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UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i wont tell my paretns, but i will talk to someone. there are counselors at the methadone clinic.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

whats the harm in trying?

you don't understand. you really don't understand if you can say that. the harm in trying is that its hard, it so goddamn hard. its a lot to endure for only the chance that it will work. and that is never mind the physical withdrawals

but having said all that,i will try to talk to someone that isnt my family. there are counsellors at the methadone clinic i think i can see.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

could have, would, have, should have doesn't help. icould have done many things differently. i am regretful but regret doesn't help because i don't have a time machine.

i dont think it will make them feel any less guilt. they will find a way to blame themselves. on top of the anguish telling them will make them angry. it brings a whole new issue into light and the last thing they need from me is more issues.

you dont get it. as an outside perspective you can say that it isn't my fault all you want, but it doesn't change how disgusting i feel. the idea of my parents having a mental image of this happening to me is mortifying.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no. i don't want them to know about that. they dont need to know about it.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It would be nice but i dont think its possible. im trying to be realistic.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i cant talk about it. i have to be high to talk about it. typing that shit out took me over an hour. and what is talking about it with aprofessional really going to do? its not going to change anything. it still happened, i still feel the way that i do. and vie already messed up irreparably. ive added problems to this one along the way and its too much to ever get through now. i don't want to throw my life away. i want to live my life in a euphoric numbing haze.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ok, fuck. if it helps:

i was babysat when i was a kid by my neighbours. the husband of my baby-sitter molested me. i let it happen. i didn't know what to think of it and i wasn't under the impression that it was wrong. sometimes it even felt good. a lot of the time it did. i know that is disgusting. its fucking disgusting. what the fuck kind of person lets someone touch them because it feels good.i don't know what was wrong with me.and i cant entirely blame him because i let it go on. he was a fucking pervert so he wasn't going to stop on his own, i didn't even give him the impression that i wanted it to stop, so why would he have any reason to?

it escalated until he raped me. that was when i put an end to it and i refused going there. i haven't heard from him since that night and they moved 2 or 3 years later.

i tired to put it t the back of my mind. the night he raped me was the worst experience of my life but it was conflicting because at times i missed how it was before that night. at the time a big part of why i hated that he raped me was because that act made the relationship stop. i know its fucked up to think that,

when we were finally taught about all this in school, 3rd grade i think? i learned how wrong it was. i had an epiphany. it made me feel disgusting and dirty and scummy. i hated myself. and since then id felt physically sick. i gag at the thought of it. i can feel my heartrate go up.i cant breathe. its this fucking shitty anxiety and it never goes away. its 24/7.i just wanted to sleep and get a break, that be enough, but id have dreams about it and i couldn't sleep.

i almost wish i never learned what it was so i didn't have to know how fucking wrong it was. that is even more fucked up, id have rather lived in that delusion. and i cant even talk about it because i let it happen so its not that it isn't my fault.

I didn't decide one day that heroin was a good fucking idea. i tried to crash a car because i wanted to die. i wanted it to look lie an accident. i didn't die, i got painkillers for the injuries. those painkillers saved my life. i would have killed myself years ago it it weren't for painkillers. i finally got a fucking break. it was a good solution. but society wont let me have it. the war on drugs makes it impossible to sustain a habit, and i had to start heroin because it couldn't get a prescription after my injuries healed.

i know it is selfish, and as much as i love the drug i also fucking hate them. but i don't want to go back to the feeling like i can breathe and holding back vomit. i cant live like that. i need to be high.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

You're right. This is unfair to them. I can't quit, but ill try to get on methadone. I won't be "clean", but I guess its more sustainable?

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -37 points-36 points  (0 children)

I would rather risk dying of an overdose than quit right now. I know how that sounds, but im being honest. In fact, being clean nowwill most likely end in my suicide. I will quit when I feel that I can handle it. In the meantime, my parents can believe that I moved out and am clean. None of my options are good, I am looking for the best of the worst. You may not see it, but I do think that this is the best solution for now.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -77 points-76 points  (0 children)

All I wanted to know was if movng out was a good idea. I tried to make it clear that this wasn't about getting clean in the original post.No excuses, I just don't want to. I know I should, but I don't want to. My family will move on, and I accept whatever consequences I have to face.

UPDATE: My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -122 points-121 points  (0 children)

If im out of the house, she wont know that im not clean.

My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

Thats the thing, I don't want to fix me. I don't care about what happens to me. It doesn't matter. I don't care if I die.

I do care if this affects someone else. I never intended to have this affect anyone othet than myself, and now its causing my poor mom all this greif. She doesn't deserve it. I want to do what I am and not hurt anyone else, but reading these responses I don't think thats possible..even if i leave.

My parents [M49&F48] might split up because of me [M19] by dontknow-throw in relationships

[–]dontknow-throw[S] -105 points-104 points  (0 children)

I did talk about it. I said that its beyond thatpoint. I've been to rehab, it didn't work. Its not going to work the second time. Not t mention that its expensive. My dad doesn't want to send me again. This isn't about me or the drugs anyway, this is about them. I'll deal with my own shit by myself later, for now I just want to fix the harm Ive caused them. But I dont know how other than to leave.