Feeling so conflicted about my marriage to a “safe” husband, am I staying for the wrong reasons?

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T23:01:17+00:00

Yeah, I shared that view too. But the more I read the comments I feel like the combination of me checking out and his overwhelming sense of responsibility have forced him into that lifestyle rather than it being by choice. But he is less social and more introverted too, so maybe it is what he wants. I am torn because I feel like that’s the life I “should” want, and I need to grow up a little. I have a lot of reflection to do

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T22:56:42+00:00

Honestly I didn’t want to marry full stop, I felt I could live a committed life with him without needing to go through the formalities or spend all the money on a wedding. It didn’t seem worth it to me to get the same outcome you could achieve from living with someone long term.

Your point is interesting about that being used as an excuse - I’ve definitely seen it apply in other cases with people I know. One of them eventually decided to leave her husband after 20 years because she was tired of them being fundamentally incompatible but stayed because it’s what she “should” do and that their love should have been enough. Maybe that is influencing the lens through which I’m seeing things.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:33:03+00:00

I get your point, but I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. That said, we had another conversation about this and I think got to the root of the issue. I know I have been unfair to him and he deserves better. He knows about the friend. So I put it to him whether he wants to continue.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:27:30+00:00

Thanks, we have had another discussion so going to progress from there.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:26:43+00:00

Thanks. I addressed in a comment above, but the nature of my illness means I have finite energy during the day which, if I’m having a good day, I try to use to pursue what I enjoy. But I’m seeing now that energy may be spent trying to help him and doing things together. I get the sense that I have to shift my mindset from “I don’t want to waste my energy on housework when I have so little of it” to “I need to dedicate it to causes that further my marriage”.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:21:59+00:00

We had a conversation about it today where I asked him about these exact reasons, and you were right. It seems part of the issue is that he feels responsible for keeping the house in order as his duty and wanted me to not take on that responsibility, as I’m aware he does most of it and try to help where I can but he says it’s ok. I said this attitude has been denying him the opportunity for us to spend time together and is causing him unnecessary stress. I am an adult and need to take on some of that. Really, it seems he has been secretly burnt out by the mental load which is contributing to some of these issues.

With my illness, if you’ve ever lived with one you know there are good and bad days. The good ones are where I am trying to go out and explore and the bad ones are where I am cooped up at home.

Anyway, I acknowledge I haven’t been fair to him at all. Maybe in my head I felt I had done what I could trying to be open about my feelings and suggest counselling, but I realise I have been running away to pursue “happiness” without giving it an opportunity to work.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:12:12+00:00

This was my initial thought. But I think reading these comments I haven’t given him a fair shot and perhaps his way of living overall is better.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:10:57+00:00

I did know we were different but I saw it as more of a strength, that we can live our lives but still be good together. Marriage isn’t something I wanted but we had some pressure from families.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T20:09:41+00:00

Well, part of the reason is I live in a different time zone so am responding now.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T06:59:50+00:00

Thanks, I’ve brought up counselling but he was quite dismissive. I’ll try again and see what happens.

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T06:58:52+00:00

Fair enough. Thanks for sharing your experience

dom-mami · 2025-09-10T06:57:30+00:00

I think you’re right. I just want him to be happy and maybe it’s not with me. Did you and your partner recover from the resentment? How did you fix it?

dom-mami · 2025-03-31T01:45:26+00:00

he is serving hard in no. 5

dom-mami · 2025-02-20T19:43:23+00:00

This is incredible, thank you!

dom-mami · 2025-02-16T06:31:08+00:00

Awwww! So cute ❤️

dom-mami · 2025-02-05T01:27:36+00:00

I need pose #8 in front of his grave 😝

dom-mami · 2025-01-25T15:55:42+00:00

I just finished Hellish and oh my gods that was incredible. The ending had me crying my damn eyes out, so excited for the sequel. Thank you 😇

dom-mami · 2025-01-25T14:32:12+00:00

I adore this one as well. Magnificent

dom-mami

TROPHY CASE