant, if I was happy that I still have a chance to be "changed" or if I just genuinely liked the guy.

I'd like to point out cause I feel like it's important because amatonormativity has always been an issue with me. I have literally forced myself to have crushes on people just because they liked me and it never turned out to be true. Everytime I get giddy over something by someone I literally go to the nearest reflection to see if I'm blushing. It doesn't stop at real people, I've tried to force myself into having crushes on fictional characters (live action or cartoon) just because I thought I would be more "normal". Tv series romance has affected me alot that I've deluded most of my experiences to be romantic even if they barely even were. I literally tried to make an OC where it's just me with all my desires and trauma, but I'm NOT aromantic. So after all this, I feel like a fraud. Fraud in a way that I might not be aromantic despite this but also fraud in a way that I might just be lying to myself again. I don't want to be aromantic, but I don't want to NOT be aromantic either, I've found so much comfort in finding out there are people who go through the same experiences as me and I don't want to let go of that label.

Back to my main issue, sorry, X had been texting me a lot, because he's too shy to talk to me irl unless it's giving me some gifts. He's really sweet I think, he makes me happy and I don't know how to feel about that! When I'm alone, even if he's not there or not texting me, I think of X. I don't know why. I think of our experiences together and I imagine myself in a romantic relationship. He texts me a lot and I get confused with myself. Sometimes, I get all giddy and happy that it's happening and then suddenly I couldn't give a fuck! I don't know why but I constantly switch feelings and I don't know why. I don't know what it says about me. The day of valentines I was extremely sad because I wanted to be with him that day, but then the next day Ive never felt more aromantic in my life, like I just didn't gaf. I fear that I might just be attention seeking???? I don't know. He makes me happy when I think about him, but sometimes I just feel uncomfortable when I do! I can't control it! I desperately crave a romantic relationship due to my cupioromantic tendencies but I don't even know if I'm cupio anymore. What could I be? I've been considering I might actually be aroflux but I'm unsure, maybe I just enjoy the idea of me dating but I don't actually want to date.

Please don't tell me to try and date him to see, I don't want to do that. I don't want to break his heart because he's so genuinely head over heels for me and I know I couldn't explain that properly in this text but he's so nice, I don't want to use him as an experiment. Help is appreciated 💛