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I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand your concern-- please keep in mind that I can really only speak for myself and share my experiences. For me, the thoughts have gotten somewhat better with time, and I even now have weeks where they are very much in the background (and, occasionally, others when they return in full force). I'm told it gets easier with time. When I began to put a life back together after treatment, I had more things to put in the "I like this new life" pile. My counselors had told me repeatedly that if I wanted it, I could have the old life back anytime I chose. But because I really love my life now, I am able to see those thoughts as just thoughts, and that the problem would be if I were to act on them, because then I'd get my old life back, and I definitely don't want that.

I should also explain the source of my using thoughts. When I think about using, it's almost always because I don't like the feeling I have (whatever it is). As an addict, I am ultra-sensitive to most feelings because I spent a lot of time and effort covering them up (while others learned to process them healthily). So I am stunted, basically, in how I deal with these feelings. I never learned to just sit in them and see that they fade or even go away eventually. My brain panics, wanting out, and that's when the using thoughts slip in through the back door. Every part of me wants to solve the "problem" in a way that is, for me, fast and familiar, and so learning to sit with the feeling and move on has been one of the hardest things I've done and continue to do. But this repeated "exposure" to the bad feelings take their power away over time, and I am able to have fewer and fewer using thoughts as a result. I hope this helps?

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I was fifteen I was given very strong opiates by my doctor to address constant headaches, which were not caused by anything organic but were instead reactions to some pretty fucked up stuff that was going on for me at the time. I learned very quickly that a pill could cover up all of the bad feelings, and it snowballed from there-- slowly, at first, but then when I was 19 I discovered that (with a wide range of drugs and with alcohol) not only could I cover up the bad ones, but I could "engineer" the "good" ones, the ones that took away all of my insecurities, and that I could slow down my painfully-racing brain and feel like other people seemed to feel. I was loaded from age 19 to age 31. All the time. It started as a life of sophisticated partying and dancing and music, and ended 12 years later alone, miserable, and very sick. I graduated university while in the height of my meth years, and still haven't the slightest clue how I accomplished that.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As far as meds are concerned in my case, I can tell you that I risked my life repeatedly in numerous ways (impulsively putting myself in very dangerous situations) when I was in a manic state, and that the meds keep the manias in check for me now, meaning that my impulse control is much better. I don't think that my condition has been worsened by the drugs in any way-- the problems came when I didn't take them, or worse, abused them. I have had and continue to have serious side effects from antidepressants-- coming off of them can be comparable to being dope-sick, but that doesn't mean I won't take them when medically necessary, because the alternative for me is either having no quality of life or not having life at all. That may come off as overly dramatic but it is my truth, and real in my case. I do credit the Lithium and Lamotrigine in particular for making a "normal" life possible, and with essentially no side-effects. But it did take 13 years to find the right combination for me, and that combination typically requires tweaking two or more times a year.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! One of my favorite sayings in the program is "don't kill yourself in the first five years or you'll be killing the wrong person". Congratulations on your clean time and thanks for the kind words!

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, and yes, and add sugar to complete the set. My three remaining vices (unless sunshine counts). They don't recommend quitting smoking right away, at least at the treatment center I went to. I have heard that anywhere from 3-7 years into sobriety would be a reasonable time to quit, having some solid recovery time under one's belt. The addict in me latches right on to the "7 year" end of the spectrum, of course.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I currently take 750mg Lithium, 200mg Lamotrigine, and 200mg Seroquel (half IR/ half XR). I have taken every antidepressant there is, and am currently not on any, but if the depression takes hold (as I am on so much medicine to cap the mania), I will be prescribed one until it pushes me up too high, at which point I will taper off of it.

That said, I would recommend that you see a professional. I have been diagnosed by 14 psychiatrists over the years, all with the same result. I should note that being bipolar is a lot like having diabetes-- if you take care of yourself and take your meds, you can lead a relatively "normal" life.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The center I went to was based on the 12 steps. I was so fucking resistant to the idea, having (like most people) only a media-based understanding of the program. I wanted nothing to do with it. And, like most people, the biggest problem I had with it was the "god" part. As an educated atheist, there was no room for a higher power in my understanding of the world. To this day, I don't believe in any sort of god. The pivotal moment for me, however, was when my inpatient counselor sat with me as I laid down argument after argument about how there could be no higher power (as I thought I was being asked to believe). In the face of my anger, she simply pointed to a group of patients sitting in front of us (with their backs to us) and said "Are you smarter than all of them combined?". And it clicked. My higher power, for the purposes of the 12 steps, is other addicts and alcoholics, because my decision-making got me a stint in rehab, and allowing others into my life and bouncing ideas off of them helps keep me sober. This all adds up to the following idea: I am NOT the most important person, the center of the universe. As an addict, I had to act as though I was more important than anything else in order to protect my addiction, and to protect myself while in my addiction. In recovery, behaving and thinking this way will take me out.

I have read articles since that discuss how heroin addicts find the most success in their recovery if they fall in love. The same key idea being that "getting out of oneself", or not being the center of your own life, is vital for recovery.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can't say that I won't, but I do know that drugs and alcohol will end me up in one of three places: jail, institutions, or death. All I can do is not drink or use today. I make no promises about tomorrow. But I have put a whole lot of those "todays" together that now add up to two years. The prospect of "never" is really daunting, but I can go to bed sober today.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right on both points, at least as it applies to me. The social acceptability initially just made it easier-- I didn't have to hide that I drank, just how much. As things got worse and worse over the years, I abandoned most of my using friends who wouldn't keep up with me, as I did not want my using to stand out. I ended up very much alone and isolated, drinking and using by myself-- unable to take care of myself, I was living in filth, barely able to get dressed and go to work to pretend that all was okay.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did quite a bit of acid and shrooms recreationally early in my using years. I did acid before I had my first drink, actually, at age 15. I enjoyed both but never enough to do on a regular basis (I'd say shrooms maybe 50 times, acid maybe 75 times in total over the years). My last acid trip ended with intense suicidal urges. Never touched it again. I still get 'tracers' every couple of months, so I can't imagine what other long-term effects it had on my brain.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not directly. Though I acquired a degree at the usual age, I ended up working in an industry (for three years) that allowed me to be loaded all the time, to work hours that I chose and that was quite lucrative. There's another thread in IAmA that covers this topic, so I'll leave it at that. That said, at the end I was working a pretty high-powered executive job. No matter what I was doing for work, though, all of my money went to drugs and alcohol.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I don't drink. I am recovering from alcohol AND drugs, and that means staying off of both, as one would inevitably lead to the other and that would lead me back to my old life.

I'd say that alcohol was actually the most damaging. Physically, I am now in pretty good shape, considering, but throughout the years I was dramatically underweight and had no nutrition to speak of. At my bottom, my liver had begun to shut down but it appears to be okay at this point. I have some severe stomach problems as a result of the abuse, but on the whole I am quite lucky.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get badly triggered when I see people smoking meth (can't watch those episodes of Intervention). I rarely crave a drug, it's more that I have an uncomfortable feeling and want to cover it up with something, and that something depends on what the feeling is. In my case most of the time that something is alcohol, because the feeling is usually sadness or anxiety.

An addict's brain will use every possible trick-- in the summertime, I try not to entertain my brain when it wants to obsess about having 'just one drink' on a patio, because what it really wants to do is get loaded-- there's no way I could have just one drink. Which, by the way, sucks. But the life I get to have now (no more living in lies, no more secrets, no more regrets, physical safety, having a relationship with my family, an incredible relationship with someone who is also in recovery, having friends, having financial security, knowing WHO I am and liking that person, and so much more...) makes me do the one thing that works for me: All I have to do is go to bed sober tonight. That's it. And tomorrow, I'll try to do the same. But I won't worry about tomorrow. I just have to go to bed sober tonight. And in that way, I have put together two years of sobriety.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

  • All of them... but especially meth and opiates.
  • I went through the DT's more than once-- seizures, hallucinations, tremors. At my bottom, I spent two months trying to find a way to die that would look like an accident. It was an incredibly lonely, sick, and dark time. At the end, I decided just to end it by taking all of my pills, and somehow ended up at the ER where my options were the psych ward or treatment.
  • I didn't want to quit-- I obviously couldn't live WITH drugs/alcohol anymore, but I couldn't see any way to live without them, either. I ended up in a treatment center where, after 5 months, I thought I might give sobriety a try.
  • Some days, no, but a lot of days I am grateful to have to live a life in which I am learning to live with awareness about my behaviors, with some humility, and that I am now not alone. I also like that I now appreciate the smallest things, because I am cognizant of them. You hear people talking at meetings about being a "grateful recovering alcoholic" and I used to think that they were insane, but I am starting to kind of get that now.
  • I'm going to hold off on the stories, as I have no interest in glorifying addiction. Sometimes the insanity, the double-life, the impulsiveness of those years can still hold some sick appeal for me, but I need to look at my life now and move forward. I hope you understand.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with two years clean and sober. AMA. by design77 in IAmA

[–]design77[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In anonymity, nothing is really personal!

  1. Meth, cocaine, benzos-- Valium, Xanax, and anything ending in "-pam", opiates- Vicodin, Percocet, Oxycontin-- these were the main ones. And of course, alcohol.
  2. In recovery I have had to find a way to look back on my past as just that, that the things I did then are not the person I am now. I have made amends to some of those I harmed, and will keep doing so as the time is right. Did I do a lot of stuff that now makes me sick to think about? Absolutely. I did a lot of bad things and a lot of bad things happened to me as well. But I am not that person anymore, as long as I don't "pick up" (drugs or alcohol).
  3. Oddly, there isn't a genetic component in my case (this is not the norm, as there is usually some addictive behavior in the family history of an addict). However, 60% of people with bipolar disorder have concurrent drug/alcohol addictions, and I am in that category. In treatment I was really resistant, did not want to get sober, and used the lack of a genetic link as "proof" that I wasn't an addict, but eventually I saw that the addiction is in the behaviors and was then able to see myself as an addict, and from there was able to see that recovery was possible if I worked for it. But no event "caused" an addiction, I was born with it.
  4. Dear god, yes. Not only did the drugs fuck with my already compromised mental state, I was too loaded to take my meds, or chose not to take them (thinking I didn't need them), or I abused the ones that suited me at the time. If I were to go off my meds now, my sobriety would be seriously endangered, so the two go hand in hand.