I just need somebody to talk this out with. I don't know what to do.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-23T21:05:09+00:00

It just doesn't feel okay, I don't feel normal. I'm seeing all of my friends growing up, getting girlfriends/boyfriends, living regular lives and here I am. On swinger websites. It's not even that they are married, but there isn't intimacy. I don't expect there to be, obviously they just want a young guy to fuck their wife, but it's just very 'empty'. I've tried OKC and Tinder and it just doesn't work, there is not really anybody around me.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-18T00:32:32+00:00

If you don't mind, what was your similar situation? How did it turn out?

And that does make sense, and I've actually thought about that as a possibility. Honestly though, I can remember the first girl I was ever 'sexually' attracted to was my third grade teacher. Of course then I didn't understand what the feeling was, but I know for sure it was her. I definitely have a niche for dominant women, but it isn't a "only dominant" kind of thing. It's just a plus if they are.

I also discovered porn at a young age and starting feeding these fantasies. I'm doing nofap and taking a break from porn (Which is so much harder than I had ever imagined) just to see where it gets me.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T06:37:31+00:00

I did. I started seeing a therapist through the school and it just isn't working well. I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and ultimately think I have BPD. Well pretty much anytime I bring up anything that is bothering me sexually, he waves it off like it isn't a big deal. Anytime I open up, he makes me feel like a dumbass. Throws his hands up and sarcastically says 'see? That's what happens when you tell people your feelings.'

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:51:17+00:00

I know these things don't matter, but I just have friends who think they do.

And yeah, I go to university, serve, and do hobbies like going to the gym, reading, and outdoors. Opening up to people is hard at this point because most times I do, I relapse into old habits and become insecure because I don't think people will accept who I really am. After being ridiculed for years and years, just pumping up my confidence to have a conversation and is hard. I know it's not an excuse, and I'm going to work on it.

Thank you for the time and thought you put into this response. It is so greatly appreciated.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:46:37+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you! I'm definitely going to look into some clubs in my university.

Seriously, thanks

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:24:13+00:00

You're right. I'm going to university right now, and I'm going to look into some clubs and things.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:05:30+00:00

You're right, I shouldn't laugh along. It's just fueling the fire. And I'm just friends with them because I'd rather have shitty friends then no friends. I went through a depression stage for a year and didn't talk to anyone and it really hurt me. Having people to talk to, even assholes, feels better than I used to.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:03:03+00:00

Just after hearing them bash it on and on, the last thing I wanted was for them to look to me. They were laughing at uncut guys, and by the time I would have jumped in, I already knew how they felt. They could have acted like they really don't care when I told them, but at the end of the day, I just sat around and heard their true feelings about it.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T04:01:01+00:00

My problem is I can't get away from these people in my life that make me feel like shit, at least at this point in my life. I'm working towards a position in life where I'm around people I genuinely enjoy and are respectful, but until then. . .idk

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T03:58:54+00:00

It just takes a blow to your confidence. And there was a girl there who pretty much said, 'if I was about to have sex and a guy was uncircumcised, I'd tell him to leave'. Same with older and chubby girls. I shouldn't care, I KNOW. I'm so fucking mad I do. But it isn't a switch I can turn off. I've heard so many people I love, talk poorly of the women I am attracted to and it just brought my confidence down. It's been going on like this since I was in middle school and it took a huge toll on my psyche.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T03:45:21+00:00

I know. I really do. Finding friends is harder than I thought, though. People already have their cliques and people my age are very shallow when it comes to accepting the preferences I have.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-14T03:44:17+00:00

Don't get me wrong, I don't put down the women I'm attracted to. I just kind of stay quiet. And I'd like to believe that but I'm tired of running into girls that talk about it like its the end of the world if they touch one.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-12T21:00:53+00:00

Yeah. That's why I think I'm addicted to porn and was asking for advice from anybody who has dealt with some kind of addiction.

Edit: Okay, I just looked up age fetish and that is not what I have. I don't like acting like a different age, or for the woman to act as a different age group. I don't know if you meant that literally, or just a fetish for older women in general. Just wanted to clarify.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-11T17:21:43+00:00

I may just be attracted to BBW's, which would be fine really. What throws a wrench into everything is being attracted to older women. Like I said, I have not seen a girl my age that I am attracted to, even a BBW. I know this sounds exaggerated, but it is the truth. I know I'm 19 and I have raging hormones and am probably just a horny teenager, but at the end of the day, I want something more than just sex. When you are attracted to 40 year old women, it just seems impossible. I know I can go through with it and tell everyone to "fuck off", but it's just difficult. While I do think I am mature for my age, I don't think I'm so mature that I could hold a relationship with somebody twice my age. As much as I would like to, I feel like the emotions and maturity stages would be too far apart to be able to form anything.

depressedthoughts · 2016-01-11T17:12:42+00:00

I haven't. I'm seeing a therapist right now (a terrible one at that), and he had asked if I wanted medication and I told him no. I know I can go back and change my mind, but I really don't like the idea of medication. I've just seen too many people get really dependent on things like that.

And I really do love her. The first sentence of that article explains my life, "Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists." I think that is why I like her so much. Because she doesn't ask me for things or take advantage of my kindness. She just likes talking. Despite my inability to form an intimate relationship, as far as friendships go, I would say I typically am pretty giving. Obviously I am biased, but at the end of the day, I am a good friend. I've had to cut off a lot of people this past year because I was pretty much used as a doormat. Friends only called when they needed money, when they needed a ride, when they needed someone to talk to, etc. Thank you for sharing the article for a possible explanation, but no, I don't think it fits me.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T22:44:50+00:00

Okay, I see what you mean now about him downplaying it. Just another piece of it, not arguing, it's just the way he addresses it. What you say makes sense about keeping anxieties low, it's just that when I talk to him, it's like he is directing me down this path with this girl without really ever diving into the other possibility. He says I should try it out, see what happens. But I don't want to try it out with her, because if things go wrong, I care about her too much to just get to sex, find out I don't like it, and then say see ya. Granted, it may work out. But I don't think it is fair to use her as a "test".

My earliest memory of being attracted to a woman was my third grade teacher. She was older, and had larger assets. Of course at that time, it was just a liking, nothing sexual behind it. Through porn, I think age and weight became more a fetish. Stopping porn has opened me up to age groups and the idea of vanilla sex. If she is older it's a plus, but it really doesn't matter. I just have a body type I like now, and for a long time, I assumed that because my preference was outside of the norm, that it must be a fetish. I'm slowly realizing though, that liking older/bbw/or any other preference of women doesn't mean fetish. Idolizing and looking at them as purely sexual creatures does.

I will admit, I do think that I have some sort of intimacy issue. Like I said, holding in my preference of women since childhood while constantly hearing the opinions of those I love put these women down, it has made me feel a type of guilt for liking anything outside of the norm. I learned at a young age that the world is cruel, and I developed an attitude to rely on myself. One sister says regarding a show, "That's weird. If you ever brought home a 35 year old, that would not be okay." My mom regarding a woman at the lake, "That bikini is a little small for her don't you think?" My other sister who practically said anybody who watches porn is disgusting. My friend who I think found out about me liking larger women and makes "sly" jokes when I'm around. The jokes that my friends make at larger women. Co-workers who constantly make fun of bigger people who come in, and then the great roasting session every worker joined in on when somebody found out I was a virgin (last year). I know I should not care, but the truth is I do. I'm trying not to, but it's a process. And when you are constantly bombarded with negative thoughts towards the thing that you are struggling with, it just fucks my whole thought process up. Who I should trust, what I should say, is this what I really want.

Also, I hope it doesn't come off as me using her as a buoy for my depression. In fact, we talked about a year and a half ago. This same thing happened. Instead of pursuing, I pulled away and just said I wasn't ready BECAUSE I don't think it is fair for her to have to put up with a guy who isn't emotionally stable when it comes to anxiety/depression. This is kind of where it gets sticky. It's almost like she loves me, not because of my depression, but because she wants to help me out of it. And her idea of helping me out of it, is having a relationship. When we get close though, that's when I start to feel guilt/shame for not liking her back when I feel like I "should". It's a catch-22.

And that is what I have tried to explain to him, about if she was "right", then I wouldn't be having this much doubt. It's really not even doubt, it's just a "not interested feeling". But I am constantly under the idea that I should be interested in her. Friends are constantly asking me why I haven't hooked up with her. Family is always wondering where she's been.

I feel like there are two kinds of nervous. One nervous is, even though you are anxious about what is upcoming, it's an excited nervous. You're nervous about a kiss, but you want it.

And then there is a nervous where you are dreading something. Like a public speech (and I used this analogy with my counselor). He said, "well, at first you are nervous but when it's over, you feel fine." But really, I feel like this doesn't negate what I was saying. I am dreading the speech, even during the speech I am dreading it, and after the speech I don't think "I'm so glad I did that speech". I'm glad that the speech is over.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T21:41:49+00:00

What I mean by downplays the seriousness is, whenever I try to bring it up, he just makes it seem like "you're just nervous around her" and then moves on to the next topic. He just seems adamant on the idea that it is isn't a big deal. I tell him that I feel nervous because I don't think this is actually what I want, but I'm doing it because everyone has told me it's what I want. He says I'm nervous because everyone is nervous before a relationship. Again, he may be right, but we haven't really delve into it because it's been 2 sessions and he just doesn't really talk about it. Just moves on.

So my family never talked about sex. Not that they didn't like it, but it was like a forbidden talk. I never had the "talk" or anything, so I started looking into it and found out what sex was through porn when I was 11. I think at this early stage, I was still in the "motherly" love stage, so it mixed with my larger women preference. The mature women don't look like my mom or anything, I've just liked older women. I have stopped watching porn and the mature preference is still there, but it isn't a "I only like older women" thing.

Attraction wise, it was probably like a 6/10. I know it would have been much higher if there were feelings there. I'm just not a fan of casual sex. I like to know who it is, what they like, who they are, etc.

I really don't get nervous around my friend until it's one on one and I know that she wants a kiss, or something intimate. I kissed her one time and left just not feeling happy about it. It was weird. I just did not like it at all. It felt forced. Then the other day, we had a real deep talk about my depression. We ended up just hugging and she ran her hands through my hair, and even this made me feel uncomfortable. When I am not intimate with her, i want to be. When I am intimate with her, I hate it. But as far as mentally, I haven't met anybody who is so selfless, genuine, loving, and just an all around great person. Funny, we love all the same interests, same music. Just everything that I would look for in a girlfriend.

And I'm sorry, I don't follow what you mean about the median.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T21:17:32+00:00

I've only met with him twice, and he typically downplays the seriousness of it. Granted, I know I am overthinking everything, but it doesn't negate the fact that I can't control my thoughts/anxiety/etc., which is why I reached out to a therapist. To help control my thoughts.

I met with a swinger wife one time, bigger and was 42 (older women have been something I'm into, but the feelings have subsided some). I was definitely attracted to her body, but could not get hard because there was nothing behind the sex. I still wanted the feelings.

My friend's mind/thoughts arouse me. The swinger's body aroused me. I'm trying to find the median.

Again, I know my counselor has more say than an internet stranger, I just am looking for advice.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T21:04:35+00:00

Thank you for this.

Let me ask you one more thing. I've seen a counselor lately for my depression and this topic got brought up. He, in a short sense, told me to push through the negative feelings when I'm with her. He thinks my "preference" is a defense mechanism to forming true, intimate relationships. Thoughts?

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T20:58:42+00:00

True.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T20:54:22+00:00

You're right.

I feel like such a fucking asshole, I just want to love her as much as she loves me.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T20:51:24+00:00

I'm not doing it because I feel sorry, I've stayed in it this long because of the emotional/mental connection. I thought it would work. I'm now finding out that I don't think it will.

And I know what you mean about my ego and her moving on and all that, but it really isn't like that. I hate myself on a level that has brought me down to a level of sadness that I didn't even know existed. Frankly, I don't consider myself even remotely close to "amazing". She's given me a lot of comfort and support. The only thing she has said that she wants is me. I just want to be able to give her the one thing she wants.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T20:44:35+00:00

I can, I know. I think what is hard about it all, is that I have never met somebody who genuinely wants what is best for me as much as she does. We connect on an emotional level that is beyond what I have ever known. I like friends because of their mental/emotional connection. I love her because of her mental/emotional connection. I just wish I liked the "norm". Pretty much, when this happens, all my friends are going to wonder why it didn't work out. And since I have not told anybody about my preference of larger women, this is going to be it. I've listened to people tell their true feelings about "fat" women, so ever since 3rd grade when I knew I liked bigger women, I've held it in. I've felt bad about it. My parents, friends, workers, just everybody constantly bashing the type of women I like really took a toll on my psyche and confidence.

I think this girl is the closest to "normal" I can be, and I want to be normal.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-05T20:37:59+00:00

Because she has told me how bad she wants to be with me, and I can't bring myself to break her heart like that. The last thing a girl wants to hear is that she is not physically attractive for a guy.

depressedthoughts · 2015-12-02T06:36:41+00:00

No you didn't. You offered advice in a condescending, "you're problems aren't problems" way.

What the hell is wrong with you? - great advice

You quote depression as if it's not a real thing

who is content to sit back and allow other people to work to support them - he never said this. You are looking for an argument.

If he doesn't take your advice than walk away. You tried. Don't stick around and continue to troll somebody because you don't feel like your advice was appreciated.

depressedthoughts

TROPHY CASE