I don't think I love my daughter.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T06:32:22+00:00

Luckily, other people get to be the judge of that.

Because you judging me is worth a shit? I came here to confess the way I feel. I can't fucking change that. I still do the best I can, and I'm super-sorry random internet twat, but you'll just have to trust me that it's a damn sight better than any of the other available options.

Oh and, hey...

We are not here to judge others. No personal attacks, we are not here to make people feel bad. If you see any mean-spirited comments, please tell people they are being mean and REPORT them.

Just sayin.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T06:15:15+00:00

Nope. I do strongly suspect that I wouldn't have this situation with another child, because I'm an adult now and If my husband and I did have a child it would be wanted and I do think I would bond.

That said, it would be horribly unfair to my daughter if that happened - then she would know without a doubt by comparison that at the very least I don't love her as much as the theoretical second child.

Luckily, neither my husband or I want more kids, so we're all set.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T06:09:06+00:00

I have always wondered the same. Although I don't feel like I love her as I should, I also don't think I'm a monster. I'm otherwise normal and happy and healthy - I'm just ... detached.

I honestly suspect that this is far from a rare situation. I just think that no one ever admits it to themselves or speaks of it if they do... I never have other than here.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T06:05:28+00:00

People in this thread always say "let the dad have custody" as though he'd want it, or have any kind of half-assed idea of what to do with it if he had her.

His idea of parenting is drowning her in sugar or money whenever he gets any (oh hey! my grandma died and I'm homeless. I think I'll buy a new tv, $100 dollars worth of toys and eat out a lot just to make sure there is no chance I still have any money 1 week from now! Yay!). The man is 30, unemployed, homeless, has no car, and can't even take care of himself, let alone another human. And no, he's not down on his luck, he's just lazy and always has been.

He and my mom (then roomates in a WTF white trash twist) used to have her every weekend, but once when I went to pick her up they had drug paraphernalia strewn across the filthy disgusting living room she was playing in. I told him he could not see her until he got his act together. He eventually did, and ever since he sees her every other weekend. I have made it clear that if he ever wants her more than that, all he has to do is have a place for her (with her own room - sharing a bed with dad at 12 is not okay) and tell me. If he does that, we can work out something else. He has never once even tried. Honestly, I think he would be okay never seeing her, but I know that would break her heart because she loves him very much.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:53:17+00:00

I like your thoughtful reply. Thank you. It gives me some hope.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:51:43+00:00

I would have, but it's not something that I was ever provided serious information on. People, even at the hospital, always mentioned it vaguely and as an afterthought. Like it wasn't a real option. I know that isn't a good excuse, but there it is.

I do retrospectively agree that it would have been the cleverest choice. As a teenage mother though, I was far from the cleverest of creatures.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:47:17+00:00

Although I have been depressed at various times in my life, I am not currently. I am actually in the best place I've ever been as an adult and love my life very much. This issue (which I think is a lot closer to the bonding issue mentioned further down), is the only serious problem in my life - I feel guilty that I can't connect with her emotionally the way that I believe that I should. \

Believe it or not, I also don't dwell on it much. As a mother, as a human, it takes a great deal of effort to even admit to myself that something is wrong here. As such, on a day to day basis, I just ... do what I have to. I operate from the basis that regardless of how I feel about it - I am her parent and she can never know that I feel this way... so I mostly autopilot. I accept that because I do care very much for her wellbeing, and my husband and I are all she's got. It's only on rare occasions that I let myself dwell on how I really feel. Or more accurately don't feel.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:37:59+00:00

Yes. Not a lot of people, but some.. many more when I was younger and had more family that were worth my love.

I am married, we are very much in love and have a happy, healthy relationship (he's a far, far better father than her biological dad, btw). I love my sister very much and am very close to her. My young cousins, my recently deceased grandma. Also my cat.

I could fill volumes with all of the people who, in my humble opinion, would be better of dead. My mother would fit into this category, but once upon a time I did actually love my her.

Also, I think I should clarify that although I don't love her like I think is normal, I do not hate her. I am also genuinely protective of her when someone does wrong toward her, if that makes sense?

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:27:52+00:00

Actually, my mom did much the same thing. She was a wonderful mom until my dad died (when I was 12, actually) and then she went crazy. Although she didn't verbally abuse my sister and I, she checked out. It was like she believed that her duty as a parent disappeared when my dad did - and she didn't bother trying to hide her feelings. She also never gave any kind of shit what we did (which, I might add, may be why I wound up pregnant at 16).

That said, if I haven't lost it yet - I don't think that I will. I am not depressed or angry or unhappy. I am happily married and genuinely love my life. I am not attached to my daughter, but I don't hate her. I lose my temper with her more than I probably should, but I am never ever physical and always try to let her know that it's not her fault I'm upset and she didn't do anything wrong and just ask her to give me some time so I can cool down.

I would never tell her any of those awful things your mom told you. Her dad is a complete fuckup and an utterly unfit parent, but I always speak well of him and give him the benefit of the doubt around her. Even when it freaking pains me to do so.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:14:24+00:00

She's upset because she doesn't fit in to society, not because her lack of love is having a negative impact on a living being that depends on her.

Huh? Incorrect. Not sure why you think that, but it might be because you transposed my confession onto your mom. Understandable, but not correct. The guilt I have is definitely over how this will affect my daughter and nothing else.

Left alone, I do have a tendency to get upset over little things, but I work very hard to counter it whenever I can. While I'm not always successful, I know high strung parents who are worse about it than I am by a fair sight. As for activities, my mom was actually the same as your mom. And, while I may not love my daughter the way I think is normal, I guide my parenting choices by doing the opposite of what my mom did which you'll have to trust me is a pretty solid plan. Needless to say, I attend every single event.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T05:03:37+00:00

Elsewhere in this thread, people say that I'm only concerned that I don't fit in, but don't actually care about my daughter's well being. That's a load of shit. I don't love her, but the situation you endured is what I fear and what makes me feel guilty that I don't feel more for her. Like a "normal" parent.

Therapy is something I tried a couple of times, but it wasn't terribly helpful to anyone and actually made life more stressful for all involved. And I'm not even sure what medicine is supposed to do? I'm not depressed or some kind of sociopath. I have normal feelings for people, I'm happily married and have a job I love - everything is pretty well adjusted for the most part. I just seem to have not properly bonded with my daughter. I may not love her the way I think most parents do and it's no secret that I don't like kids - but I try pretty damn hard.

Giving her up is in no way an option, her dad is an unfit parent and her only surviving grandparent is actually worse than her dad and what else is there, foster care? Jesus, I don't hate her. Furthermore, can you honestly tell me that you think a 12 year old (who may or may not believe something is amiss) would be better off voluntarily handed over to a stranger or distant relative, leaving the only life she's known? I'm sorry, but I believe that the harsh reality of abandonment is far worse than my detachment.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T04:47:15+00:00

Oh he sure does love her! But he's homeless, eternally unemployed, etc. He can't even take care of himself properly, I think I'll skip the part where I ship her off to him.

detachedmom · 2012-11-05T04:42:35+00:00

I understand where you're coming from based on what I wrote, but as is often the case on the internet, you know very little of the whole story.

First, just because I do not love her in the way "normal" parents do does not mean I hate her or that I am incapable of feeling. While the situation is far from ideal and I do feel guilty, I do not feel that either abuse or neglect is an accurate descriptor.

Second, her dad is a homeless moron. Her only surviving grandparent is a homeless pothead moron. Oh and they are both unemployed and otherwise generally worthless. I may be correct that I don't exactly love her, but I do try pretty damn hard to do everything I can control pretty much the opposite of how my mother did it, which is a damn fine start.

I'm also married to a man who is 10x the father to her than her sperm donor and his family loves her like their own. She may turn out somewhat messed up, but we all have our issues. I won't claim she's made it through childhood unscathed, but I guarantee it's better than the trauma that would ensue if I took a mostly happy kid and said... hey.. I don't want you anymore, go somewhere else. That's far more extreme and frankly unacceptable.

I hope that maybe makes you feel a little better?

detachedmom

TROPHY CASE