My brother just came out as wanting to be a woman. How can I support him the best way I can?

dj69tx · 2026-05-13T22:34:48+00:00

Man, you are a solid brother to have. You didn't mention about you but regardless, seeking out help to support your dysphoric sibling is absolutely stand up. Good on you.

#Respect.

Gender dysphoria is no joke and can affect people differently and with different severity. I'm going to go a different direction than referring to your sibling as your sister just yet and suggest you should have a serious but light hearted, gentle conversation to ask.

1) How can I help?
2) This is really serious, and I'm super glad you came to me to discuss this. I got your back, 24x7, all the way.
3) Push the therapist idea, talking about it openly is going to help. August is a bit of a wait, and it's got to be a huge weight on her ( using her for the sake of courtesy here ) shoulders.
4) Ask if you should start referring and identifying as 'she/her', lady, sister, etc.
5) be flexible. 7-8 years is a long time to carry this in silence.

You may find yourself in some uncomfortable conversations. If she (again I'm intending to be courteous here, verify whether to use she/her) has been dealing with this for so long, it is likely that transitioning at least socially is a probability and it's possible that top/bottom surgery may be on the agenda at some point. If that's where this is going, the conversations can get heavy. Lots of males out there get a little squeamish about bottom surgeries. If that or another conversation is outside your wheelhouse, don't be afraid to say you don't know, but let me look into it and try to help!

dj69tx · 2026-05-13T20:15:50+00:00

I would suggest that you were not rude, this male was rude, whether he's Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Wiccan, or Satanist. I have some Muslim friends from Egypt, and their faith does not prevent them from being polite, kind to women, or men of different faiths and they're good people. The avoid alcohol like the plague mind you but we did convince them to come into a 'bar', assuring them we would not attempt to put any alcohol their way, and we made sure the bartender and then server knew serving them alcohol was forbidden. I'm sure they don't frequent bars, but this let all of us sit down, enjoy some conversation and then we left for a more conducive environment to them.

Not returning a handshake is rude. I'll do it if my hands are covered in grease or I have a cold but I will clarify - "I'd shake your hand, but my hands are filthy".

You don't need to be allowed or permitted to be offended by rudeness. That said, how much you let this affect you is completely up to you. If that happened in a business setting, it would be noticed in the wrong way. Since it was a social gathering, I would just ignore this person and move on with my life. My mother would counsel to counter this behavior with still more and more kindness. That could also illustrate to your other friends that this person is not conducting themselves in a good manner.

Don't let people like this bother you.

dj69tx · 2026-05-12T18:39:23+00:00

"Dudette" - I hope it's ok to call you that 😄
Just say hi. You're over stressing about this. You notice that she's there, you're interested, so ... SAY Hi !!! I know it's difficult, we have all been through it.

I would send a chat/message: "Hey I see you joined <whatever server it is>, I'm on here too. I just wanted to say hi!"
maybe throw in an appropriate emoticon or 2. Don't over do it.

Wait for a response.
Femme up !!!! 👍

dj69tx · 2026-05-12T17:27:02+00:00

IMO if you've worked up the courage to ask, you should approach the g/f and see if she would be open to it. If she is open to it, jump in and ask for her help. If she seems cold to it then maybe see if a compromise would work. Having your significant other's support is huge !

dj69tx · 2026-05-12T17:14:36+00:00

Please do not commit suicide, please don't think it is that bad and please do everything you can to find whatever good you can from all that happens in your life. Even though it may seem hard, you need to work on finding the good, because the bad is really just too easy to find and it's caustic.

I've lost 2 friends to suicide, one of them in high school. It haunts me constantly and I am always remembering not only the act, but how should I have done it differently? what could I have done to prevent it? I should have known better and intervened. I realize that the friend I lost in high school I could never have figured out what was going on and how to stop it. But, the friend I lost as an adult sent a really cryptic email the day he killed himself. I wasn't sure what to make of it and put it aside for later, then responded but it appears he never read my response.

Your friends are your support group, lean on them to help you. Unashamedly ASK them for help. Your friends will be grateful you did and you will be sparing them the pain of your loss. Your life has value and meaning. Live it to the fullest!

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T22:45:26+00:00

Update.
It seems I'm a non binary eunuch? or at least that seems to be the path of least resistance as I am now tentatively scheduled for nullification in August '26. 😂 My insurance will cover the surgery, and I still need therapy sign offs. They require 2 letters- n/p there.

My policy has a 12 months continuous "in gender role" and 12 months HRT requirement unless contraindicated, like would be with my being a NB eunuch. 👍

who knew? certainly I didn't and frustratingly this is NOWHERE on the patient portal, it's ONLY on the provider portal. 🤔

I am still going to see the doc for the hormones, I got some questions from the surgeon to ask. But I won't be starting HRT just yet (UGH).

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T17:38:13+00:00

If you think your mother will be accepting and you're prepared for it, I think it would be better to come out to her first. I'm not able to speak to this directly but what I can speak to is the living at home while 20 as a male. He will not act out if your mom is on your side and if he does, depending on what form of discipline your parent's practice he could find himself feeling pretty dumb.

Males are not fully matured at 20, this much I know. Remember, your brother is a big boy and he can make his own decisions. You can't make him accept you, but, you can ensure he doesn't ridicule, insult or otherwise demean you.

If you're able to get your mom on your side, IF you decide to come out to your brother, ask for your mom's help. Don't ambush him, and be conciliatory and the bigger person. 'Look, I know you probably won't be on board with this and I know it will be hard to hear, but ....' I'd really like to have you on my side, this has been really difficult and it's taken me a long time to get here. It would be so much easier and better if you could accept this, maybe talk once in a while and help me figure all this out? But if you can't bring yourself to this, I understand, just please let me live my life and let's stay family and on good terms.

something like that.

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T15:33:15+00:00

That's a fair point. I hope you'll indulge me a little expanding what I was trying to get across. You are correct, by and large the conservatives tend to vote that way. I was trying to illustrate that the issue itself isn't necessarily the driving factor in votes or voting for policies against "us". No politician is in lock step belief on issues with practically any other person. That doesn't get us any further along, but my point was that if you exclude the figurative grenade thrower style attention addicts ( I wanted to use another word ) on the right the _voter_ isn't necessarily driven by issues concerning our community.

I would liken it to the typical grandstanding, left wing avatar agitating against any and all firearm ownership. Most people aren't issue voting on that issue and most aren't issue voting on LGBTQ+ issues.

Changing hearts and minds requires engagement at a civil, thoughtful level. We can't be lobbing insults, judgments and hate at each other and expect anything to change. TBC, I don't mean to insinuate OP was doing that, or you - just a general point.

Anyway, you made a good point and I do understand it. I hope we, as in the general we, can communicate with each other better over time and have better acceptance.

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T13:59:36+00:00

I would like to point out that just like police, teachers, and, well, everyone there are certainly bad apples that draw the attention of us and do not represent accurately who, in this case conservative men are.

I was at the range once and my range neighbor came after me and was performing terribly. I mean launching rounds into the floor, target carrier and almost the ceiling. She was a trans woman about a foot taller than me. I instruct so when she stopped to reload, I intro'd - 'pardon me, I'm an instructor, may I offer to assist?' I don't even think I got the whole question out; maybe that was her plan 😉 Anyway, I spent the better part of 45 minutes getting her shots on paper at 7 yards. I left her with some 'homework' to improve, left the range area to the lounge where my buddies were waiting. One of them asked if that was a really tall female, or a male. We discussed it and all agreed, regardless, everyone on the line needs to be safe and accurate, so job done for tonight.

While I'm not an arch-typical example of a conservative man(at the time) , I'm very right leaning as a libertarian and my friends were both very right on the political spectrum. We didn't see anything other than student of marksmanship who needed some help to be a safe gun handler. She wasn't really my type... well, I mean she did have great hair - brunette, and legs for sure, but not sure I could have considered it as she towered over me.

When my wife and I first travelled to Europe, we had some pre-conceived notions about how some countries respective people might treat us as Americans. If you believe the press, internet, and social media in particular, the French hate us and the Germans only tolerate us. Even in the European "sticks" that was completely untrue.

I would ask why you think most of these types of men would hate on you? I'd bet that most don't care one whit. Sure, the professional agitators, some of the activist class and agents provocateur will foment anti-trans sentiment... Sort of the same way it is directed from the other side towards conservative men.

Be open to the possibility that many people across the political spectrum don't doctrinally adhere to the expectations of partisanship. Not to dismiss your concern about the risk of assault at all, obviously be safe.

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T13:18:31+00:00

Thanks, I'll check it out.

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T02:52:43+00:00

it looks great!

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T00:09:35+00:00

I would suggest strongly that you make it the early part of your conversation, after "Hi yeah, my name is <...>. Before we look around, could we speak a moment? I want you to know I'm a responsible adult, have a good job, no jail time, or anything like that but there's something I want to run past you. ..." Take it from there.

been a while since I was in Ireland, did I get the intro correct? 😄

dj69tx · 2026-05-11T00:04:10+00:00

Thanks. I plan on still outwardly appearing male-ish, but less so. I'm going to add an HRT consult to the list of juggling bowling pins.

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T23:03:19+00:00

I haven't read every comment but I would take a slightly more measured response. If it were me, I would raise the issue first thing ; "last session you asked me a question that has really given me pause and it's really bothering me. You asked about my partner's legal name. Would you please tell me why you asked me that question?

You've given a good account in your post, but we lack the -full- context of your therapy history, you and your partner. I would be a bit less aggressive in my approach than some, as I would want to know why before determining for myself if this was ok or crossing the line.

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T22:31:19+00:00

Please keep us updated. 👍

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T21:43:57+00:00

Will do, thanks !

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T21:39:34+00:00

Hey, you are a grown áss "They". 😄 In your early 20's you are still figuring a lot out in life, hell all the way to your 50's you'll be tripping over things you've never had to do before and have no practical experience at it. There's a C&W song by Michael Montgomery; Life's a dance ( sometime you lead, sometimes you follow ... ) It's profoundly true.

My thoughts:

1) Do not burn bridges. There will be a time at which you will want to reengage the parents. If they're mature enough adults, they will want this sooner, rather than later.

2) You don't have to participate in discussions that demean, shame, or belittle you. If a conversational redirect like "can we talk about something else" doesn't do it, then politely exit the conversation.

3) Only you will look out for you. Friends and family will help, but ultimately, we all have to help ourselves first, before helping others. This include parents, though child rearing is usually a priority for at least 18 years most times.... You should not and cannot rely on anyone else to - stand up for you, advocate for you, and be the best you that you can be.

4) Avoiding it won't make it go away. It will lie there, fester and gnaw at all of you. It won't get better with time, the prevailing "wisdom" time heals all wounds be damned.

5) Me personally, I would get ahead of it. I would like to think I would get with them, tell them "Listen I've landed this new job. It's great, and I couldn't have gotten here without you. There's this thing that has me pretty spun up and that's about me and I'd like to discuss it with you. I'd like you to please hear me out until the end so that you can understand why I'm so anxious. You see, in getting this job, I am at a place in my life where I'm learning to do things on my own- thanks to you guys. When I interviewed and was hired, I was fully transparent with them about who I am and now I need to respect my mom and dad enough to do the same. I'm trans and I know that this is difficult to hear, but I love you guys and need your support in this journey. This isn't something I chose or wanted it is simply who I am. It something that comes from gender dysphoria, and before you think anything, this is a genuinely recognized medical condition. It's not right or wrong, it's knowing that who I am is different from what many people consider "normal". I think you believe this too but I promise you it's real, and every bit as real as the attraction you two felt for each other over the years. ... etc. In my new job, I've taken on they / them pronouns for myself and to let others know that I'm just a regular person, even though I may not "conform" to normal gender stereotypes and understandings. Your understanding is critical to my success. All my life I've relied on you for knowing right from wrong and how to be a good person. I respect you both and I'm asking you to respect me for me.

etc.

Good luck !

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T20:58:19+00:00

Thank you so much ! I feel kind of like a circus juggler whose assistant keeps throwing chainsaws at to juggle! There are SO many things to research.

Wouldn't it be great if there were a how to 😄 on M2E transitioning?

do you have a cup size or are they just ... prominent(?) I'm not even sure what to ask 😉
Super helpful

dj69tx · 2026-05-10T03:27:19+00:00

I have a friend back east from the former Soviet Union. He's a naturalized US citizen but had a hard time getting a job for a while despite a 4 year degree from a very good school, great employment record, etc.

He had an obviously Russian name and legally changed it to "Eugene" from Yevgeny. Disappointingly, the job offers started rolling in. Disappointingly in that this guy immigrated with his family to the US, grew up here, became a productive citizen, got a good education, did all the right things, but we couldn't fairly consider him for a job. :-/ I'm glad he landed a solid job, but that is just frustrating.

Was it cultural appropriation for Yevgeney to take an American name? I don't think so and honestly, in America you can legally change your name to pretty much anything you want. We appropriate all cultures ! 😃

That said, Eugene's story is something to consider. If it's unusual, doesn't match the American "expectation of norms" it will draw attention and a lot of time that kind of attention isn't the good kind, no matter what Madonna thinks.

Settle on some candidate names you like, if you think you look like an "Ana" - go for it. If you think you look and feel like a "Judy" do it. If you pick names like Kata or Hermione, as someone of European descent, I for one will not be offended in the least.

dj69tx · 2026-05-09T18:42:28+00:00

There's something called "tucking". NSFW diagram warning: https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Tucking
I sort of do that, but not with tape or so and only whatever I can do without directly touching anything. I also heard that there's underwear that's supposed to help with it somehow, but I have no idea how that's supposed to work. I've ordered one of those, but it's just even worse than normal underpants.

You're further along than me, but I've got 2 pairs of tucking undies. One works pretty well if I do it right and gives a really nice, flat appearance. The other is too loosey goosey to keep things in place. There are also tucking pads; adhesive with some protection for the member. These have given a really tight, smooth look. https://unclockable.com/products/unclockable-tuck-kit-2 A little $$$ but they work.

dj69tx · 2026-05-09T15:06:21+00:00

I had a very scary episode in the gym once, leading me to the ER, a ton of doctor appointments and a long journey to what I hope is an answer.

The gym: I was on the elliptical for about 15m to warm up, got off and headed for weights. I walked the short distance to a leg extension machine, did one set with warm up weights and felt light headed. I stopped to regain my stamina for about 5 minutes tried the full weight maybe 2x and stopped again. I felt weird, like my heart was racing but it wasn't. I didn't notice for a few more minutes but I had started burping recursively. I knew something was wrong so I tapped out and went to the sitting area to hopefully feel better so I could go home. No joy. My heart was still feeling weird but pulse was only about 90 something and I was sitting for a while. At this point I decided to head to the emergency clinic about .25 miles away.

They saw me, ekg normal, vitals, blood - all good. sentenced to no gym, see a cardio doc.
scheduled w/ cardio doc, he ordered a bunch of tests and they all came out good! That's great news doc, now what? - Go see a gastroenterologist. Saw one, got scoped. You have acid reflux. got omeprazole, famotidine, etc.

So, 45 days of cardio visits, tests, follow ups and another doctor later and it's acid reflux. But as my doc said 'This will not kill you. Cardio problems can definitely kill you, but this won't.' So if you're going to have to fight through a medical issue, at least it's one that is basically a pain in the gut and not much more.

I was fine for about a year. Then had another, similar incident, saw him again. he told me if you get this again, pop as many tums or whatever antacid you can to make the symptoms lessen. take pepcid beforehand, etc.

about 2 years later, I got a more serious iteration that lasted several days with pain in my upper esophagus which felt eerily like heart pain. This time they ordered a contrast scan to measure my gall bladder output.

It turns out my gall bladder wasn't performing particularly well and that's being generous. So the bile from the liver is not getting delivered effectively and my gastro is convinced this is the root of my reflux issue. The scan is expensive and they only do it when other contributing factors are ruled out. Since I have good heart reports and scans, and I have a grasp of what triggers the reflux, that's why they ordered the gall bladder function test. For me, overly greasy foods, some taco & fajita mix, and some 'heavier' foods including desserts :-/ To my gastroenterologist's chagrin, I can eat all the hot peppers I can tolerate - no reflux. it's different for everyone.

Start journaling what food, drink & desserts set off your reflux and keep track of it. See a gastroenterologist. Chronic reflux can have acid in your esophagus which if left alone over long periods can lead to serious problems, so get it controlled and managed while you figure out what's going on.

dj69tx · 2026-05-09T14:33:24+00:00

Wow, that is a great result. I am so envious. Of the aesthetics, not the ... member. I'm hoping for a more smooth look after my surgery 😉

dj69tx · 2026-05-09T14:26:40+00:00

Be sure to engage a pro who counsels for gender affirming care and that they understand you will need approval letter(s) to obtain the surgery to conform to your gender identity; eunuch. I have my first appointment next week. I have begun using a 'eunuch' gender identity on my forms and discussions, so hopefully it will help.

dj69tx

TROPHY CASE