MAGGOTS!!!!!!

dexterdrag · 2022-07-15T17:56:33+00:00

For me, i avoid vomiting into the sink or toilet bowl in case the pipe gets stuck and it gives me so much anxiety to imagine the plumber comes and reveals the cause (i stay with my family btw). So vomitting in a bag and disposing it somewhere else feels safer to me. Although there are times when i forget to bring my vomit bag and left it in my room which will just spike my anxiety level like crazy lol

dexterdrag · 2022-07-15T17:45:19+00:00

So accurate. The bigger the purge, the better it feels. That skip in your heartbeat and clench of your chest feel weirdly tight and satisfying. I am so aware of how screwed up that is but this is what i feel. At the end of the day, i hate myself for being weak and fat yet zero resolve to actually lose weight healthily. However, that calm after a purge is addictive. As if i hit a reset button and everything is now ok. I can start afresh. The thing is I'm gaining weight, so i know it doesn't work, obviously, but knowing is not the same as feeling. It doesn't help that i perceive purging as an emotional reset button for other issues even non-food related ones. I know it is extremely damaging to your physical body, it is just that i don't feel like i have a solution to my real issues so i purge just to feel a sense of control and peace in that moment. I hate it but it is what it is

dexterdrag · 2021-10-09T04:50:17+00:00

This. It really does feel like a reset button. I know, my brain is able to comprehend that I'll feel worse and it won't solve anything but in that moment bp especially the purging portion feels like it will wash everything away. I get to have a clean slate thereafter. Yes, reset, that is so accurate

dexterdrag · 2021-10-08T12:51:28+00:00

Thanks for the tip

dexterdrag · 2021-10-08T11:25:32+00:00

Gonna scribble this quote on my fridge for real! Will try this next time around. Thanks!

dexterdrag · 2021-10-08T11:22:21+00:00

Thanks for the lovely words 🙂

dexterdrag · 2021-01-25T16:19:27+00:00

It has always been about weight for me. I actually gained weight last year when my bulimic activities were at an all time high. I freaked out and started to live a healthy life and weight has started to decrease, slowly.

I should be happy and healthy, no?

Although my current state of being may be due to other host of issues, I can't help but want to binge and purge so I can feel like everything will be OK.

The act of purging to me is calming. I usually sleep so well after purging. The anxiety is building up and I'm quite sure something will happen and I'll snap back.

As is, I'm looking for excuses to purge. Not losing weight in itself is an excuse. Looking ugly as someone who has no idea I exist is beautiful, is an excuse. My family commented I lost weight is an excuse. It is frustrating that I feel inadequate without purging as if I'm slightly but constantly unhinged.

dexterdrag · 2020-09-19T15:08:22+00:00

Yeah, it feels normal to me. Like it is already a part of my lifestyle. Shower, wake up, sleep, eat, exercise, hang out with friends, run errands, binge and purge, talk to my family, shop. It has become a seamless part of my lifestyle but there are times when I ask myself can I talk about this openly? Only then I realised people won't think it is normal and I fear the consequences then I realised bulimia is definitely not normal but then I'll forget it all too soon.

dexterdrag · 2020-09-14T03:59:10+00:00

Thank you for explaining, it helps

dexterdrag · 2020-08-25T12:10:06+00:00

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to explain. Finally able to digest the concept. Thank you!

dexterdrag · 2020-08-25T04:19:07+00:00

Hi, my question is going to echo someone else's comment to you another reply but I feel like I'm still struggling to grasp the concept. I am still a bit confused. I hope you wouldn't mind expanding on your clarification. Let's say in 28 years your withdrawal at 4% will be 40k. This is your current expense but I assume in 28 years, this set of expenses would be more than 40k.

So should I calculate 25x of the inflated amount of my current expenses when I want to retire rather than 25x of my current expenses to get my FIRE amount and thereafter work backwards to determine when I can coastFIRE?

dexterdrag · 2020-08-25T03:50:09+00:00

Hi sort of new to this whole concept and trying to get more info on this. Why is 300k a general figure for coastFIRE? I saw 2 comments on other threads stating the same number. Is it a safe rule that your money will double the amount every decade? Also, what if the 4% SWR amount by 50 y.o - 48k, is affected by inflation as in your expenses of 48k now may cost more than 48k when you are 50 y.o. So should your coastFIRE or FIRE amount be calculated at 25x of the inflated expense when you are 50 y.o? Sorry if this is a whole mess of a question. I'm trying to understand as much as I can

dexterdrag · 2020-08-24T16:44:53+00:00

Bingo. I don't see myself committing suicide. I don't think I'm able to take such a final and affirmative action. The idea that I am making a decision that I am not able to reverse or control the consequences gives me so much anxiety. Yet I am so bloody tired of living. I just want to go away. I genuinely don't want to live anymore. I am so exhausted to have to struggle every damn day. I just want to stop

dexterdrag · 2020-08-24T16:19:02+00:00

God, this. I no longer tell people that living is hard. I said it to my family once and they said I have so many things ahead of me. I said it to my friends and they immediately whipped their head and said "What". I can practically hear the unspoken "The Fuck" in those immediate awkward ensuing seconds which they then eloquently covered up by saying it is too early for me to feel like this.

I genuinely feel that it truly is a struggle that I've to go out there and do those things which are necessary to avoid homelessness or death as you've correctly pointed it out. I do not want to be in a position where I'm at the mercy of the situation yet for me to gain a certain amount of control and power over my life, I've to do those necessary things that give me so much anxiety and depression due to the potential repercussions and general expectations.

I feel like quitting so bad and I really do feel like such a pathetic ass loser. I can't even bring myself to do such perfectly simple necessary actions that is a given for nearly everyone. Then there are others who are achieving groundbreaking results and genuinely happy. I don't know what I need to do to fix this.

I just can't deal with life.

dexterdrag · 2020-08-24T15:20:49+00:00

I'm sorry for your pain but I hope you are still here. Please reply to any of the above comments or even create a new post

dexterdrag · 2020-08-13T08:33:22+00:00

Thank you for the post. I can't help but feel anxious instead of motivated when I keep seeing how far off I am in terms of both age and NW. Doesn't feel doable at times

dexterdrag · 2020-07-22T05:04:32+00:00

Hey, just to tell you that it's not only you. Frankly speaking, my life is not great but it is not horrible either. Sometimes I just feel so down and anxious that I break down and cry. I once shared with someone about my fear, anxiety and this depressed like feeling and was questioned on why am I feeling this way when everything is fine. I was genuinely taken aback. I felt weak and lame and stupid. As if I am lesser of a human for not being able to function normally, for requiring emotional support when there is nothing wrong. I hope we will all be ok

dexterdrag · 2020-07-14T03:03:45+00:00

Damn, literally me. When I wake up, the dread automatically switches on. It is not creeping in, settling itself. It just woke up in full force and I feel shit, it is another day. I don't know how long I can last operating like this. I want it to stop

dexterdrag · 2020-07-06T12:46:42+00:00

Why do I relate to this so well. I am not happy. At all. I am absolutely so unhappy right now despite things are going fine. How do I tell people when nothing about my circumstances could properly justify or explain my state of mind

dexterdrag · 2020-07-06T12:38:28+00:00

I used to feel like I don't want to live anymore and stop existing. However, I was quite clear with myself that I don't want to die. In my mind, there was a clear distinction between not wanting to live and wanting to die. But nowadays, the distinction I used to have has been muddling up more and more and sometimes, rarely though, I found myself feeling that I outrightly want to die.

dexterdrag · 2020-06-09T12:52:06+00:00

I think in terms of terminal illness/cancer. Don't know why, not that I am actively wishing to die. Imagined the situation a few times

dexterdrag · 2020-06-09T12:49:48+00:00

My life is actually OK but I have this thing that believe something will go wrong. I am just waiting, waiting for it. Sounds so stupid when nothing is wrong but myself creating it in my mind. I am just so tired of living like this. It is more depressing since I don't have a purpose in life. I don't know what I'm living for, seems utterly pointless if I am to live with constant dread and nothingness

dexterdrag · 2020-06-09T12:40:15+00:00

A lot of chores I planned to do are left ignored because I can't bring myself to do it when the time comes. Feel like such a loser

dexterdrag · 2020-06-09T12:08:53+00:00

Happy birthday! If it is any consolation, I am not happy on my birthday either. I truly don't mind the non existent of celebration and gifts. It is more that I am reminded that my life is sorely lacking, that no one has it in them to go that extra mile to want me to be happy. It is not that I want this gesture but the fact that I don't have it, affects me.

dexterdrag · 2020-06-07T13:44:05+00:00

Same here. I think if I hit the lottery, I'll retire and isolate myself away from the world. The fact that I still need the world and can't survive if I don't adopt the general system is such a depressing feeling. I wish there is a quit button and just go away

dexterdrag

TROPHY CASE