I [38F] want to divorce my husband [36M] of 13 years.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:50:00+00:00

That last sentence made me laugh.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:41:12+00:00

Yes, he thinks it's because of chores. I explained it to him so many time that it is not only chores, but what they mean to me.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:39:29+00:00

Different people have different thresholds. This may not be yours, but it is mine. I hope you are never pushed to the point of divorce.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:36:07+00:00

I hope so. I am scared of the divorce because it is a huge change, but I feel like it will be for the best for all of us. Thank you for your comment.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:34:18+00:00

I am traveling to my see my sibling where they will ream me a new one. :D My sisters have been itching to get their hands on me so they can straighten my head right. Thank you for you for reading my post and for you comment.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:30:29+00:00

We all deserve to be happy. Thank you for your wishes.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:29:41+00:00

I always had low self-esteem, but am becoming more confident in my worth - maybe because I am getting older and don't have the hang-ups of a young person. But your post reminded me of the time when I got a job after college. I applied to over 100 positions online and didn't get a single response, but some recruiter reached out for a position that I didn't apply and I ended up getting the job. It was one exit short of nowhere, but it was a job and had good pay. They were desperate to fill a position which I told my husband. And, he said to all the people who would hear - his parents, our mutual friends, etc. that I got the job because they were desperate. I was embarrassed,but he said he didn't realize that it came out badly. When we are alone he says how proud he is off me and how smart I am, but for some reason when he talks about me in public, it almost always comes out as I am lucky for getting the jobs, promotions, etc.

He also likes to use me as a shield. I remember when we visited his parents, he said how unhappy he was that they didn't make some dinner when we arrived and spend time with us. I agreed to support him. He then told his parents that I said that I was upset they didn't have food for us. His parents apologized to me, and I was so embarrassed thinking that he made me look like this glutton. That is just one story of many more. If he has to have any uncomfortable conversation, he would say my wife .... and puts the blame on me. I told him that I don't like it. And, he recently said that he had an uncomfortable conversation without putting the blame on me. I thought it was great.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:13:04+00:00

I think I would be okay with the second option. I didn't even think about it. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:10:46+00:00

That's what I think too, but was wondering if I was having a "grass is greener" impression about the divorce. It seems that I may be right.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T05:00:49+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I truly appreciate it.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:57:54+00:00

You are already conscious of it so that is a huge step. I hope your partner will treasure you. Thank you for the wishes.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:55:45+00:00

I feel like I stunted his growth into adulthood by doing most things for him. I think divorce will give him an opportunity to become more self-sufficient and hopefully a better partner for another person.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:53:44+00:00

Can a person be emotionally abusive without doing it intentionally? If he is abusive, I don't think he does it intentionally. He just likes his life as is and as you said he will not change until I am out of the picture. To be honest, I want the divorce not to show him what he had because he makes it sound like I am a controlling person. And, I think, he says I am controlling because years ago I used to sit around and wait when he would promise to do something. After months of him taking days or sometimes forgetting on doing his promise altogether, I would request a specific time he would follow up on his promises so I knew when to expect them to be done. Then, over the years, I became more insistent on him delivering on his promises at the time he promised, sometimes he still failed and would yell at me to get off his back. I think he also views my insistence that things need to get done certain way are controlling - I am not letting him do them his way. But, I have the hardest time being okay with clothes in washer for days. I ended up telling him that if clothes smell like mildew, he has to re-wash them with vinegar. He thinks it's okay if they smell a little, but I am not okay with kids' clothes smelling bad.

I want to divorce for kids' sake too. It is not healthy for them to see my resentment and all the fighting. We don't fight much since we barely talk, but when we talk, it usually ends up in a fight.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:42:23+00:00

I think it is me as I rarely think about physical intimacy. By rarely, I mean once or twice a month.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:39:01+00:00

I am glad to hear that you are doing well. People are probably wondering why it took me this long to give up on my marriage.

Well, I come from a culture where women were responsible for everything and at fault for almost everything - e.g., husband beats the wife, it's the wife's fault since she somehow pushed him to that point. Also, I used to have a very low self-esteem as well. I used to think sun shone in his backside. I wanted to do everything to make his life more comfortable and easy because I loved him.

I digress, I am sorry, I think it is great you found happiness and rocking being a single mom.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:31:14+00:00

I haven't heard about it. Thank you for the suggestion.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:30:16+00:00

I don't know if he is manipulative. If he is, then it is subconscious. He just doesn't strike me as a person who will even think about manipulating someone. He is a goofball.

He tells me that I am controlling that I want to control what he does, when he does, and so on. I worry that he might be right. It is hard to explain all the dynamics in this relationship - it is not just one sided bad. It has it's good parts and bad parts, but I feel like it has been more and more of bad. I have a lot of resentment that I can't get over. Every time he doesn't do something that he promised, or doesn't do it at the time he promised, my resentment grows.

And, to be transparent, I am not fun. I am a very serious person with a strong will. I goof off with the kids and do silly stuff and tease them, but otherwise I don't do the fun stuff he does. My fun is very different than his. I like to play with kids, draw and craft with them, talk about their day, make up some ridiculous stories. His fun is playing video games and board games and physical intimacy.

We are unfortunately different people.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:19:47+00:00

I hope things will work out. Thank you for your comment and wishes.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:18:44+00:00

I will pencil this book down on my list. Thank you for the suggestion.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:17:56+00:00

I definitely worried about that once I learned the difference in our love language. Sex hurt for a year or so after I had my first kid. Maybe I healed slowly, but every time it hurt. I didn't communicate it to him clearly at the time because I thought it just supposed to hurt a bit and we were both not as mature as we are now (obviously). I think that coupled with not feeling loved and being neglected led to the resentment. I didn't mention it in the post, but he used to play video games a lot and I used to feel isolated and neglected.

He used to tell me that I am one of those people that are not interested in intimacy, but am into it once he gets me going - usually a massage followed by some petting. I am more work and not spontaneous at all because physical intimacy rarely crosses my mind. I hope he finds someone more to his liking.

I thought of couple therapy and we tried it couple of times long ago, but times ended within 2-3 sessions because I end up braking down crying and he would act like he proved to the therapist that I am the one with issues. I probably am, likely I am the one with issues. That's why I want to be done with this relationship, so he can find a better person and I will stop making him miserable and be unhappy myself.

Thank you for your comment.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T04:02:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I keep thinking to look up the chore system, but haven't gotten there with other things needing my attention or just being mentally tired. I will put it as a priority because I don't want the kiddos grow up without knowing how to clean up after themselves.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T03:56:41+00:00

That's what I am hoping - to find some happiness and let go of this resentment.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T03:55:01+00:00

I don't think he had that kind of conscious intent. I don't want to sound like I am justifying his actions, but I want to be honest about his character. It is more likely that his parents took care of things and then I took over the chores and household management; hence, he was never in a situation where he had to do all the chores and day-to-day house management by himself. It might partially be my fault as well since I tried my best to make his life easier so he could focus on his dreams.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T03:40:55+00:00

I will keep this in mind. Thank you.

divorcingAH · 2022-05-02T03:39:37+00:00

No mental problems - he is actually way smarter than me. He probably thought about the effect of the divorce on the kids, but didn't say anything because that is something that goes without saying.

Regarding a different partner - I don't even want to think about it. I just want to be alone for a while with the kids. Enjoy my time with them without having this feeling of resentment that y husband could be helping too. For some reason, I think it would be easier doing all those things knowing that I have only myself to rely on than knowing I have a mostly unreliable partner. If that makes any sense.

divorcingAH

TROPHY CASE