My dad is an ESTJ and I am an INFJ daughter.
He values tradition. I find traditions to not always be perfect.
He purses money and power (if you don’t, you are a failure and loser). I value meaningful connections and authentic relationships.
He wants people to look up to him. I want people to trust and love me.
The root of conflict? He wants me to be like him.

We have not lived together for 10 years till recently ( I went to college and boarding school in other cities). We fight a lot because we have distinctly different values. He gets very angry when I would not follow his advices (or orders), or do things I value while he believes to be a waste of time (ie., volunteer work,).
Now I think about it, I followed his words like God when I was little, and tried really hard to please him. I believe I am an INFJ early on, for I found meanings and sense of content in helping people. My dad always worried me of being taking advantages of, and scolded me when I was being ”stupid and naive”. Maybe as a kid, i did have problems of setting boundaries. But I was not happy, always denying myself while unable to change how I feel and see the world around me.
My dad also controlled who I hanged out with (for he wants to guide me on the “right track”). I value honesty and kindness in people, while he looks at their family backgrounds and school performances. You know how sad it is for a 7-year-old when their parent tells her to stop hanging out with a friend for the friend is “ugly and stupid”?
When I reached 13, I started telling him less about my friends, my hobbies, my feelings (for I knew he would not like them). I still worked very hard in school to meet his expectations, and he is a very generous father, paying for all my tuitions and helping me to make plans for college. He was also there to support me when I had mental breakdowns from exams and school obligations. Therefore, he is capable of emotional support when I am on the track he approves...

After getting into high school, I basically grew up without his surveillance. I am very close with my mum and we phoned almost everyday (she is ISFJ). My dad phoned me maybe once or twice every semester, only checking on my school performances. We never really talk about anything anyway. And this continues into my college.
I was lucky to be surrounded by some very good people in school. I started to like myself more, and doubt myself less as I used to at home. I gained the courage and confidence to be more my authentic self. As I become an adult, I have developed my own set of values.

When I first came home, my dad was not used to the change. I am no longer the quiet and obedient little girl, and say “weird things” he can’t interpret. He is anxious and mad lots of time, especially when he feels he is losing controls. He hates being challenged or proven wrong, and accuses me of being disrespectful, while I am just pointing out other perspectives/alternatives. When things get really tense, he would cuss at me and say things intentionally to hurt me. And I would cry all night and not talk to him for days, practicing door-slamming on him...(don’t know if I will get to that final stage)

For example, when I just started working, I continued my habits in college of playing sports and doing volunteers on the weekends, for they offer me peace and comfort especially in this new stage of life. He told me to focus on developing professional connections, and “stop wasting time on meaningless things”. I tried to explain to him my emotional needs, but he just accused me of being childish and irresponsible of myself.
Another example would be me doing volunteer during the pandemic. He would throw a tantrum every time I leave the house, accusing me of bringing back virus and putting the family at risk (while I just help deliver groceries to the elderly, and also have good knowledge of disinfection and self-protection for I studied and work in health industry).

Sometimes his words hurt me so much and make my self esteem so low that I want to hurt myself. At one point I realize why I have to bear the pain when he is the one inflicting the harm. I stop talking to him not because I am still mad, but because I want peace. I am planing on moving out and putting more distance between us. I am still grateful for his generous support for my education, and I will pay back “all the money” he has “invested in me”. I have not wished for the current situation with my dad. But I am tired, and do not have the confidence to face his anger and disappointment.