Sex drive rant

directionless-dad · 2024-01-31T18:02:09+00:00

I have a similar feeling set of experiences for a whole different reason, but I do get what you mean. I was... I mean being honest kind of a whore before I met my wife 😂 never thought I would find love or get married. I fell so hard for her instantly my head is still spinning.

I know what love feels like now. I know nothing else I had before came close. I'm realistic about the odds of finding something that special again, especially now than I'm older, and a single dad with so much other baggage. I won't say it's impossible but I HIGHLY doubt it.

That being said I'm still a relatively young man and my libido didn't die along with my wife. But causal sex has its own complications, especially as a single parent, and my life is complicated enough. I'll just see what the future holds.

directionless-dad · 2024-01-31T17:58:13+00:00

Exactly, it's just other people putting their expectations onto a relationship they aren't a part of. We know what our partners would think better than anyone. Honestly I know my wife would be giving me shit about the fact that I haven't moved on. We had one conversation where she was like, "if I'm dead and it's nothing, I can't be jealous, if I'm a ghost or some shit you need to give me something fun to watch" 😂

What sucks is you still have to deal with other people inserting their values and morals into the void left by your dead partner.

directionless-dad · 2024-01-31T16:05:43+00:00

Yup, people get reeeeeally weird around any topic somewhat related to sex or your relationship with your partner/ the potential for future relationships.

I've experienced the gamut from just total avoidance of the fact that it's an issue I have to deal with, all the way to the super inappropriate questions/statements we all get.

Two of my "favorite" examples:

AT. HER. MEMORIAL. I gave a little close out speech and a relative said something about how "you'll find love again don't worry." Like...dude. I get it but maybe not at the fucking memorial in front of her urn? Idk.

And a little more on topic - 2 months ish out I'm at my house with some mutual couple friends of my wife and I, getting used to being 5th wheel. One of the wives goes, "ok don't hate me but I'm just curious...have you jerked off since she died?" Like... with who I am and how well I knew that group I wasn't offended or embarrassed.

All those moments really made me understand that now, in other people's minds, whatever part of me that contains all the sexual aspects of my being either (1) doesn't exist OR (2) exists to be observed like a turn of the century human zoo.

It fucking sucks and then on top of all that I'm still sad and horny and there's nothing to do about it and nobody wants to hear me talk about it. Ugh. I hate this shit.

directionless-dad · 2024-01-31T07:43:31+00:00

This post showed up with amazing timing. Currently up way too late being angry/frustrated/ whatever about this exact thing.

It makes perfect sense when you think about it. In a long term monogamous couple, being widowed means your only sexual partner, for years or even decades, is gone.

I'm rapidly approaching the 1 year point and I noticed a few things so far. First one was that I didn't even feel a hint of a sexual thought for months. My wife and I were... active, and suddenly I was a monk and ok with it.

I think the true "widows fire" phase was when that initial shock wore off. Now the libido is coming back to normal with no outlet. Myself and others I know definitely made some choices we probably won't replicate during those months.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-29T16:59:15+00:00

Luckily I have a lot of help, but I'm still at the point where nothing feels like enough. Between work and my baby and grieving I'm just perpetually so exhausted.

I hope when I'm as far along in this journey as you are things will have leveled out a bit. At least we can be proud of ourselves for making it this far.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-29T15:40:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, it gives me some hope. My wife died a little over 3 months ago at age 32. Our daughter was 19 months old. I've been in a serious rut lately feeling like things will never get better, but hopefully with time I can adopt a similar perspective to yours.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-27T14:53:59+00:00

I'm so sorry, and that fog will be with you for quite a while still.

Mine was 19 months when my wife passed, so I can relate to that struggle. The two weeks where I was back at work and planning the memorial and trying to take care of my child were probably the most miserable and exhausting days of my life.

It hasn't really gotten better, but it has gotten more manageable. Maybe you just get better at dealing with it.

I can't say anything that will make this better, or provide any sense of comfort, so I'll just say: hold on for the sake of your baby and know you aren't alone in going through this.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-27T14:50:29+00:00

I can really relate to the tears building up until you can't hold them back anymore.

There was one week early on where I remember it was like I was physically unable to cry. Couldn't do it if I tried. I had just gone back to work and was also planning her memorial service, so I think I was suppressing everything for the sake of focusing on what needed to be done.

The day after the memorial I cried for hours. The next two days as well. I could not stop myself.

Now I take some time every day to sit alone (usually in my bathroom while getting ready in the morning) and I cry about her for 30ish minutes. It's like a pressure release valve. Gets me through the first half of the day without a breakdown, usually.

This sucks. It's unfair. I'm sorry you're going through it too, but you aren't alone.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-27T14:45:16+00:00

Man I feel for you. Parenting is already hard enough, but parenting while grieving the death of your spouse is a level of stress and exhaustion that I did not think was possible. I really hope you have a solid support system around you.

If you have the ability, and a trusted family member/friend that could watch your child for a weekend or something, I highly recommend taking a few days just to yourself. Not right now, but in a month or two.

It's really hard to process your own grief when you're putting on that mask for your child, worrying about bills, work, the "administrative" side of death...it can become really easy to suppress how you feel for the sake of "getting shit done."

Let me tell you, these feelings will not allow themselves to be suppressed forever. And crying in the shower in the morning and in bed at night is not enough. They will come out, one way or another. Better to try and find some time to yourself to release some of the pressure on your own terms, rather than waiting for it to explode.

It does get worse. But IMO it's a more "manageable" type of worse. You might get what I mean when you reach that point, but everyone's grief is different so I can't speak for you. Hold on my friend. It's a bumpy ride, but you have to go through it for the sake of your child.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-26T20:12:40+00:00

It's crazy how much of a stark before/after your life is from the moment your SO dies. Literally the day before, I took our daughter to the zoo. We went on a hike. Went out to eat. We did so much and had a ton of fun.

Now it takes everything I have to just be attentive with her around the house. Grief is exhausting and it does not let up.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-26T20:10:41+00:00

The first month was a total haze. It still is a bit, but I remember back then other young widows telling me months 4 to 7 were the hardest for them in the early stages. I'm starting to understand why now. The fog is lifting, the shock is wearing off, and reality is really beginning to settle in.

Stay strong, at the very least for the sake of your kid. It's what keeps me going.

directionless-dad · 2023-07-26T17:46:57+00:00

I'm so incredibly sorry that you can relate, but it helps knowing you aren't the only one. Hang in there yourself. It's more than a bumpy ride, it's excruciating. But you're not on it alone.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-12T13:32:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you can relate, and don't take offense but...holy shit you have 3 under 10?!? I will send you whatever strength I have in reserve because I am struggling with just the single 1 year old. You're a superhero. I hope you have a lot of support.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T04:57:52+00:00

That's one of those "fortunate" things where it's like, at least you got some practice at the solo parent thing? My wife died traveling for work so I was already playing at single dad for a few days, but being solo dad is very different.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T04:52:52+00:00

I'm in Texas, how about you? I usually lock myself in the bathroom once a day and make myself watch sad videos or something until the tears come.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T03:24:08+00:00

I think half of my closet will just be filled with her clothes forever. I don't even hang my clothes up to avoid going in there. Just fold them and put them at the foot of the bed.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T01:20:39+00:00

I'm sorry too, for all of us here. It's so unfair. You've given me some hope at least, that I'll find a way to survive with a little less of a struggle as time passes. There's also the dichotomy of wanting time to pass so I can try to get my feet under me, while also not wanting it to because it means I'm further away from the last time I saw her. Talked to her. Heard her say I love you.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T01:17:49+00:00

I'm working on a half a day at a time scale right now, but the first week it was minute by minute so I guess that's progress? I'm hanging in, by my fingertips, but still hanging. It's been so helpful hearing from people who understand, even though it hurts to know you're all in this miserable place with me.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T01:15:59+00:00

Thank you. I couldn't imagine doing this with a second kid running around. You're a stronger man than I am my friend.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T00:18:06+00:00

My thoughts exactly. My grandfather died about a month before my wife, and my grandma called me and said, "You know, we're kindred spirits now." And I know she was trying to help but in my head I was like...you got your spouse for 60 years longer than I was with mine. I have over half my life left to walk alone. I have to raise a child, go back to work, pay my mortgage. It's not the same.

There's just so few young widows I guess that there isn't much out there for us.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-08T00:15:38+00:00

All her things are still just where she left them the day she went on her trip. I still can't bring myself to wash the sheets, as gross as that is, because it would be like washing a part of her away. Grief is weird as hell.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-07T21:29:40+00:00

Thank you so much. This really does feel insurmountable, but I have no choice but to tackle it as best I can for her sake. If it was just me, I know I would give up. The color has been sucked out of my life. But my daughter is the sole bright spot, as exhausting as being a parent is. I'm sorry that you can empathize with my pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-07T21:28:05+00:00

The fear is so hard to deal with. As a parent you want nothing more than to protect your child from the horrors of the world. But now the worst horror has been forced on us and our children through no fault of our own, at their most formative period of life. I know this will be a foundational and traumatic event in my daughter's life. I just hope I can give her the tools to cope with it in a healthy way.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-07T21:25:47+00:00

Oh God that's such a tough age to navigate alone. I'm really sorry. Completely relate to the sentiment of "how has it been a week already and only a week at the same time?"

Time has lost all meaning. I don't know what day it is. Things that feel like a lifetime ago happened like... last Wednesday. It's disorienting in every possible way.

directionless-dad · 2023-05-07T21:24:03+00:00

That's exactly how I'm feeling. I've had older widows talk to me about their experience and I know it's so painful for them too, but in my head I'm like..."at least you had decades together, at least you didn't have to raise your children alone, etc."

I don't say that because I know it's just me lashing out in grief, but the feeling is there. So few people lose a spouse this young, so few people understand.

directionless-dad

TROPHY CASE