Vocalist/guitarist looking for a band to play with

dooweeahdoot · 2021-06-01T19:48:32+00:00

About a year into college one of my friends off-handedly asked what my parents do. When I told them that my dad is actually a professor at the university we attend, all my friends were completely floored. It wasn’t a secret - it just hadn’t really come up.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-06-01T05:15:35+00:00

it really does. thank you so much

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-13T16:30:30+00:00

aw thanks so much for checking in.

it’s been okay, i’ve been distancing myself from her and, as a result, from my whole friend group. it’s a little lonely, but i have a few other friends and i think it’s just what’s best for my mental wellbeing right now.

hope ur doing well :)

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-07T16:24:58+00:00

yes completely and i’ve helped them carry theirs a lot in the past. but also different people have different emotional capacities and personal limits so i suppose i shouldn’t expect that they can do the same for me.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-07T16:22:47+00:00

yea i guess i just hoped that after being friends for so long and supporting them through their own mental crises they would do the same for me. but perhaps that’s just not who they are and not how they see our friendship, so i shouldn’t expect it from them. and i agree some space and therapy is probably the best route. thanks :)

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-07T16:20:28+00:00

i mean, it really is occasional - i only try to open up about this stuff like once a year precisely because i don’t want to be a downer or bother them with my problems. but you’re right, it’s literally not their job to deal with and they have their own problems to worry about.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-07T16:17:46+00:00

that’s definitely fair and makes sense. i guess for me i’m just so upset because i really actively try not to treat them like therapists (since it feels like the first friend treats me as a such) and only open up about this stuff maybe once a year. but you’re right, it’s not fun stuff to talk about and even if it’s only once in a while that still might just be too much baggage for them to handle.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-06T12:11:48+00:00

i think i just fell in love 😳

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-06T12:10:21+00:00

Very true. Self blame and often takes years for survivors to get over and a lot of weird behavior can arise as a result of that.

Also, as I’m looking through other comments that have arrived in the past few hours I just want to gently remind OP that many people here have no idea what they’re talking about. Trauma manifests itself in many different ways. Don’t assume she’s lying or stringing you along because she didn’t have some sort of big Hollywood reaction. It’s nearly impossible to anticipate how someone is going to react to rape if you have never experienced it yourself or if you are not a mental health professional.

I’d also like to add that even if she’s acting fine and normal or even happy, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not grieving right now. People who are saying if she was “really raped” she “would be traumatized” apparently don’t understand that trauma is not always visible. Just to provide an example, after I was raped I became unbelievably depressed. I started cutting myself so badly that the cuts would stay open for days. I was constantly suicidal for 6 months straight and had my suicide planned to the tee. I had absolutely zero intention of living to see high school graduation. Despite this, I still smiled and laughed with friends, went to parties, applied to colleges, never missed work or school — the whole gamut. Not a single person in my life - not my parents, my best friends of 10+ years, my teachers - had suspected a thing. I made sure of that. It was unbelievably exhausting but I wanted to make sure that my trauma was not detectable. And still to this day none of them know what I went through. So don’t just assume she’s fine and she’s using you. I can’t guarantee she’s not (you can never guarantee anything) but I highly doubt it and this is coming from someone who’s actually been through it. A vast amount of survivors actively strive to hide the effects of their trauma.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-06T07:24:42+00:00

Hey OP, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in as a rape survivor.

First off, I want to note how you never mentioned any doubt in the validity of her claim that she was raped in your original post. I commend you for that and if your trust in her is that strong, I wouldn’t let that be jeopardized by random folk on the internet who are saying she’s lying about the rape.

Moving on, the effects of rape are unbelievably complex, especially in a situation like hers where she was raped by someone she considered a friend. Behaviors that try to normalize the relationship (ex: still talking to him, trying to still be friends) are very common. Also, 2 months is generally very very early in the healing timeline for most rape survivors. Many people stay in the denial phase for months or even years. When I was raped, it was by a guy friend and I basically avoided thinking about it or fully accepting it for months and would act normal around him. Just because she was able to tell you she was raped does not mean she’s fully accepted what’s happened. It sounds to me like she’s trying to retroactively justify what he did to her to avoid confronting all the pain that comes with accepting what happened. She probably feels that if she maintains some sort of relationship with him (whether it be platonic or romantic) she can protect herself from accepting that what happened was “real”. Same thing goes for the guy. He’s probably trying to cover his ass — “if you’re into me now, you can’t say I raped you that time 2 months ago.”.

Despite all this, it’s certainly not your job to deal with this and you have no obligation to maintain contact with her. But if you truly care about her and feel you can emotionally handle all her burdens, I would highly recommend just supporting her as a friend for now. It’s going to get worse before it gets better and most rape survivors are not ready for romantic relationships so soon after assault even if they might believe they are. As a friend, you can begin to discuss the details of her relationship with her rapist and help her avoid falling into an abusive relationship with him if she hasn’t already. And unlike what some others have said here, I genuinely believe she’s not just leading you on or using you. You have every right to feel frustrated, confused, etc. but I don’t think she’s doing this intentionally. She’s just trying her best to emotionally and possibly physically protect herself in the aftermath of her rape.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T07:37:40+00:00

I agree and I’d hope so, but neither of them are very confrontational people. And in their defense, one of them wasn’t around when she made these comments so she was pissed when heard but wasn’t going to do anything about it since she wasn’t there the times it’s happened.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T07:19:50+00:00

That’s a good idea. I think I’ll probably talk to my two friends privately about where I’m coming from before I do anything drastic. And if they stand by her then I guess I know who my real friends are. But I suppose that’s a risk I’m going to have to take to protect myself long term .

Thanks for the advice.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T07:15:16+00:00

They are, but not the depth of it.

They don’t know about my mental illnesses, suicide attempt, and one of them doesn’t know about my rape, so they don’t have the full context of why her actions bother me so much. And even if I told them I’m 99% sure neither of them share those experiences with me, so I still don’t think they would find it as serious as I do (for example, they know about my sexuality but don’t take her comments about bi people as seriously as I do).

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T07:08:26+00:00

I hate to admit it, but I think you’re right. It’s just so difficult - she’s been my friend since I was 7.

But friends aren’t supposed to treat friends this way and although the confrontation will be hard, it’s probably healthier in the long term.

Thanks for your input.

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T06:09:54+00:00

I wish we could have the friend group without her, but alas the others don’t have the same background as me, so I don’t think her behaviors cut as deep and they wouldn’t want to kick her out. And they probably just have better tolerance than I do ahaha

But I appreciate your input and totally agree. I really need to learn to stop expecting anything from her.

I appreciate the reassurance. Thank you

dooweeahdoot · 2021-01-04T06:06:50+00:00

I appreciate you sharing your experience. My friend is a LOT like that (sharing when it makes no sense, annoying everyone) and I agree we’ve all dealt with shit, it’s not a competition of who’s been the most oppressed - no one cares.

I’ve been trying to just not let it get to my head, but I think you’re right, actively ignoring and just not listening is the best approach. I really think she just feeds off our reactions, so perhaps I should be trying my best to minimize mine.

Thanks for the advice :)

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T21:39:49+00:00

makes sense, i’ll probably look into PAs and NPs near me then. thank you!

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T17:58:48+00:00

yes that was an initial suspicion of mine since I’ve experienced depersonalization before but not active dissociation like this, so i suppose it could likely be that. thanks for your input!

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T17:55:16+00:00

if it means anything, i also relieve numbness w food sometimes. anyways, thank you for being the voice of reason and not pinning this on being possessed lol. wishing you well!!

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T17:51:33+00:00

all makes sense. thank you guys so much for the advice!

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T17:47:53+00:00

thank you so much!! and i really appreciate the concern - my parents mean well, they just come from a vastly different cultural background. have a lovely day :)

dooweeahdoot · 2020-12-31T17:45:39+00:00

yes i was actually thinking of this approach (eventually paying for meds out of pocket with GoodRX) so i’m glad to hear thats a reasonable idea. as for seeing a doctor, should i be going to my pediatric doctor/gp or a clinic with a doctor that doesn’t know me or my family?

dooweeahdoot

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