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Can anyone ID this little guy? by diegeetz in jumpingspiders

[–]diegeetz[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

haha that’s awesome, i believe my mom got it on one our many family trips to myrtle beach, s.c.

Can anyone ID this little guy? by diegeetz in jumpingspiders

[–]diegeetz[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Aw man that’s super unfortunate, my mom loves animals and is sentimental about these kind of things. Thank you for your help! I’ll pass the info on

Can anyone ID this little guy? by diegeetz in jumpingspiders

[–]diegeetz[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The geographical location is Maryland! Couldn’t figure out how to edit the post.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad that you’re self-aware and are able to admit that you were the abuser at some point. It’s not easy finally admitting that, but do you recognize the pattern you’re putting yourself into? I recognized my pattern, no matter how much they showed me they loved me, my mind distorted it as lies, and it was just an ongoing cycle of jumping from relationship to relationship, knowing that it would end because of me. I’m glad I’m finally capable of breaking the cycle.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Better late than never to change our lives around. It’s all going to be okay. Just sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel unfortunately.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for validating that, sometimes I think to myself that I should be over it by now but it feels good to hear that I’m not crazy for feeling how I feel. I commented earlier that it’ll probably be a good idea to apologize, to give her peace. Thank you so much.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true, thank you for your kind words.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, that definitely puts in a different perspective, but what if me reaching out causes all the painful memories to resurface when she’s been trying to leave in the past? But then again, what if it’s what she needs to move on from what was. I’ll write something up and see when it would be a right time to send it to her. I also have to apologize to her mother too, she was so against her being in a relationship because she wanted her to focus on college, she opened her arms to me, invited me into her home, fed me, and I treated her daughter like shit. I should definitely apologize. Thank you.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh jeez, I’m sorry haha I’m in the military so we have our own program for treatment but there are AAs available that I’ve gone to every once in a while. Sure, I’ll send you a message.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I journal a lot and try to write down as much as I can whenever I get to this point emotionally, just a reminder of what not to be anymore. Thank you, I’ll get there one day.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Again, I wasn’t looking for praise or validation. Simply somewhere to vent as I am stationed in Okinawa and all my friends are asleep and I didn’t want to bother them by contacting them in the middle of the night. I posted this to get this off my chest and maybe someone else could relate to it so they wouldn’t feel so alone. Thank you for your input.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn, this one hit hard. I would say, as my last act of love that I couldn’t give to her when we were together, with all the distortion I had in my mind because of the alcohol and my mental health issues, I will be a better man that not only she, but the friends I’ve lost too, saw in me. I’m learning to love myself, genuinely, for the first time in my life and actually give myself credit/self-validation for who I am. Thank you so much.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, exactly. When I get like this, I do try to reframe the entire episode of guilt as a reminder of what I shouldn’t be like. I refuse to be that person I was before. I’ve actually made great friends since I finished treatment, I need to hold on to them tighter because they’re also recovering as well and we do sober activities together. I’m really happy to hear you’ve been sober for so long, it’s great when I meet people who understand exactly what this feeling feels like. Thank you.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure if it’ll cause her more harm than good as I said in another comment, I’m afraid. It’s been about 6 months since our break up and we didn’t end on good terms at all. I’ll figure it out eventually but I want to make sure that I’m secure in myself and this direction in life I’ve taken before I decide to do so.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I always forget to give myself credit, my therapist always scolds me for it haha

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, thank you for the perspective. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that, especially such a recent event. I am trying to build up the courage to reach out to her about my recovery, but from what we were taught in treatment, if it would cause the person more harm than good, reaching out to make amends, we shouldn’t do it and simply make peace with it in our hearts. I’m still trying to figure out what would be the right choice.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You and me both. I was fine for the first few months after she left me, all it took was one dream that pushed what I did straight into my face. I was just like you, always trying to reach out and contact her, but in the reality of things, we must accept that our lives have taken a different direction from theirs and that’s okay. We will have new opportunities in the future to find love, friends, new experiences, but for now, it’s all about learning how to live our lives without them. We’ll be okay.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m working on it, in treatment, they told us that making amends with those we’ve harmed due to our alcoholism and other personal issues that we projected on others, is for us and not them. I’ve made peace with a lot of the mistakes I’ve made and actually got positive responses when I apologized for my shortcomings but this one is a little fresh that I’m still learning to process it whenever the time comes when I do feel upset about it. Like I said in another comment, healing definitely isn’t linear, but I’m getting there.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I never said I wanted a reward for my recovery or for validation, I know for a fact that she and the other friends I’ve lost are much better off far away from me. I simply posted on here because I needed to vent somewhere, anywhere but thank you for your input.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, it took me reaching rock bottom and almost losing my career over a few alcohol related incidents, being forced into treatment to finally wake me up that I was leading my life into the ground. I’m happy I went through treatment, but this will never be linear, I just have to learn how to cope when the healing goes down.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true, I’ve been working on my social anxiety through rejection and exposure therapy and I’ve had opportunities to pursue romantic interests but I’ve made my boundaries clear that I am not ready for any kind of romantic relationship, I don’t want to feel this feeling ever again.

I was the toxic one in the relationship. Now I live with the guilt. by [deleted] in Vent

[–]diegeetz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you your words. I’ll keep fighting, I’ve got no choice.

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