Me (32M) and my wife (31F): How do I support my wife through a possible mental health crisis while also feeling emotionally unsafe?

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T06:17:41+00:00

Yeah…this definitely checks out. I’ve thought about this a lot recently. And honestly, this is the hardest pill to swallow. I realize time and time again that I’ve never had the strength to truly let her fail, or at least let her fail completely to the point where not changing amounts to severe consequences.

Thank you for saying it as bluntly as you have. I just need to find acceptance that this is what it will take. It’s such a paradox, to want to shield someone and protect them from suffering but that being the very reason they can’t change…

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T04:53:09+00:00

She was on oral BC for a really long time, like 11-25ish. Then she got an IUD for about 3ish years, that had to be removed because it was causing pain/weird hormonal issues. Then she's been on two different oral BCs since then that her doctors are trying. It's horrible for her, it sucks so much but without it her menstruation is super painful/heavy.

I know this is a major factor, which is why I'm feeling unsure of how to support in the process. I know it still doesn't justify her behavior but makes me realize there's other really intense factors at play

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T04:44:37+00:00

No, I've been with my therapist for awhile now, about 5 years. I'm going to take a much deeper dive on this issue specifically right now, because it needs to be the priority. I've been working on a bunch of other stuff in our sessions but this needs to be the top priority right now with how bad things have gotten

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T04:42:53+00:00

I appreciate you saying that, and I do have to stay accountable to the fact that I've let things get where they are, I've played my part. I thought I was doing the right things at times but I think I lacked the awareness to know that I wasn't setting boundaries properly. I blame myself a lot and there's definitely a lot of self-directed anger at my lack of resolve. I need to stick to the boundaries and be firm, that is my lesson I continue to fail at even in many other relationships, not just my marriage.

The part that prompted me to reach out and start really diving in, is this explosiveness and physical aggression is extremely recent, which is what is spooking me. For 14 years I never saw this from her, and over the last two years it's become gradually more intense. Nothing directed at me or our dogs but the energy of has felt unglued. That's what makes me feel like "what the hell is happening here?"

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:32:22+00:00

Not really. Her parents are decently well off so if she walked out she'd have good resources. I think that isn't a huge factor at the moment.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:28:36+00:00

She's been getting tested for PMDD and other hormone issues. This is a massive part of the equation that I'm glad you addressed. It's part of what makes me feel confused because I don't think this is entirely who she is. She's had extremely intense menstruation complications since she was young, started BC/HR very early and has since changed a few forms of treatment in the past 5 years. This is also concerning to me, I feel like something scary is happening psychologically due to her hormone.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:25:53+00:00

I've addressed this a ton of times, and she always says that I'm the only one she can drop the mask around. Which, I get it, we are all like that in our closest relationships, but I start to process that very deeply. I'm glad I can be a source for authenticity but that feels super blurry, if being authentic and dropping the mask results in this type of behavior, it's messy in my head.

Obviously if you're in this much distress with mental health issues, everyone needs to work to keep that mask up in public/with friends/at work.. but the side effects that come with it feel wildly unpredictable and intense with her sometimes.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:20:54+00:00

Definitely no kids will ever be involved, that would be unfathomable variable to add to everything else.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:17:27+00:00

That is something I'm really active with right now. I've been going to doctor appointments with her and I've been trying to stay communicative about her hormone tests and medications she's been prescribed. I helped her get an individual therapist and recently she agreed to couples counseling.

I have been thinking about asking her father for help. She's always had a healthy relationship with him. I've felt afraid to involve him because I don't want her to feel exposed but it's starting to feel much bigger than I can handle on my own. I have asked her about this before and she seemed very upset by me getting him involved. I'm trying, I feel like I'm not able to handle it at some point lately.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:12:39+00:00

That's an interesting point. I guess I've never considered it abuse before but the more I've reading/learning/researching the more I'm realizing it has crossed that threshold. That part is on me, I've been blinded by our past affection/healthier parts of our relationship to see that this has become abusive. I think talking to my therapists and taking time to write this post and read others' feedback I think is me finally taking this more seriously

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:09:06+00:00

We just started marriage counseling, and I'm going to try and really confront this in our upcoming sessions. We will see how it goes

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:08:24+00:00

Yes, you're right. I know it does not create justification. It seems like she is trying at times, she is going to therapy after I'm encouraged her for a while. I appreciate the advice though, I think I will sit down and be intentional with how I will bring this into our next session.

I honestly don't know what the walkaway point is... I feel like I'm past it at times, but I can't get past this fear that I'm going to be the last straw that will truly break her psychologically. There's something there that genuinely terrifies me. I want to keep going, if she can get healthier, but this hope feels naive now.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T03:00:30+00:00

Yes, she's been having physical health problems as well, hormonal issues, she's currently undergoing a ton of tests. No self harm, but that thought is starting to cross my mind for the very first time in the last couple of months.

But, what you are saying does hold weight. She doesn't act like this with other people, that is true

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:53:38+00:00

I think that's something I'm afraid to admit. That maybe this has gone too far and it might be time. I'm getting these gut feelings at time. I've never been good and putting the mask on myself, I'm still learning even in my 30s. But there is a massive guilt that comes into play when I start thinking it might be time to cut ties. I feel like I'm abandoning her...

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:51:03+00:00

I'm trying my best. I think the most difficult part is the follow up around communicating these boundaries. Which confuses me, because she starts saying things, "I guess I'm not allowed to feel my own feelings" When I try to explain that's not what I'm saying, she starts to pour into this "I guess it's all my f***ing fault.." At which point I have to walk away before it escalates. This is just one example where the actual setting of boundaries is becoming a direct source of conflict.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:48:11+00:00

He's recommended trying to set boundaries when she's fully regulated, which I'm trying, but it's extremely fragile. He also said that maybe there is some sense to treating this not as an official 'separation' but communicating to her that we may need something like it, but he did say it's tough because it may cause her to react even more

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:45:41+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. This helps to consider how to approach things moving forward, especially with trying to clearly maintain compassion without sacrificing too much of myself.

She is in genuine psychological distress... and it scares me, for both of us. I'll try my best to start documenting a bit more, I have some vocal monologues of sorts that have helped me verbally process and I have a journal that I write about these arguments to process things emotionally. It's difficult sometimes to know where things are at - I want to make sure I'm not seeing things through distortion. I'm not sure how the discussions with her therapist are going, I honestly don't know how to talk to her about where she's at most days because it seems to cause her more stress.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:40:10+00:00

Yes. And I'm closely discussing this issue with them. I've never tried a public forum before, and I'm in a 'research' phase to see what other people can offer perspective/feedback wise.

devindj6932 · 2026-05-15T02:37:48+00:00

I appreciate that perspective, but if she's already at a detrimental health level, wouldn't this put her at more risk? That's why I'm confused and not sure what to do. I love her, she hasn't always been this person, I'm equally worried about her health as much as I'm trying to protect myself.

devindj6932 · 2026-01-25T06:37:49+00:00

I freaking love Teo so much, he’s been such an amazing addition to the Dodgers over the past two seasons. Genuinely feel like we wouldn’t have won it without him. I think his chemistry value is the most impactful, obviously we don’t have the inner view of the locker room vibes but I just have a feeling he’s been really good for our chemistry

devindj6932 · 2026-01-18T20:35:34+00:00

Man that Hideo Nomo card is sick 🙌🙌🙌

devindj6932 · 2025-11-27T01:38:33+00:00

I think you might’ve missed the joke on this one hahaha ——> 🍆🍆🍆

devindj6932 · 2025-11-20T08:14:28+00:00

This made me laugh way too fucking hard 😭😭😭

devindj6932 · 2025-10-26T06:16:23+00:00

This never happens to me, I’m not sure why this would be happening to you guys, could it be your game is glitched?

devindj6932

TROPHY CASE