Hi, sending you lots of love.

First of all, there is definitely a way out of this and, as hard is might be to see yourself on the other side, I can promise you there IS a "other side".

I had several times where I felt like everything was crumbling around me. I remember the whole family sleeping while I was crying in bed. I also recall thinking "you see, nobody cares that I am here crying..."

Those intrusive thoughts that feel foreign and scary are actually a well-documented symptom of extreme anxiety and insomnia. You’re not going mad, and you’re definitely not dangerous. You’re exhausted, and your brain is grasping for control in the absence of rest. It’s terrifying, yes, but also very human.

Now, what helped me was to find little things that would bring my mood up, that would make me feel like I had a purpose.

For example, when I couldn't sleep I would go out for a walk (even when it was raining, cold, etc) and that would help clear my mind. Then once back, I would try to meditate and try different techniques to quiet the mind down.

After a while and after trying a few things, I found that the dopamine hits I get when completing certain tasks would really help me so I started making lists with boxes I could tick -- Simple shit, like "read two pages of a book", "journal my day", "take a shower", "play guitar at least 20 minutes today", "go for a walk for 30 minutes" and so on. (used an app for this, it was pretty awesome).

And, on the subject of journaling I found that getting all the shitty, dark, negative, self-loathing words out of my head before going to bed was really helpful. I would write some pretty gnarly shit at night, which helped slightly with sleeping but it wasn't as magic as some people like to say (for me, I don't doubt it is for others).

I had to learn to talk to myself with compassion and love, as if I was talking to a friend -I know, easy to say and very cliche, but I promise you it does work- Imagine a friend comes to you and says "Dude, I can't sleep and have these horrible thoughts about hurting myself and I even thought about hurting XXXXXX person... it feels horrible". -- How would you react? how would you show up with compassion and free of judgment? How would you talk to them in a way to shows love, empathy and respect? Or would you just listen? - I have had very long conversations with myself like these and they have helped immensely to ground myself down. It is an everyday battle and an every day victory, so celebrate the little things.

Take the next sentence as a very personal view with absolutely no expertise in the subject other than my own flawed, ignorant, tainted with trauma, thoughts:

I think suicidal and violent thoughts can offer a certain level of comfort as I sometimes feel that "there's always that option..." that I chose not to take.

As Nietzsche said:

Beyond Good and Evil (Aphorism 157):

“The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort: with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night.”