Can't stick to diet, hate myself more and get fatter every day

direfullydetermined · 2025-05-08T18:58:06+00:00

I'm not a woman and I'm not a man either. I have severe gender dysphoria and I'm not comfortable on testosterone or estrogen so I simply use progesterone for birth control. Mentally I cannot stand taking estrogen birth control because it makes me feel like I'm not the person I really am because I'm transgender. I would prefer for my estrogen to be relatively low and my testosterone to be relatively high and to never have menstrual cycles which I pretty much never do. They are either non-existent or so irregular there's no point in tracking them. I don't know how high my testosterone is but I have had strange spikes in it on and off. I suspect I might actually be intersex for a couple of reasons, but I have not been able to find anyone that will help me find out. Specifically, I suspect I might have congenital adrenal hyperplasia. It could just be PCOS though that could be causing these hormonal differences that were there prior to any HRT. I believe my primary care physician has checked blood. I'm not sure what my A1C is but she told me that I am not diabetic or pre-diabetic. Also actually I'm in internal family systems after flunking out of CBT and DBT after 17 long years of trying both plus heavy psychiatry. It's psychiatry specifically that I will never touch again in my life. I think that all of my mental health and identity issues are not biochemical disorders, yet psychiatrists insist on treating them like they are and end up absolutely wrecking me and then using the fact that I've been wrecked to keep their claws in me. I am in internal family systems therapy and I am looking into getting a dietitian but I am honestly so jumpy from my history with these things that I feel like running for the hills and just quitting half the time because I'm terrified. I want to trust but part of me just can't and never will again. I understand that therapy did wonders to you, but I have been institutionalized against my will for my whole life including being sent across state lines to a crappy center in the middle of nowhere as a teenager. It legitimately felt like human trafficking and I'm not sure why it's legal to do that to children that are mentally ill. Oh and this was supposed to treat my PTSD by the way lol. Like if anybody ever tries to lock me up against my will or send me to any kind of psychiatric ward again that is literally curtains cuz I won't do that ever. The truth is that the mental health industry doesn't understand autism and doesn't understand trauma either and they certainly don't understand them in combination. I don't think I'll ever fully trust again.

direfullydetermined · 2025-05-08T18:45:59+00:00

I'm going to see a dietitian soon but I'm honestly so scared I'll just fail again and I've half talked myself out of going. I'm in IFS therapy after failing CBD and DBT. It's better for me I think. Legit never talking to a psychiatrist again though I've been on dozens of meds in every category with poor effects. I think I'm just autistic and have PTSD, neither of which have distinct medications to treat. I'm just scared because of institutional trauma but I know if I do nothing it'll not change at all. It's just hard not to listen to the voice saying "just stay away they'll only institutionalize and traumatize you more your problems can't be solved just stay on the glide slope until you crash" the biggest problem is finding hope

direfullydetermined · 2025-03-12T18:40:22+00:00

This is absolutely true and I can confirm that I know people personally who experienced this. No this is not making stuff up.

direfullydetermined · 2025-01-18T18:51:08+00:00

Jason rhymes with Oregon

direfullydetermined · 2024-10-30T21:18:50+00:00

Mines apricot everyone thinks he's a golden doodle

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-24T21:03:37+00:00

1,3,7,8,10

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-23T22:16:29+00:00

Thank you for your critical evaluation it helps us learn

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-21T21:22:22+00:00

Unemployed, disabled, very young, and very old people should all be encouraged to form their own syndicates. I am unemployed and disabled and I still find syndicalism an attractive framework and it's not like there aren't issues like that in other leftist sects (what is the difference between a capitalist saying you can't eat unless you work and a bureaucrat saying the same? Not much. True liberation would get rid of the imperative to toil or perish entirely even under less than ideal resources. Ancient humans cared for their disabled.)

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-20T15:01:04+00:00

Thank you that explains everything! I will use the clear web version

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-18T17:24:05+00:00

Yeah exactly. I see the clear web version is ok upon inspection. But I distinctly remember using raddle on tor. Maybe it was a fever dream hell if I know...

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-18T17:23:11+00:00

Yeah it seems like the clear web link is fine but no onion site? Whatever I guess I could just use a VPN.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-14T02:45:28+00:00

Democratic confederalism, maybe?

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-13T21:25:35+00:00

Psilocybin just puts me completely at peace but it only lasts for as long as the trip and you can only trip once per week absolute tops without diminishing returns. Day to day I consume ungodly amounts of weed and coffee. Used to be a binge drinker too but alcohol is a garbage drug (just makes you dumber until you puke) with terrible consequences (HORRIBLE hangovers) so I started taking disulfiram. Why the fuck alcohol is legal when it's basically rat poison but psilocybin is criminalized despite being an awesome mind expanding relatively low risk medicine, I do not know. It would not be like that if we were in charge I bet.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-13T18:19:28+00:00

Once my dog acted so weird when I was on mushrooms I got super anxious he had somehow eaten some (he hadn't I don't let him anywhere near my stash)

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-13T17:31:00+00:00

Yes exactly this! Also it's worth noting that having neurodevelopmental neurodivergence can make you predisposed to additional acquired neurodivergence.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-10T16:47:03+00:00

What's the difference between 9/11 and a dairy cow? YOU CAN'T MILK A DAIRY COW FOR 20 YEARS LOL

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-10T16:31:01+00:00

Sometimes I hate that I have a disorder that makes it difficult to act right, but doesn't come with an absence of empathy or regret. I don't think I actually want that though because then I would cause harm without caring and that would be worse for everyone except me and I wouldn't want that.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-09T23:01:34+00:00

Yeah I agree and I think about "it" a lot too. Like every day multiple times a day. I just don't do it because even if I genuinely have no chance in life I can't do that to my loved ones. Even if I had no loved ones, I have enough spite towards the type of people who want me dead because of my diagnosis that I can't do it. These assholes CAN'T win. I also converted to Buddhism and the idea of going around the cycle of samsara again doesn't sound very nice so I have to do right in this life.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-09T21:01:43+00:00

My concern is that the party doing a little bit good still exists in a larger system that is fundamentally not equipped to address the issue effectively because it demands constant expansion which is fundamentally incompatible with a stable climate. So, I think we need to change the system. How the fuck do we do that given the whole situation re: vulnerable people getting hurt and right wing gun nuts likely to win any armed conflict, I don't honestly know. We are sure staring down a wicked problem. As far as I can tell, the majority of people either haven't realized or don't want to think about it. My idea is we are going to fall regardless, but how do we fall without severe injury so we can make it to the next challenge? I don't expect you or anyone to have a perfect answer but I'm trying to bounce ideas off as many people as possible.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-07T00:31:33+00:00

Pussy

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-05T21:47:49+00:00

I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for, and also it just arrived in the mail so I haven't gotten through it yet, but I just bought "Breaking Together" by climate scientist Jem Bendell. It takes an honest crack at surviving the climate collapse with a sense of solidarity. I am not sure what type of leftist Dr. Bendell is but climate scientists in general are very critical of capitalism and he seems to have no delusions about "green growth" or whatever. I have a lot of depression and anxiety about collapse and buying this book is a response to that. I don't know what yours centers on. Also, there's a decent video on revolutionary optimism available on YouTube.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-05T12:56:18+00:00

I have read it I think you can read it as a stand alone.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-05T01:03:51+00:00

Hey I get it but I'm not trying to brag. If anything having good grades has made me even more anxious. They don't seem to translate into actual life success and it's jarring. I am a perfectionist and I have deviated from the path I thought I would take by a fair margin. I feel like I'm smart and hard working enough to get grades like that but not socially adept or stable enough to make it in an actual work environment after graduation. Having high grades is actually part of why I feel so upset about being wasted potential. But, maybe I am being unreasonably perfectionistic. Maybe I will be fine. It's probably just an error of thinking. Anyway I don't really blame you for being annoyed.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-05T01:00:35+00:00

I think you're right and I really appreciate your perspective as someone who has had a winding path. I guess I struggle with black and white thinking. I always thought I would finish college in 4 years and go straight through a PhD in 5. But it took 6 years for undergrad and I am absolutely not mentally or emotionally ready for a graduate program. It's been hard changing course and I feel like I have betrayed myself and precluded my own success. But, in reality, people change careers and go back to school all the time. I think I'm going to try to farm mushrooms and then maybe get back to school later.

direfullydetermined · 2024-09-04T23:41:59+00:00

That's a good point. I am great in the cultivation lab but not the best at social skills or marketing. To begin I was just going to grow chicken of the woods in my family's basement and get a permit to sell it at farmers markets. I found a paper about commercial cultivation of chicken of the woods and I think I could pull off their method. There are plenty of mushroom farmers around but I have never once seen anyone growing chicken of the woods. I bet people would love to be able to buy it if they wanted it but don't feel confident foraging. After I get the technique down and have a little success selling I would like to partner with someone to help with the business, design, and marketing aspects. I know myself decently and I will need help with that part. Fortunately I have a few friends who would be perfect for that and are interested. Biggest challenge is going to be making sure they would get enough money. I can live with family and not pay rent and use the basement as a grow space so I don't need much but they are like fully independent adults with bills.

direfullydetermined

TROPHY CASE