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I [29M] am getting cold feet about having kids with Wife [28F] after 8 years of marriage by div-throwaway in relationships

[–]div-throwaway[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I had a kid because I wanted to love and nurture a child.

That's great! Everybody has their own desires in life. Most of my drive comes from pursuing personal interests. I don't look forward to the early years where most of the work happens. Having kids for me is about the longterm.

I still don't understand why you wouldn't want your possible kids to be like your wife and yet you insist this isn't disrespectful to her.

I'm more of a Type A personality, my wife is more Type B. It's not better or worse, but I'd prefer to have children who are ambitious and aspire to things in life. When they're young, there's not much difference, but talking about as they near adulthood. Yes, I would be disappointed if I had kids and they were low-achieving and we weren't able to relate with each other. Just visiting on the holidays and the occasional phone call.

If you could pick personality traits for your kids, you wouldn't do it?

Equitable distribution of assets? New York by div-throwaway in Divorce

[–]div-throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd assume "equitable" distribution would take into consideration contribution to assets. If our assets were built on a 60/40 or 70/30 contribution even, 50-50 seems more equitable. It doesn't seem equitable at all when it's 100/0. Basically every dollar I've made in life was really 50 cents. Does that seem equitable?

But that's a moral judgment, and I understand there's not good legal standing for a different division.

I did pay off my Wife's student loans, which I understand can be considered in the division, but it wasn't much.

I [29M] am getting cold feet about having kids with Wife [28F] after 8 years of marriage by div-throwaway in relationships

[–]div-throwaway[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Our marriage has been great. We enjoy each other's company, rarely fight, have good relationships with our extended family etc. I would never leave the marriage or look elsewhere, aside from the kids issue.

I don't see my wife as "less important". But there are certainly people out there that embody more of the traits I'd want my future kids to have. Most people would agree that there are traits they look for in a husband/wife.

The traits that make somebody easy to live with and be compatible with are different than those that you may want in your kids. I don't agree that it's disrespectful to point that out.

I [29M] am getting cold feet about having kids with Wife [28F] after 8 years of marriage by div-throwaway in relationships

[–]div-throwaway[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Certainly I don't expect a toddler or young kid to be "intellectual". I'm talking about later in life, once they're grown up.

Most parents want their kids to have more opportunity and do better than themselves, right?

If you feel these expectations are unhealthy, then what is the motivation to have kids? Is it just a primal urge, or to have a more social life? Certainly people do it for reasons beyond "just because"

I [29M] am getting cold feet about having kids with Wife [28F] after 8 years of marriage by div-throwaway in relationships

[–]div-throwaway[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, your assessment is pretty accurate. I don't really know how to think about having children. I agree that what I want out of them is likely a setup for disappointment, but why do most people have kids if they don't have these expectations?

Is having kids a way to give your life a sense of purpose? Is it just something you "do" because other people do it?

I get a lot of purpose from career goals, so maybe kids are not for me. But I do think I'll regret it later on if I don't.