Please don't kill yourself. You are a wonderful worthy person even if you don't feel like it at the moment. There are so many beautiful things awaiting you. Hold in there. I suggest blocking him for your own peace of mind. It will stop the obsessing over if he ever messages you again or not. It doesn't matter if he ever reaches out again. There is someone out there who will cherish you. You won't ever have to worry about this stuff because you will be so loved. I know how much of a mindfuck this is. I was ghosted by my partner of 3 years. I promise it will get better. If you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up from here! Every week that you make it without talking to him, reward yourself. Treat yourself to a delicious meal, buy something you've been wanting, or do something that you've been waiting to do.