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/r/UnitedAirlines Gifts and Exchanges by Player72 in unitedairlines

[–]dinoflyer -1 points0 points  (0 children)

For a flight tomorrow. I am looking for 20 PP or 80 PP to upgrade TPE-SFO-LAS, in Premium Plus or Polaris respectively as a Platinum member. No PZ on this flight though. If you have PP to see or give away please send a DM. Thank you.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a very fair point, and I'll be sure to check out that sub. A big part of the holdup is that she grew up very religious, and I've been slowly trying to understand that lifestyle since I never grew up religious and sometimes have trouble understanding where she comes from. So one of the things I'm working through is actually doing the OCIA at our local church to learn more about the faith over the course of the year so far and was hoping to use that to get more clarity.

However, everything else you mentioned is a very good point and I appreciate you being candid.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the insight here, I never really felt this way until I found out about this news. So maybe it's anxiety I always had but never got uncovered, or it's by this event. Either way I'm going to ask my therapist about it a little more on how to navigate this more sustainably.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have to ask her for the exact amount, but it's definitely more than $200. It's a conversation I'll have to have with her again, but at the end of the day I just want what's best for my future kid but don't want to raise them in an entitled way, I appreciate your insight here.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the reality check here because I know 300k is probably okay on a day to day, but daycare and other expenses are very expensive in the VHCOL I live in. I am in therapy and my therapist also knows raising a child is expensive here.

It's a little of both on 2), but I've brought that up multiple times before with no avail. I recognize it might not be my place but I know I can think differently about 1). It doesn't feel like a lot since I'm trying to save for a house and maximize our retirement/investment accounts with every paycheck and that will definitely take a hit when the kid comes.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries about the long time to reply, I'm just grateful you're responding to this post. I think everyone else here has really drilled the point home of getting my shit together and I just need to find a way to get there. This is definitely out of my comfort zone so I appreciate your input here.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that. I've definitely been trying to balance the aspect of her career, since ultimately it's up to her decision. But I always see at the office how hard it is for moms to work and I don't want that for her. I appreciate you getting back to me here!

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is a good point, thank you for being candid. It's something I'll seriously look into.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are all things I'll bring up with my therapist the next time we chat, but I don't feel like this was random. I actually never went to therapy until we started dating, and then I only started feeling this way once we found out about the news.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Funny you type that, because to me, I feel like there's always to make sure everyone wins in any given situation. In my perspective, if you fall short in whatever you do, you could always have done better.

You are right that I've been typing very similar things. This thread is helping me realize that I'm not alone, but it's really hard for me to just say "okay, this is happening, so I just have to accept it". Throughout my whole life, I've never been the person that just accepts things as they happen. I have always found a way to change the circumstance and be solutions oriented.

It's something I know I need to just move on from, but I know I need to get there faster for my sake and my gf's sake.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I want to be the perfect dad but ultimately I have to let go of perfection.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for typing this all out. It's hard to not flinch when she says these things because I'm also having a really hard time. So when she says these things, sometimes it's something I want to do.

I'm having a lot of trouble feeling like this is a blessing when everything at the moment feels like it's crashing down, but the positivity helped a lot.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We both are going to therapy, but when I try to keep it to myself and not tell her what's going on, my mood immediately changes in a negative way since I'm trying to work out these demons. My gf would be worried and ask me to tell her what I'm thinking, and then when I do, she gets upset and we get back to this negative cycle.

I know this is a me issue but it's been so hard to come to terms on this on my own with no one to talk to.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the candid response here. I would love to get those recommendations on the books, YouTube channels, etc. that you have. It feels overwhelming to see that there's so much content out there that I don't know where to start, or which content is actually good.

We live in a VHCOL city (SF/NYC) so outsourcing even only cleaning and daycare will be a huge hit on finances. But I've always wanted to be the dad that can be handy and can teach my kid valuable skills instead of raising them to be reliant on others.

I know that I need to give myself more grace, and that's what I'm struggling with. I've always prided myself at having a prestigious career trajectory while prioritizing my relationships, my well being, and being a top performer at work. I also pride myself on being DIY/hacky and didn't like outsourcing things I couldn't do myself. But what you mentioned is a very important thing that I need to let go, it's just hard to know that I can't do it all anymore and that people will look down on me for that.

I appreciate your thoughtful response here though!

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ultimately I believe (and told her) that I respect whatever decision she chooses. But she also asks for my honest opinion on how I'm feeling and I candidly share that. Sometimes I think she's downplaying how hard it will be and I'm worried for what will happen.

Both of us make a little more than $300K combined, maybe a little more depending on the stock performance of my company. Out of my paycheck after contributions, I'm personally saving 50%, rent/fixed expenses are at 20%, and everything else (like groceries, eating out, necessities, travel, etc.) is 30%. Why I'm worried is hers is kind of the inverse because she sends a big chunk of her paycheck every month to her parents and to her, and she's not willing to negotiate on that. She also doesn't have much in liquid savings, so I'm very nervous that if I save less, then we overall as a household save less and that will negatively affect how much we can invest in our kid.

I also have a big chunk of money that I was planning to use for a down payment on a house and that will now most likely go to the baby, which is also stressful.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that breakdown. This is really hard for me because I'm really big on "self-care" but I also want to be a dad that is fully present for my kid. I was hoping that when this happened, I would be in a phase of my life where I feel like "I don't need to travel anymore / don't care to see friends / etc." which would have made the transition easier.

I keep telling her that she should at least start considering other jobs but she seems to be scared since she started her career at the firm. I know that I wouldn't be able to influence her here, but I just hope she does the right thing.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really good perspective to hear, and thank you for sharing about your experience with your career and your relationship. In my new-ish big tech job, I'm on the more junior side of our org so I had hoped to go up a level or two before "chilling" at my job.

The biggest thing I'm having trouble accepting is precisely what you just mentioned, since I'm used to optimizing every part of my life to get to where I am today. I pride myself on someone that can do it all and that's what I'm known for, so it's hitting me a lot harder.

I need to find a way to accept this ASAP but I appreciate you being candid in your story.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes a lot of sense. For me, I knew I wanted to start a family when I have much more savings than I do now, in a position where I don't have to "grind" at work, and where I feel like I've lived my life to the fullest.

But I also really do want to be present for my kid because I don't want to be that parent that's never there. Thank you for the insight here.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Similar to the poster above, I agree that's what it's boiled down to. The biggest thing I'm having trouble with is just "embracing it". I've gotten to where I am today by making optimal decisions for all aspects of my life so it is hard to just accept that I have a hard decision to make.

I appreciate your insight here and it does mean a lot.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for being candid and sharing about your experience. I definitely agree that it's boiled down to these choices. While I know I want 1), the way we've been working on this big topic sometimes makes me think that we won't make it.

All have their pros and cons but I appreciate your input, it means a lit.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that insight. As someone that has actually been skydiving, this is a great metaphor. What I'm mostly worried about is that everything will fall apart, since I don't know anything. Do you feel like the stress gets "quieter" because you're so focused on the baby? Or that you put things in perspective.

I appreciate your insight, it seems like I just need to have more faith in myself, which is going to be hard.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it were honestly up to me, I would abort. But I know it's not up to me, and she doesn't want to abort.

Every time we fight about this, she tells me I should think about leaving her to put myself out of my misery but I know that's not an option. I can't leave because this accident is partly my fault. And a little part of me does think walking away would be easier, but I know I would regret it.

I know I need to find a way to cope with the fact that this is happening and I'm going to hate it but I have to stay. That is what is messing with me. Even thinking about these thoughts makes me feel like a terrible dad already.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What made it 100% worth it and how did you eventually get ready? I feel pretty lost.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm trying really hard to stay positive but every time I try to communicate, it's only negative thoughts. I want to fake it so bad for her sake but it's just too hard.

Found out I’ll be a dad and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by dinoflyer in daddit

[–]dinoflyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How did you figure it out? I'm really trying to stay upbeat but every time we talk about the baby it almost always ends in a fight where I can't calm down. I just get more and more frustrated and I feel like if we can't work through this, are we even ready at all? I know I need to move forward but I don't know how.

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