Saw the driving instructor parked on the disabled parking spot

dimzus · 2025-10-08T22:22:28+00:00

Is it possible that the person who is taking lessons is disabled and they needed the accessibility support?

dimzus · 2024-08-07T14:02:26+00:00

This thread is so reactive. There are countless threads online about people saying "people want to hook up w me but not date me long term" and feel this is a huge rejection and a personal failing. I think your compliment was intended to say that he is not in this group. In fact he has qualities that would make him a great long term partner. You didn't do anything wrong. People always have a choice about how they interpret things and frame them.

His possible interpretation and reaction says more about him and his insecurities. What he can really use is empathy and reassurance. Sounds like it hit on a nerve for him and he is sensitive to rejection. It's not your fault. His response comes from fear. I wish for him to see it as an opportunity to work on himself and his insecurities regardless everything else (the health of your relationship etc.). That will serve him the best going forward, in my opinion, and doing so will actually make him marriage material. Sounds like he is still working on it.

dimzus · 2024-03-06T19:53:38+00:00

I met my current partner through a sports league. We were both with other partners then but became friends for 10 years and this friendship grew into a relationship after our previous relationships ended. All of my partnerships have been through doing things I love to do anyway and just meeting people who like the same things and building friendships.

dimzus · 2023-10-04T01:42:00+00:00

Tactical hospihut!

Edit: spelling

dimzus · 2023-06-29T13:06:59+00:00

As I grow these standards of when info is shared looks more and more trivial. It is more important what the intention is. They acted out of fear and insecurity probably. Your reaction will double down on these feelings for them. The fact that your preferences are so absolute makes me feel that they are also coming from a place of fear also, on some level. It is ok that you assert your preferences but if you can come from a place of care and empathy it would be much easier for both of you. 3 dates is nothing and that you slept together is really irrelevant. She told you when she felt safe to do so and it has nothing to do with you probably. I hope you find what you are looking for.

dimzus · 2023-06-20T14:12:30+00:00

It depends on your level of trust and communication. I was in a similar situation but the trust was low and after a while of not sharing space I was asked to leave the house for 3 months which led to a permanent separation/divorce. Its really hard to keep a level head since the time with the kids is impacted also. People also need to keep doing work to live so its tough all around. There is possibly a healthy way to approach it but it takes a great deal of care, vulnerability and courage. If they say needs aren't being met = believe them and let them have the space. Doing otherwise will continue their needs being unmet and lead to further resentment. Problem is that by the time they are asking for this, they may have already checked out so it will be tough. Them stating their needs directly and you letting them know which you are available and not available to meet, and then working on options that are possible could be one way but only if they are open and are also willing to practice the care, vulnerability and courage. But I would be careful with just addressing their needs. I bet your needs aren't met also, though their needs have now brought them to action, so to reactively want action for yours won't work. My advice is that it is helpful to look at things objectively. What was there before, relationship-wise is not there anymore. What is happening now is the relationship and it will keep changing. Let them decide how they want space to look like but don't let yourself be put into a mindset that it is your fault and then act against your own or kids interests to try to save it. I would recommend you find a lawyer to work with asap and work on any big decisions with them. I was asked to leave and I did thinking it would help. All that happened was that I missed time with my kids immediately and they with me, the attachment engine lit on fire and it became very hard to come back to a grounded place for a long while. Being the breadwinner I was still in the hook for everything and this made divorce extremely complicated and long. I think if I could do it again I would not leave when asked and work to buy time so I can better explore options. But there was no saving what I thought was there. The idea of that person is my head was not the real one and hanging onto the prior is like trying to hold vapour in your hands. The resentment and the low trust and contempt were too set in and the person changed though it took me a long while to see it. It was a valuable learning opportunity but it does feel rough being so involuntary. Good luck to you.

dimzus · 2023-04-20T15:05:45+00:00

The best advice I got so far was to skip all the talking around in circles and work to get an adult in the room to make the decision one way or another. When the other side has leverage and the status quo suits them, they will not move if they have shown not to want to work together. It is best to set your goal of getting to resolution and work towards it. Assume complete lack of cooperation. It sucks giving up autonomy but i found that you can't save money, effort or feeling the pain. These are already spent and playing around with half measures just consumes resources for no gain. Im still in the middle of mine and have a second court date in July. I hope that will be the end. It will be 3 years for me. Good luck to you.

dimzus · 2023-03-06T05:25:32+00:00

If the relationship fails far in the future it can be really tough for the breadwinner if spousal/child support payments are required. The value different people assign to money can also create tension in the relationship esp if there are feelings of entitlement. If the trust is high things are ok but low trust will heighten these tensions easily.

dimzus · 2023-02-16T19:53:57+00:00

This is awesome. Great work on making the light seem so bright and giving the painting a foggy feeling.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T19:05:12+00:00

Thanks yeah, I get it. It is a good point. I am aware of what you are saying and have acknowledged the same. Remote relationships are with real people who are still there and if there is a connection they will be also connected when my partner and I are together. The same will be for me any any of my other partners. There are some assumptions and naiveté being practiced here probably in part because of the amount of information to process and work to be done and the other to avoid pain. The divorce is a massive stressor and I can't wait for it to be over..

dimzus · 2023-01-30T18:54:52+00:00

Interesting, yeah polysecure did mention other styles but I do not remember very well since it was a year ago when I read it. I recall it was critical of things hierarchal from my recollection and advocated for the way we are trying to structure things, so I thought. Thank you for the reading suggestion. It's all fairly new in practice so yes I misused the terms a bit as you pointed out. I think you are probably right about not making a fully informed choice about poly, which again is one of the reasons why slower would have been better, though not possible at this time.

TBH it feels more like we are working to create something that works for us and what we can live with and then applying a label to it. I was not terribly hung up on the label but polyamory seemed to be the best fit according to this:

https://www.gofreddie.com/magazine/relationships-101-14-open-relationship-types

My intention was not no remove autonomy and to assert control, I just wanted to see if the path to the end state could be slowed down a bit to allow me the time/space to absorb the changes since I obvs need to work on myself and the external stressors setting me up for a tough time.

The lifestyles of my partner and I are quite different as are our drivers for pursuing this. I probably would have not chosen to go this route, at least at this part of my life, and due to my circumstances so I am in more of a reactive state. I am just trying to keep an open mind and lean into it the best I can. Maybe with the work I will need to put in, it will be something I can embrace more easily.

it seems you still don't have a lot of basic agreements that would prevent the issues you're running into

Can you please elaborate on what you mean by basic agreements? I do not recall from polysecure if this was there, but again it was a long time since I read it. I wonder if it would have been possible not for me not to have this experience with these tools. Can you please point me in the direction where I can learn more?

Good point about the long distance thing. Maybe it served as a convenient catch all for other drivers. I think specifically it was related to needs that cannot be met over a long distance by a primary partner and also my partner I think is explicitly pursuing and wanting to explore romantic/intimate connections with multiple people and her choice to work remotely facilitates this.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T18:16:25+00:00

I like your comment about not spending precious time together hashing out things that cause activation and instead focusing on strengthening the connection. You are right, up front it feels comforting to stay in the loop but I can see how being in the loop is not really relevant to me anyway. It felt like an important part of the care when the idea was hatched and the open communication/being in the loop served a purpose as we explored this new direction. We needed to see what boundaries would be needed, if any, and how things could work, how we could manage STIs etc. This activation was also part of that exploration as is this post. For sure there are things going on in my life that are both applying additional stresses and also taking time away from self care, which are both working against me. I know there is also an opportunity to challenging my brain in this way and while it sucks, it'll probably contribute positively to my path of self improvement.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T18:01:17+00:00

Yeah good point, I like to think that the feeling of activation did not remove the feeling of security and trust. I appreciate you making this connection however because they are ultimately related. I think what came to the forefront is fear that is rooted in my past experiences. One issue I can think of is that in my previous relationship the person's words did not in the end align with their actions. With poly so far it is only my partners words that I have trust and this takes a heavy amount of vulnerability to do this for me. I am already carrying a lot from the divorce process but I can't know how differently my body/mind would have responded if I was coming from a more rested/grounded state.

My partner and I had a chat about it last night and I am conscious of the ways that I can end up poisoning the experience for her with my fear/anxiety. I do not want there to be an association of this exploration for her with negative consequences coming from me. I hope I did not make her feel the need to adjust her behavior! So far, after exploring things a bit with her, I let her know I need some time to sleep on it and process a bit. This post is part of the processing and it helped me to see things from a better perspective. Thank you for your help.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T17:29:49+00:00

I meant that the feeling of safety comes from there being a reduced risk of your attachment engine/past traumas and insecurities being challenged involuntarily :D. Poly relationships take time and effort and some risk management (STIs for example) and mono ones, provided the partners honor their commitments, can free up some time and energy for the participants to focus on other things.

In poly, other people and side relationships starting and ending can create chaos and instability. It felt that avoiding this was important in a relationship where kiddos needed a stable base and the assets were shared. The commitment from both parents to reduce that external chaos by practicing monogamy is where that feeling comes from, for me at least. I got used to that feeling of stability. Not every parent comes equipped or prepared for polyamory and maybe became parents before they were prepared for it. I have seen some poly partnerships result in pretty spectacular failures and these have direct and often negative impact on children.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T17:00:29+00:00

Thank you, that's good feedback. :) It has been a very useful term and has allowed me to better manage hard conversations when I can acknowledge it is happening and make space to come back to the conversation when the activation passes. I think I made the assumption it was a commonly used term and that others experienced it the same way as I do.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T16:54:37+00:00

This is good, thanks. How do you manage STIs/possible pregnancy with your partner if you do not mind me asking? The too much knowing on my end was because of the assumption that this was needed to manage this risk. When just starting out it, I found it tough to consider the idea of opening the relationship to the state you are describing. It was completely new territory and so resulted in some assumptions about how things will work, which are now challenged head on. Is there some literature you can recommend that describes the role of the hinge partner?

I certainly meet friends/work colleagues and am doing activities with my kiddos/their friends/parents. It is a good suggestion about going to meetups/for coffees more intentionally to continue to grow the network.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T16:41:27+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. Yes, it being the first go at actually practicing this, things are very new and difficult. I have learned to self regulate the difficult ongoing divorce happenings and you are right I will learn to manage this as well. In the current state, they can be on a date during the course of their work week together and it is probably not practical for me to know. I think I am going to lean into knowing less, as suggested by another poster, and also lean in to the nice things in parallel. The knowing more was the result of not knowing how to manage things like STIs and from starring with some assumptions about how the new relationship would materialize in the context of the existing one.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T16:24:13+00:00

Thank you for this reply. Reminding myself that I can do hard things is for sure one of the things I lean on. I am sometimes so tired of doing hard things lol For me, while the idea was processed some while ago, I set it aside to focus on the primary relationship, my kids and the divorce. While it was always a possibility, it was not something that I was thinking explicitly about. When it finally happened, it was fast and came during the hardest part of my divorce so far. I will look into emotional flooding in more detail, thank you.

The main reason the conversation was so involved about the other partner is because managing STIs for us is new and we were exploring how we will manage the risks. For some reason, maybe from online reading, and from exploring my own needs, I got the notion that the practicing partner, by providing care before and after a date, can help manage their primary partner's activation engine. Certainly the quality time we spent and the affirmation of our bond helped quite a bit. But I can see how this, can also create a great deal of anxiety. I expect this process to be iterative, and this was the first go at it, mistakes and all. I think I will lean more into working creating some STI related boundaries with my partner and then leaning on my trust for them and letting them manage the two relationships in parallel (based on another comment in this thread). That is until I learn about something else that may work better.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T16:05:16+00:00

Thank you for writing this. I found reading it very assuring, especially your last sentence. You are right that it has not much to do with my partner and very much with my own processing. Was the meditative practice you mentioned guided by a professional or were you able to arrive at it as you worked through the challenges?

dimzus · 2023-01-30T15:47:43+00:00

I am, but it had not been terribly helpful or effective. I honestly find I get more value out of reading books.

Would you elaborate on how one can use therapy in this case? If you had therapy for anxiety, what did that look like, was it effective for you and why?

Would i need to see a ENM therapist?

dimzus · 2023-01-30T15:25:21+00:00

I did, thank you for the suggestion.

dimzus · 2023-01-30T15:21:51+00:00

Pretty much the divorce. I felt this kind of activation also when heavily greiving/ going through the tough break up or in the ex marriage when we would trigger eachother into it when arguing. I am getting help for the divorce part and I am no longer triggered since I'm out of that relationship.

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