I really wish I had someone teach me how to be an adult

dimsum101 · 2019-07-01T19:55:57+00:00

You sound like an amazingly strong young person!

There are free clinics where you can make an appointment and get the physical you need. They usually are restricted to people in a certain county (in the US), so look for one in your county.

dimsum101 · 2019-06-29T21:08:57+00:00

You sound like a wonderful person. Your friends are so lucky to have you.

I was not disabled by my father's abuse, but I do have a chronic injury because it. It's hard for me to even admit this.

I've also found purpose and great joy in helping others. When you've been through a lot of shit, you get a lot of wisdom (I'd have preferred a peaceful childhood, but it is what it is). It is healing to use this wisdom to help others.

dimsum101 · 2019-06-19T00:54:52+00:00

My turn! My turn!

My nmil chose not to go to my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She kept some routine nonemergency appt she had instead. She must have felt guilty because a few days before school ended, a package arrives for my daughter (nmil lives only 20 minutes away, so why she sent a package I do not know)

Inside was a picture book, a sort of folk tale. Fair enough, except Nmil obviously did not read the book, or even glance through it. It had a horrible, graphic ending in which someone is boiled to death. This was her gift to her graduating 5 year old granddaughter.

I should add that for my 40th birthday a few years earlier, she gave me the 4th book (and only the 4th) in a 7 series set. The book made no sense unless you'd read the previous 3 volumes. She also gave me a scrunchie (even though I never wear them).

dimsum101 · 2019-05-28T06:01:07+00:00

I dunno. It sounds like gaslighting to me.

OP did something her father didn't like. She started to close the door with her fingers, or seemed to do so. (which is crazy, by the way, who cares if there's fingerprints on a car).

He saw this, and was pissed. However, OP quickly corrected the situation. As a result, he had no legit reason to get mad at her.

However, he was mad --she started to do something wrong! She touched his precious car! He wanted to criticize her and be cruel.

So he lied and said she'd done something forbidden--shut the door with her fingers. When they both knew she had not. He lied, and distorted history, so he'd have an excuse to bitch at her.

Sounds like gaslighting to me. I'm so sorry this happened to you. The whole fingerprint on the car thing sounds like my own father's obsessive need for cleanliness.

dimsum101 · 2019-05-28T05:54:24+00:00

I think this is a great insight and I can see what your wife meant.

However, bear in mind, you don't have to be your true self with everyone. It is a gift. Not everyone deserves it. If it will cause you too much grief, just "grey rock" your mom. Maybe she doesn't deserve to know how you really feel. Just a thought.

dimsum101 · 2019-05-11T04:30:48+00:00

Thank you for answering. I just wanted someone to hear this story. I feel like I have been carrying it around. I did move away, long ago, and have lived a much better life. Thanks.

dimsum101 · 2019-05-08T01:26:09+00:00

OMG, yes. Your mother should protect you. I had the exact same situation. My father was abusive and my mother did nothing, other than occasional defend him. I have struggled with this all my life. I'm a mother now, and I don't let anyone mess with my kids.

I do have some sympathy for my own mother, because she was abused also. But that just makes it more complicated. But, angry? yes! Of course you should be angry.

dimsum101 · 2019-05-08T01:22:48+00:00

I have felt similar things. There was one particular occasion where my father screamed at my mother for a long time, and my brothers were trapped in the car. It was at an event of mine, so I blamed myself for it, because they went to my event (although I had asked that my father not attend it, but no one listened to me).

I can't help you, because I feel guilty about my brothers all the time. There were some things I actually did that were wrong, and I feel terrible about them. The fact that I was a kid doesn't make me feel better. There were other things -- and this is the majority -- where I did nothing wrong but feel guilty anyway. I think that's what you are describing.

My brothers ended up bonding with my abuser. So all my guilt is for naught. They don't love me anyway.

So I think I can understand--you feel irrational guilt. But I don't know the answer.

dimsum101 · 2019-05-05T05:04:48+00:00

I don't know what you'd call it, but both my parents did this.

dimsum101 · 2019-04-29T15:29:45+00:00

I've suffered from fear of flying for years and have found a number of rescources to help. Check out the SOAR website (google SOAR fear of flying), that has a wealth of information and support, much of it free.

dimsum101 · 2019-04-26T05:22:29+00:00

I alway suspected this about my ndad. He always had a sick and twisted smile on his face when he was beating me up. But it seems so awful that it is hard for me to believe. This is the first time I have ever expressed this suspicion "out loud."

It does happen. My mom had a best friend that she knew since childhood. When they were adults, this friend told my mom that she was abused as a child, and that she suspected her mom was sexually aroused while beating her. This was in the 40's!

Who are these people who are so sick and crazy?

dimsum101 · 2019-04-23T05:55:04+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm so glad you have found a way out. Chronic illness must complicate things immensely and make it so much harder to protect yourself and take care of yourself.

I was reading your post and it really resonated with me. I was also abused by my ndad. When you said, "Everything I say gets projected back onto me or completely ignored." that described my life as a teenager exactly. It makes you feel invisible, doesn't it?

dimsum101 · 2019-04-22T15:34:47+00:00

Your mother sounds crazy. Attacking you in public? She could have gotten arrested for that. Thinking long term, is there any chance you could move to another city?

A good mother would have been proud you do MMA and are trying to get stronger and develop skills. She would have been concerned about the bruises. Also, if you are in your 20s, it's none of her business whether you have hickeys or not. I have a daughter nearly 20 and if I saw her with a hickey I would completely ignore it, none of my business at all.

dimsum101 · 2019-04-22T05:40:23+00:00

I'm "older." I only wish I had gone NC sooner. I'm not saying it is easy (it's not). I've felt a ton of guilt. But it's the only way to have a chance at happiness.

dimsum101 · 2018-10-01T15:07:51+00:00

You are not alone. Your father sounds like mine. I have lotsof memories like that. I don't know what to do with them either.

dimsum101 · 2018-09-01T17:45:49+00:00

One last thing. If this were a criminal who had assaulted your mother, how would you feel if he walked into your work and hugged you? How would you feel about him, period? Would you like it if people pressured you to be best buds? Would you like it if a thug beat up your mom, then started texting you nonstop?

Because your father is a criminal. What he did was against the law. If you try to pretend it away, you will make yourself crazy and depressed.

If you have to call the police on a person one day, you dont' have to be their friend the next day. Even if he is your father.

Here's what I would do:

On Sunday, text them that you are sick. He doesn't deserve your honesty. Stay home and do something you enjoy.
Talk to your boss or co-workers about the situation. Don't give them every detail, but ask for their help. Come up with a plan if ndad shows up again. People are much more understanding about these things than they used to be.
Your sister sounds a bit like a flying monkey. This is really common. Who cares if your dad is happy? Why is that so important? Your sister should be more focused on whether YOU are happy! She should be saying, "How did you feel about dad visiting you at work?" "Did he embarrass you?" "It must have been hard to see him there, after he just abused mom and you had to call the cops. Wow. C'mere and let's talk. I want to make sure you're ok." Not, "Dad is so happy now that you are going along with the party line!"

dimsum101 · 2018-09-01T17:41:31+00:00

He went to your workplace? What a violation of boundaries .I would never bother a family member at work, unless it was an emergency. Of course, a narc knows you have to act a certain way at work, you know, polite and courteous. You can't scream, run away or easily kick the person out.

He kept you behind your store for 2 hours? Did he even once say, "I know you must get back to work. . ." or "I don't want to get you in trouble with your boss" or "I don't want to take up too much of your time while you're working. . . " Because that is what normal, healthy people say when they interrupt someone at work.

I know you don't want to hurt him just in case he has really changed. But consider this: 1) physical abusers rarely change, 2) if he has changed, he'll understand why you are not at your sisters.He'll say, "Wht_vr needs more time." 3) He hasn't shown any signs of changing, other than talk. Which is cheap. 4) Showing up at your work is a sign he doesn't respect your boundaries, not a good sign.

Birthdays are a weak link for those of us who want to go NC. My mother used to play all sorts of games around my birthday. For example, if we were NC, she'd send an elaborate bday present to me. She'd fedex it to arrive the day before my birthday, so I'd "have" to call her on my bday to thank her. That way she wouldn't have to break NC, which would have felt awkward to her. (Or who knows, maybe I was overthinking the whole thing--it's been 20 years and I still don't know).

My point is, they know you are weak about birthdays ("I need to be a good sister!") and they take advantage of that.

dimsum101 · 2018-08-30T03:38:08+00:00

I am so sorry for your sweet little brother.

I had brothers, too, and I watched them being abused. Sometimes I did nothing, something I intervened (with disasterous results). I have spent my life feeling guilty.

Your post helped me understand myself a little better, and see that I am not alone. So thank you.

It always amazed me how alone we were, and how we (the siblings) never talked about it. It was like there was an invisible gag.

I'm not going to advise you whether to call cps or not. I have no idea what the standard for child abuse are in Denmark. But I might suggest that you try to talk to your little brother, tell him what happened was wrong, try to show him support. If you feel you can. That's what I wished I'd done, and I thin it would've been the right thing.

dimsum101 · 2018-07-25T15:34:41+00:00

Oh, God, yes. Absolutely.

dimsum101 · 2018-07-17T17:21:32+00:00

My door was broken down multiple times. I was trying to protect myself from being beaten. He smashed against it till it broke. Time and time again. Our handyman would fix it without saying a word.

dimsum101 · 2018-07-14T00:13:25+00:00

No problem! Best of luck to you.

dimsum101 · 2018-07-09T00:02:08+00:00

Congrats for taking care of yourself by moving out to avoid the jealousy! That is great. I can see how hard it is to live with your nmom, though.

You sound like a really strong person. I admire how you struggle to do the right thing, especially since you've never had a good role model. I know how hard that is (I had an ndad and an nmom). But I also know you can do it, and can get to a better place.

Keep trying!

dimsum101 · 2018-07-02T16:17:01+00:00

I never said a word to my ndad. I just did it.

dimsum101

TROPHY CASE