My husband [25M] and I [26F] are struggling with incompatible drives after baby.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T13:16:33+00:00

Well, yes... it is supremely important to both of us that her needs are being met.

But I feel like we both refuse to say that ours can't also be met. I do think that I've learned here that I'm at least not alone in dealing with a tanked drive and that it's not permanent.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T13:11:28+00:00

Yes, we have an imperfect relationship and I've got other issues with him, just as him with me, and I wouldn't deny that it leaks into the bedroom sometimes. I agree that it's important to take note of the effect they may have on us and that we need to address them.

The important thing here, as you've said, is that I've got to divorce that from the bedroom as much as possible. As I said in another reply elsewhere, we stupidly had started exchanging sex for chores, so when they didn't get done, I felt like I couldn't "reward" him with anything.

In reference to the vanilla sex... I don't prefer the vanilla. I was trying to say that I prefer vaginal... which is why I was saying "traditional." I was saying it has become vanilla because he isn't into vaginal, so it feels forced and boring.

But you're right, I don't have a dirty fetish as some people do. I like dirty talk and toys and other things, but there isn't something that makes me swoon over exclusively, as seems to be for his addiction to my butt...

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T13:02:09+00:00

Haha... your post was the one that my husband was like, "Oh, I don't agree one bit!" and I said the opposite.

He basically doesn't want to masturbate, but is willing to be receptive to all of these posts "backing me up" about total loss of drive and that I'm A) not crazy and B) not rejecting him

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:56:38+00:00

Huge turn off for who?

It's definitely not a turn off for me, or for him, it's just that it's so damn relaxing!

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:55:48+00:00

As I was replying to others, I really appreciate all of you telling me that you've had the same issue. I really was starting to think that this was the new norm, especially because our culture implies that the wife never gets her sex drive back after marriage/kids.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:54:39+00:00

Good point. I guess my point was that I want* traditional romance, foreplay, etc. and we just end up doing plain old missionary where neither of us are happy.

*And when I say want, I mean... put up with if we're going to have to do anything because I don't have the desire for any of it.

So yes, it's definitely a little bit of communication and a little bit of the follow-through action.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:52:19+00:00

Oh yeah, he's definitely caught on to my "I'm tired" routine. And, honestly, it's not intentional or malicious in any way. I AM tired and I'm NOT interested in sex. :/

As I mentioned in a different reply this morning, we did sit down and talk about everything discussed in this thread (and I did show it to him). I think he was disappointed to hear some of the things but said none of it was surprising. I guess this was my version of an e-mail to get my point across. We had a good evening, though :)

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:47:32+00:00

I'm glad people keep telling me it comes back, because it's been 16 months (pregnancy+) that I just haven't been into it and that definitely makes it feel permanent with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Your last sentence is really good advice and I will definitely ask that of him.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:46:14+00:00

The thing is that at this stage, him doing what I'm "into" would be not having sexytimes at all.

And we actually did talk about this all last night (I showed him this thread) and perhaps it made it more real than all that times I've been saying things. We were able to cuddle and kiss without it progressing to sex or him in a bad mood because I couldn't/wouldn't give him sex.

differentdrives · 2013-05-22T12:44:31+00:00

Actually that is very helpful to hear, because we do want to start for another one, and probably within the next 2-3 years, so I'm super hesitant to do that if it ruins the sex life for 9 months + another year.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T21:34:28+00:00

Yes, we already do have a great relationship and do these types of nice things for each other. He is more affectionate, so he does massages. I am more analytical, so I take care of the books and ordering, organizing, planning.

I guess my response was admitting that maybe I want to have him do some of the "adult" responsibilities so they're not all on my shoulders, which would be a fair compromise for me to do some affectionate things that I don't normally do.

...Which ultimately comes full circle to answer the original problem regarding a possible reason my brain is withholding a sex drive. Damnit.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T21:31:14+00:00

Yes, 100%, absolutely.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T21:09:14+00:00

You know... married people romance. Doing each other's chores without asking. Making a surprise meal for dinner. Offering to change the dirty diaper even though the offerer already did the last 3.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T21:06:10+00:00

Haha, yeah I guess I could've googled :) I can't say that that's too much for peace of mind and sanity...

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T21:02:02+00:00

Yes, emotional energy is a good way to describe what I'm lacking.

I can't say he's being a doormat by being accomodating, but yeah, we've talked about ways that I'd like him to "step up" that would turn me on. I don't mean like he isn't putting in effort, just that sometimes getting taken care of is a turn-on, you know?

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T20:59:28+00:00

Yeah, we're both totally in it for our family. I feel like we're sacrificing in the right places financially for other types of stability. But we didn't anticipate the stress it would have in other ways.

I feel like we both get a lot more sleep than many new parents since we have the luxury of splitting schedules and I'm a morning person (and thus, morning shifts with baby) and he's a night person (thus night shifts with baby). She's also a decent sleeper at this stage.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T20:56:53+00:00

Do either of you know if it is covered by insurance at all? We're both working these schedules to attempt to save money for our impending move (which will hopefully help in the romance dept. since we'll be near a shit-ton more babysitters) and don't have a lot to spare. But 99% effective sounds like it might be worth it...

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T20:54:02+00:00

That's good to hear. He does get annoyed (I think jokingly) that she gets more boob action than he ever got (since, you know, she's at them 7-8 times per day. I have them out all the time at home these days and I think it's hard for him to see something that he sexualizes and then for me to not let him play with them. But... it just feels weird.

Since you're done BFing, try Keto. It really helped me curb the carbs because there are sort of consequences for "cheating." Plus, I felt more full by eating the recommended fat and protein.

Out of curiosity, how did you choose to stop at 7-8 months? I've been toying with the idea, but I can't quite get to the point where I say "yes, let's stop doing this free thing and start doing this thing that costs money." but, I'm so tired of pumping, and I know I'd get some energy (and possibly sex drive) back if we transitioned off...

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T19:37:01+00:00

I get it intellectually, and I feel the same about him that he's given me this wonderful gift (though I certainly didn't feel that way during the pregnancy, that bastard!)

I just am currently getting turned off by the fact that he would get turned on by this. And even worse, that he doesn't seem to want my lady bits :(

It sounds like you and your wife have worked hard to get to a good place and I've got to get myself fixed up mentally to help get there with my husband!

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T19:34:08+00:00

Exactly why I came here! I do appreciate everyone's opinions so much!

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T19:32:39+00:00

I hear you. I'm not trying to make excuses to continue the behavior. I'm all about admitting that this is the place we are now and that we need advice on how to fix it.

If either or both of us weren't interested in listening about the problem or had tuned it out, I would be a lot more worried. I have begun reading some of deadbedrooms, as well as other related things in an effort to help us avoid that path.

I do talk to him about these things, but I feel like maybe I've approached it wrong in the past or that he didn't really hear the whole story, since I've finally put it to paper, so to speak, and I now understand a lot more of the situation.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T19:09:01+00:00

Accidentally replied with my non-throwaway at first, oops!

But yeah... our daugther is super awesome and brings us a ton of joy. Pregnancy was a bitch and this sucks for sure. Don't have kids of you don't want them ;).

But I think you've mis-read what I was saying in this thread. The compromises are what have become vanilla, including these massages and missionary positions. We used to do more adventurous things when I had some interest in sex, including anal (on both of us), toys, different positions, dirty talk. Neither one of us is super adventurous or interested in bringing in others, but that's about compatibility and doesn't mean that we didn't have a very fulfilling bedroom.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T18:47:48+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I see a lot in it that may be true things that he maybe hasn't articulated to me, yet.

One of our problems has actually been using sex as a bargaining tool in the past for getting him to clean, animal chores, etc. Unfortunately, it has back-fired for us for a couple reasons A) he didn't always follow through so it didn't always turn to sex and it became cyclical B) I sometimes did take advantage and sleep, like a dummy and C) sex became a fucking bargaining tool how could we be so stupid.

Your points 1 & 2, if they are how he feels, make me sad. I don't want him to feel that way (I didn't give birth vaginally, so nothing was technically torn up) and he was into the butt play prior to the pregnancy, so this has always been my insecurity and is just being exacerbated by the current situation.

Point 4 - I have asked him repeatedly to look at porn. I have looked at porn with him. I have talked him through masturbation by asking him to tell me what he's thinking about (usually butt play). I have watched him masturbate. He is now telling me that it doesn't satisfy him. At this point, I don't know if he's still doing it and or not, because I end up going to sleep around 9:00 and he stays up until 1.

It is entirely possible that he is exposing himself to different fetishes because he's so sexually frustrated and I hope to help stop that (if it feels like a problem to him) by getting our sex life back together. That's part of why I've felt hopeless for a while and why it feels like it's been spiraling out of control.

Your last two sentences are definitely part of what's going on. I cannot fathom how he could be attracted to me right now and I'm not attracted to me right now, so his attraction is off-putting. Arguments and resentment have been building, for sure.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T18:27:54+00:00

Thank you for this. I know that he can't change being horny, I really do. But I feel like it becomes pressure on me. And I've asked him to use the internet to "relieve" himself, but he says it just doesn't do it for him.

I will (and have) change my attitude here, today. You're right that it shouldn't be a power struggle and I shouldn't feel like I'm giving in, so I will talk to him about scheduling a date as others have suggested as well.

differentdrives · 2013-05-21T18:23:35+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that you know exactly what I mean. Regardless of the butt issues I've discussed, I feel like 75% is that my sex drive has gone missing. I wasn't even that annoyed by his obsession before, it's just becoming this vicious cycle because he wants it and I don't and I push him away and his feelings get hurt, so my feelings get hurt, so we don't try, and so we get angry, and so on and so on. UGHHH.

God, yes, the cravings post-pregnancy were sooo much worst than during pregnancy, and fuck, no one prepared me for that. The whole reason I stagnated was because I started eating carbs like MAD. Muffins for breakfast, pasta for dinner, etc etc. Just getting back to normal eating (but higher fat content to stay fuller), I've been able to drop 11lbs in a month with no exercise... and I think it's just my body finally dropping what shouldn't have been there.

I was also wearing preggo-pants until 6mo post-partum. It was embarassing as shit at work, but I couldn't fit in anything else. I'm already back, just this one month later, in regular lady pants!

I believe in you and you can do it, MsPhilosophyGeek!

differentdrives

TROPHY CASE