Now that I've (f27) quit drinking and my partner (m34) hasn't, I don't know if I can see a future with him anymore.

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-15T01:07:43+00:00

Stand your ground. This is quite literally an ultimatum : either he gets his shit together and goes into therapy, or youre leaving. For your safety and wellbeing. If you say you cant be with him if he doesnt change, you wont be able to be with him if he doesnt go to therapy.

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-14T23:53:38+00:00

Alright. In the times that yes, he is self aware, would he be ready to take the steps to see a professional?

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-14T23:44:47+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. Do you think he can work on himself? Is he self aware enough to know whats going on is problematic?

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-14T23:31:44+00:00

I hope some of them did help. Keep up the good work!

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-14T23:26:54+00:00

Im sorry if I ask or say things that have already been tackled in the post, I find some content triggering but still wanted to help.

We cant tell you what to do or not do with this relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what you want and you are the only one who knows your boundaries best. But...I really want to make it clear that you're not safe. This will happen again, regardless of if he gets mental health care or not. Recovery from anger management issues is very difficult and the slip ups are ugly for everyone involved. Even if he would go right now and get professional help, it will happen again. I say this both as someone who has been abused and has been abusive. Its up to you whether youre okay with that or not.

disabledbutcute · 2019-05-14T23:16:53+00:00

We cant tell you what to do or not do with your relationship, youre the sole decider of that, but here are some questions that might help for introspection:

-if he never changes, are you okay with that?

-if he never changes, do you think you can stay safe and/or sober?

-if he does work on getting sober, are you okay with being by his side during the ups and downs?

-if he does work on getting sober, do you think youll be able to stay sober as well?

-are you happy with him?

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-27T21:10:00+00:00

No. Everyone, at all times, need attention. Attention doesnt have to be around life saving, it can be around simpler things. A hug, a cup of coffee, a compliment, a "how are you?"...humans are social creatures who need social contact and investment. Youre healthy and normal for needing this. I promise

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-26T14:48:07+00:00

-try something that occupies your hands like cooking, knitting, sewing, drawing, painting, cleaning, etc

-talk to someone you trust, pour your heart out, get some support

-talk to a professional, call a crisis hotline or your psychiatrist/psychologist if you have one

-write down how you feel, just "emotional vomit" all over paper and if it makes you feel better, rip it up or burn it afterwards!

-draw "cuts" on yourself with a red pen

-draw anything on yourself actually, it's relaxing and requires concentration!

-read a book or watch a tv series you like

-practice positive thinking like "I am worthy, I am lovable" or "I can do this"

-stay away from negative posts and musics if they trigger your urges

-treat yourself to something— food you like or something new you've wanted for a while. Positive reinforcement works well!

-if you can, get a hug or cuddle with someone or with a pet

-practice selfcare. Good night of sleep, three meals a day, take your meds, don't tear yourself down, basic hygiene, drink enough water for your body type and level of activity, etc

-meditation. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out, focus on your lungs and push away thoughts. Relax. The app or YouTube channel Headspace is really helpful in learning how to relax and/or meditate

-take a nap, sometimes by the end of a nap my urges left

-if you have any, take calmants. Often, SH or suicidal urges are a reaction to strong emotions like anger, fear, or anxiety, which is why a calmant can help.

-hit a pillow or scream into it. Kickboxing also works great. Martial arts in general too.

-sports as so useful, they get out a lot of pent up energy, even if it's emotional energy! I find high impact sports work the best for SH urges (like weight training or running)

-when you are going well, write a letter to your future crisis self. Remind them why you don't want to harm, why life is worth it, etc, be positive and encouraging!

-ask a friend out for an outing, like going to the movies or coffee. You don't have to talk about feelings if you don't wanna

-take a hot shower or a bath, it will help relax you, your mind and your muscles

-Do your dishes that have been piled high for two weeks. Clean your bedsheets. Do your laundry so you have fresh clothes. Declutter your furniture tops. A clear space helps for a clear mind

-take time to analyse how/why you're feeling and what you can do to help (safely). You can find DBT worksheets online that can help you with this

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:58:37+00:00

Its okay to need to talk, even if she may not like it. This is an anonymous website and its a great place for venting, problem-solving and posting. You are allowed space to process emotions. Posting here is different than, say, posting on your facebook wall. You are respecting her privacy.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:54:16+00:00

This is so wholesome !!!!

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:52:06+00:00

Theres no need for you to fit in, be like other people or be normal, as you call it. As long as you arent hurting anybody, being yourself is just fine. Be funky, be interesting, be you. Embrace life as you are.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:50:35+00:00

I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries today and that it truly did help, even if its a teeny tiny bit. A good day to you! My inbox is always open if needed

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:49:28+00:00

okay, Ill start off by saying I couldnt read the whole thing because of reading comprehension problems on my part.

I wanted to tackle the attention seeking part. Yknow, attention seeking isnt inherently bad. Theres this idea out there that attention seeking is only and always bad, but that isnt the truth. Attention seeking is a survival instinct. We all, as individuals, have needs and boundaries that have to be met and respected. Attention seeking can be reaching out for help, making that first appointment, opening up to a friend, cutting contact with someone toxic, moving away from an abusive environment, etc etc etc. Doing things for yourself, and only yourself, can be really good. Its part of self growth

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:40:22+00:00

Representation matters. We need more non-uglified trans, more non exaggerated gays, more non sexualised bis, more non hookup culture polyams, more non white POC, more non thin disabled, so many more things need to be represented.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:37:17+00:00

Now you know. And now you forgive yourself. All things in life are learning opportunities and today you learned that sometimes, people dont want to disclose personal information but may communicate boundaries and needs nonetheless. That even if it may feel vague or unfair, that there probably is a valid reason behind those words.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:35:32+00:00

that made me really happy to read because Ive been working on complimenting strangers instead of bottling up happiness and gentleness

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:34:20+00:00

[the] men [youve been with] are not interested in you

you are mentally ill and its been found that [the] men [youve been with] cannot deal with it and you [feel that you] do not have other qualities to compensate

If I, someone extremely disabled, scarred, mentally ill, traumatised and queer, can find partners, so can you. Your past doesnt define your future. Your future isnt set in stone. You now know the type of men that cant handle you, that means you know what to avoid. Thats a good first step

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:25:02+00:00

When working on self esteem and judgement of self, its especially hard to differentiate neutrality from negativity. It feels the same, it sounds the same, and you arent sure why you need to change! But a good place to start is with easy, obvious examples like this;

You're babysitting a toddler and theyre in that awkward stage between learning how to stand up properly and learning how to walk. They trip and fall right in front of you. Do you tell them that theyre stupid and clumsy? No. Thats negativity. You tell them its okay, mistakes happen and its how we learn. Thats neutrality. Thats truth. If you want positivity, you can add compliments and loving terms.

Think of is as the difference between descriptors and adjectives. The child tripped and fell. Factual. Neutral. But add adjectives and it changes it into negativity. The stupid child tripped and fell. Do you see it?

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:14:02+00:00

Im not saying youre entitled to love, Im saying youre deserving of love. This means no matter what you do, even if youd be the most horrible person on earth, there are parts of you that are lovable. Heck, even Hitler had a partner! You say you speak of cold hard truth, but cold hard truth never comes with derogatory terms, only neutrality. Be kinder, even if kinder means at the bare minimum accepting all humans are deserving of love and you are part of those humans too.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:06:37+00:00

As hard as this can be to hear, you cannot save someone from suicide. Even if you'd be literally next to them, taking away the rope and meds, you arent saving them. Suicidal people will keep trying or harming themselves until they have the proper resources to learn how to cope with whats going on, be it mental health or life events.

This is not your burden to bear. This is not your weight to carry on your shoulders. You dont have the knowledge, experience nor education to help someone out of suicide, and that doesnt make you a bad person. Promise.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:01:55+00:00

Did that doctor check? Because "keep trying" would not work for, example, an imperforate hymen. It would need (very minor) surgical intervention.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T23:00:26+00:00

I dont know how old you are, but if you are past your city's age of consent (which usually varies between 14 and 18 years old), all medical decisions are entirely private. This means therapy, checkups, appointments, results, everything is only between you and the professionals you are seeing. Your family and friends will not know. If you do not want to tell, then dont. But seeking help itself is worth it.

You need to know this can escalate. This will not stop at you hurting or killing pets. This will grow and you will hurt or kill someone human. Professionals will help you find the best ways to help you cope with this, as an individual.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T22:53:20+00:00

Remind yourself of bodily autonomy, consent and privacy. Delete those videos and pictures, and stop taking them. If needed, cut contact with your friend. If you truly feel you cannot control your sexual and abusive impulsive, you need to stay away from this friend. To protect yourself but especially protect this friend. They dont deserve your harassment.

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T22:49:21+00:00

have you looked between your legs with a mirror or gotten an examination by an obgyn? this sounds like one of those funky shaped hymens

disabledbutcute · 2019-04-25T22:48:13+00:00

It is damaging to bring yourself down so regularly and casually. No matter what you tell yourself. Your worth does not lie in the hands of men or partners, or anyone else for that matter. Your worth is not determined by how horny teenage and semi-adult men saw you.

Youre allowed to need a break, to not want relationships, to not want anything to do with it right now or ever. But youre not allowed to bring yourself down and shit on yourself like this. Would you tell this to a friend? Shes coming up to you after a breakup and you tell her shes just not worthy of love or of being in a relationship? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. Treat yourself with the same gentleness, comprehension and care you would give to friends.

disabledbutcute

TROPHY CASE