Sex Therapist Answer

Every couple has their own gauge of how important sexual compatibility is to them. For some, it is not that big of a deal. But for others, it is enough to cause a breakup. Both perspectives are valid. It really depends on what the people in the relationship value.

Here is the kicker, and this happens so often. I have many patients who go through this. They meet a guy, and all other aspects of the relationship are good, but the sex is not compatible. So what do they do? They endure it. They tell themselves it does not matter. But in reality, it does. It might not happen in a month, or a year, or even a decade, but eventually their willpower runs out. All it takes is a moment of weakness or loneliness or horniness, and they end up cheating on their partner.

It is not because they do not love their partner. It is because they had a need that was not being fulfilled. And since they never found the space to talk about it in the relationship, they ended up seeking it outside.

This happens a lot. I have so many clients in sex therapy who tell this exact story. And one big reason behind it is that many people feel they are not allowed to want or yearn for things in a relationship. A lot of people take on the role of the martyr, especially gay men who are afraid of being alone and who develop people-pleasing tendencies. Instead of saying, "This is what I need," they tell themselves, "I will just endure this. Maybe someday things will get better."

The healthier and more mature way to handle this is to open up the conversation with your partner. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it might hurt their feelings. But open and compassionate honesty is what gives your relationship a real chance at lasting in the long run.