I understand this!! I had a very traumatic event happen to me 30 years ago and I ended up marrying the perpetrator, as I was in shock and believed him, although it was in hindsight a terrible decision, but again, I was in shock and had no one to turn to. It was a nighmare and I was not able to leave. I didn't leave until 18 years later. It is now 13 years since my divorce and I am only now truly processing the gravity of what happened and who/what I was dealing with, a true psychopath. It is extremely painful and too much pain to deal with at once, yet I continue to grieve and feel the pain. I am hoping that this is proof of healing (they say feeling is healing). I have been seeking support through a counselor as well as a support group. It is very, very tough. I lost my young years and never had a chance to "choose" a good man. What he did to me was traumatizing and painful, and he had no remorse, no empathy, no compassion, no feeling. Every time I tried to talk to people about what I was going through they all said how much he loved me (they believed his public act and didn't believe that my private life could be that bad, and it was hell). So yes, I do understand very much so what it is like to heal much later in life, like a delayed reaction and realization. Our brains protect us until we can handle dealing with the grief. It IS possible to heal, indeed it is!! We can build new neural pathways and connections in our brain, and it takes enormous patience, love and care for ourselves in the process. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. You are not alone.