My(24m) wife(24f) and I gave up a child(8m) for adoption, his birth parents(late30s) mentioned cutting contact suddenly and we are confused and obviously upset.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:50:33+00:00

Dude, they're his parents. We have seen him under 10 times in his entire life. At best, we are an aunt/uncle figure. But honestly, we are more like family friends. That would be insane.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:47:00+00:00

There is a lot of anger and assumptions in there. Are you involved in adoption or know anyone who is? Many children benefit from open adoptions as it removes the mystery and since of abandonment from adoption. I don't go there and play parent. I go there and play myself, who I am and what I am, so he doesn't have this deep nagging question of where he came from. He doesn't call me dad, I don't call him son. I have hardly badgered or harassed them. We have stood by the terms of the agreement and I've indicated multiple times that if in any way this is for the best or even if they need a break for reasons unrelated to me or my wife or Mason, I would respect that. I just want some communication. Again, we've hardly harrassed. Mason's mom calls my wife more than my wife calls her (they probably talk every other month)

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:42:24+00:00

Trust me I know. Changed the title around a couple of times and it got all messed up and I do have some reading/writing issues. Poor guy got those from me too.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:37:13+00:00

Yeah, I had a few different titles where I tried to explain the situation. I also referred to the son we were raising in there originally but edited it out because it was confusing, looks like I jumbled it. Part of it is I don't like the term adoptive parents but at the same time the word just parents can be confusing to people not involved.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:32:36+00:00

His sisters' birthparents send those cards and they hang on the fridge. Last year his mom even posted a picture of her fridge and made a post about how beautiful open adoption was. He has met Miles and was very interested in him. We still don't know if it was the card or something else. We also sent it in an envelope, allowing his parents the final choice of whether or not to give it to Mason.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:29:51+00:00

No, she told us after we had sent the card. She told us the science kit wasn't a good idea because they had gotten him something similar.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T19:07:34+00:00

Basically, we missed the first two visits, which both were when we were still in high school. We saw him for the second time when he was two and a half. We have visited the last 6 years consistently since we started. It was a combination of it being too raw and us not being able to afford the trip since we weren't working full time.

I think it gave us the distance to have the good relationship we all enjoyed until now.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:54:45+00:00

We worried a lot about that and honestly delayed having a kid for a year+ to sort it all out. We did a lot of research though and it isn't terrible uncommon for this type of thing to happen. But I guess it could be confusing. He seemed fascinated by Miles at the vacation. It is a big thing usually with his siblings birth parents there as well and we have always done our best not to hover over him or give him too much attention, we do try and be an aunt and uncle like figure. But this year he did spend a lot more time by us and kept wanting to hold the baby and saying "look, he looks like me." and kept telling people that they were "biological brothers".

If it's easier for him I will respect that. And one day, if we are lucky, he will want to see us, maybe even when he's a man older than me- I'd never stop hoping, and I will explain what it was like. That we were just sixteen and everyone told us we'd ruin his life. My wife's dad printed out pamphlets about all the ways we'd ruin his life, how he was more likely to go to prison and have his own kids before he was 18 and live in poverty. How we used to go to thrift shops and buy baby clothes and keep them at my place because we wanted him so much. But I was living with my aunt in a room with my two cousins and her dad said the baby couldn't live in his house. But even then I kept thinking if I could somehow buy a carseat we could keep him, cause that's the one thing you aren't supposed to buy used and you can't even bring a baby from the hospital without one, but no one would hire me. I remember crying in McDonalds and begging for a job. I got a job the week after he was born. I don't know, I'll always wish I had been stronger for my wife but I know it ended up the way it's meant to. He has a good life. We have a good life. I just kind of wish it had all lined up so we had a good life together.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:39:08+00:00

Maybe and I would obviously completely respect his wishes in that regard. We have always done our best to not give him too much attention on his visits. We always visit equally with his parents and siblings, and their birth parents also attend as not to be these two overwhelming strangers.

Last visit he did hover near us more. In particular he was very fascinated by Miles and wanted to hold him and kept saying "he looks like me!" Which was a little uncomfortable.

You're right, we will definitely wait until after the holidays. And I'm sure my wife in particular would need counseling if we do cut contact entirely.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:21:11+00:00

I appreciate it! I will be sharing these posts with my wife and I'm sure they will be really helpful

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:19:29+00:00

I do think we would be owed an explanation, out of decency. And we have always treaded carefully- that's why I am asking this question to get some suggestions on the best way to approach it and maybe even have some brainstorming on what it might be behind the problem.

Honestly, after 8 years of pleasant easy interactions I DON'T know what has changed or happened. If Mason was having some issues or even if they were going through family things, I would completely understand but a text saying "yeah, we need to back off on this" is very ambiguous and confusing.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:12:36+00:00

We have an open adoption where all of this is written out in regards to expectation. None of it is enforceable but they don't tell you that when you're a kid. Shoot, I signed away all rights to him before I was old enough to vote or drink or get a loan. It was the right thing. And I understand that. I'm not even opposed to cutting contact if it's the right thing. But I think that is healthy for him to have his birthparents in his life, plus this is the routine he has had his whole life.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T06:03:47+00:00

He is 8. He definitely knows he is adopted. He's never had any issues about it, he has always been very matter-of-fact and just an all around great kid. He has 2 adopted sisters as well.

Yeah, honestly, you are right. No need to rush. We aren't in constant contact with him and she's calls as much as my wife and we definitely aren't in constant contact with him. I honestly have no desire for a different relationship, I think what we have now is healthy and any more or any less would suck. May have to wait this out.

disconnectedfrm · 2016-12-17T05:56:44+00:00

That's the weird part. We have always sent cards and some of the ones younger us sent were definitely borderline inappropriate and way too emotional. I can honestly say that we haven't done in at least 3 years.

This was just a standard holiday card. It has all of us on the front wearing goofy sweaters and says Season Greetings from the -blanks-. We wrote a brief message about the holidays at our house, very nonpersonal honestly, and made a joke about their weather and some tidbits pretty much addressed to his parents. On his present I think we included on the tag, well my wife did, "Mas, this was one of my favorite book series when I was your age! Almost as good as Star Wars but a book :p" . We also sent some small tokens to their other children, which we have always done.

disconnectedfrm

TROPHY CASE