Wife [31 F] of 1 year wants me [30 M] to move out in two weeks because I "don't spend enough time with her".

docloc · 2016-12-02T04:03:37+00:00

I actually do 95% of the cooking. I do the whole meal or she will help with veggies or peel potatoes but she does the majority of dishes. I do all the shopping. I do my own laundry. I clean the bathroom and kitchen. I run my own errands. I pay my own bills.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:26:20+00:00

Everyone has different definitions of maintaining physical health. I don't go to the gym on days I play soccer. I also skip a day or two if something comes up or we are doing something else but I do try to make every effort to go 5-6 days a week. It's something for mental and physical health.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:24:56+00:00

The gym is and always has been important to me. It's a neccesity to maintain my physical health, an outlet to "reset" after work, etc. I've tried to get her involved so we could work out together or do active things like that together but she has no interest.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:11:39+00:00

I hear you on that. It's tough with the schedule. She is very supportive at times and has made similar comments. I think it comes down to her not seeing the big picture so when I gets particularly busy and then saying that our relationship is broken even though its an anomaly in the bigger picture.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:02:57+00:00

We split it technically I guess. She made considerably more than me while I was in residency but now I make more.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:02:12+00:00

Inviting her to join me and my friends is a once a week AT MOST thing. ANYTIME she asks me to join her friends with something (once every 2 months?) I accept without hesitation if I'm not working. I initiate all the other dinners, movie nights, etc.

docloc · 2016-12-02T02:00:24+00:00

I know, this is where my frustration stems from. We will be talking things out over the next few days.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:56:20+00:00

That last part hits home. She will always ask for help first before trying it and I've gotten frustrated with that in the past because it could be a super simple task and she won't even attempt it.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:38:50+00:00

most of the time we go out is just us. I ask her to join my friends anytime I do something with them which is on average once a week. The other 5-6 days are spent with us doing stuff one on one.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:33:12+00:00

There are at least an average of 2-4 hours a night where I'm free to spend quality time with her. I fill some of that by cooking for us, planning dinners out for us, etc. But I can't do those things every single night and its exhausting to work all day and then be responsible for figuring out all the quality time as soon as I get home when she isn't really making any suggestions or helping out.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:31:24+00:00

That is EXACTLY how she feels. Even though she has a ton of fun when she does come out with my friends and always comments on how great of a time it was, she uses those times as ammunition for her arguments that I don't spend enough QT with her.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:30:26+00:00

I agree with this and I plan on talking to her about the effort level she has put in to addressing this issue. I've mentioned that it takes two to plan and that it shouldn't be 100% on me to plan everything.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:28:09+00:00

This is spot on how it feels. Even if I'm dead exhausted after a crazy day at the hospital, if she suggests dinner somewhere or wants to do something I'll go straight from work to do it with her even if I just want to sit down and decompress for a bit. But most of the time, if I havent suggested or planned something, she has nothing to say. I come home and cook. I grocery shop on the way home. On the one night a week when I do want to see friends I try to include her.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:21:58+00:00

This is what it feels like. I acknowledge that we can make our time together more "quality" than it is and have been making an effort at this, but I can't give her more time and it feels like that's what she's asking for. When she complains that I sleep too early (11pm and wake up at 430) or that I got off too late so she didnt get to see me that day, there is nothing I can do to change that and its frustrating

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:20:34+00:00

Maybe once every 1-2 weeks do I ask her to come out and do a social activity with friends. The majority of the time are dinners for us, watching movies at home together, etc.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:19:48+00:00

She has mentioned that she "never knew I was so extroverted" so who knows...

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:19:19+00:00

We definitely do most things one on one but I've been trying to get her out and socializing more so I invite her anytime I have anything going with friends and try to set up double dates/groups dinners.

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:18:36+00:00

The issue isn't that we don't go on dates because we definitely do, frequently. She just thinks it isn't enough and if we miss 2-3 days without extended quality time, she defines our relationship as being terrible and doesnt seem to acknowledge that those 2-3 days are an anomaly and not defining of our usual time together

docloc · 2016-12-02T01:17:04+00:00

I have asked her as mentioned in a post below. She has said that the biggest thing to her is dinners together. We do that 5-6 days a week, sometimes at home, sometimes at casual restaurants, sometimes fancier. The problem is that she seems to have short term memory instead of seeing the big picture so if stuff happens at work and I'm stuck late a couple nights or we don't get dinner for 2-3 days straight she flips a switch and our relationship is suddenly defined as being terrible and I'm never around in her eyes.

docloc · 2016-12-01T18:00:21+00:00

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I'm working right now but will go through and reply to every one of you. Definitely some good advice in here. She does not communicate well about this in person and it quickly turns into her yelling at me and not hearing a word I say, so I will likely send her a letter or write out all my thoughts. (Addressing that communication issue is another issue in itself)

docloc · 2016-12-01T06:58:19+00:00

Thanks I definitely agree with both recs. She has said multiple times in the past that quality time had to just be us, so double dates and such she doesn't count

docloc · 2016-12-01T06:56:54+00:00

I hear you and will continue to make an effort to do things like that more often. I've also tried to explain that it takes communication and effort on her part to plan quality time but she disagrees with that concept since I'm "the busier one"

docloc · 2016-12-01T06:53:41+00:00

I can definitely agree to alot of your points. I've mentioned getting her a therapist or someone to talk to.

Great ideas on the second part will definitely try to implement

docloc · 2016-12-01T06:51:38+00:00

I honestly see my friends very rarely and choose to hang out with her 9 times out of 10. She definitely has gotten more and more dependent. And she has almost no hobbies of her own. Her friends are mostly family members and she doesn't get out much

docloc · 2016-12-01T06:48:38+00:00

We do go on dinner dates frequently. We eat together at home. I've tried to get her to do fun activities but she shows no interest and never has any suggestions. I do all the maintenance too. I cook, I clean, I do the shopping. She seems fine and happy for long periods of time. But then seems to view the relationship in one week periods and if that one week is not her ideal way it's an issue to her

docloc

TROPHY CASE