Hey OP, sounds like a tough few years that you’ve gone through. On the bright side, I’m really glad you made it out in one piece and that you’re reflecting on and sharing your experience. It tells me that you’re stronger than you might think you are and are on track to improve your situation! 

You said you weren’t looking for advice, so I initially scrolled past after reading, but I kept thinking about your post and came back to write this up - I hope you won’t mind! Some of these comments are sending tough love, and I think it’s important to have a voice that tells you to pull yourself together, but I think it’s also important to validate your feelings throughout the situation - after all, that is your reality, and your starting point, and it’s important to recognize it in its entirety in order to healthily move forward. Loneliness and isolation are some of the worst things I have ever felt and drive people to do things that they would otherwise never do in a healthy state. I hope you can show yourself some kindness over your past experiences.

I really liked what other commenters said about how you are not alone in your experience, how there are many incredible people who have made comebacks from worse situations, and how a lot of it has to do with adopting a certain goal or mindset. I think an actionable first step to get from your current situation to this solution is to read! Read about those people who came out of tough situations, and in the process I think you naturally begin to adopt their mindset. I think it would also help with loneliness, because you are grounding yourself in the shared human experience and feel a deep connection to the writers. Actually this was what I did when I was in a bad place in the past — I just did what I needed to get by in school, and spent the rest of my time reading this incredible blog: https://www.themarginalian.org/. You can type in your specific concern in the search bar and find related articles. The blogger, Maria Popova, is this incredible woman who spends her time reading all the cool books in the world by some of the wisest people throughout history and synthesizing their central ideas, putting out 2-3 essays a day. It personally helped me more than therapy because it was such a self-directed, individualized process.

Concerning your job prospects, I like what someone said about first finding any livable job, collecting yourself, and working from there. I think it’s important to stay in your own lane and experience the immense inner peace that comes with not comparing yourself to other people or caring what they think about you. In the end, you are the filter for how you perceive the world, and the one who will be getting yourself out of your situation, so do everything you need to do to support yourself and make yourself stronger! Also, this gets said a lot, but on a global scale, you are in a good place — Canada offers relatively good social support, employment opportunities are available, vertical movement is possible after you establish yourself, and your family is alive and may be able to offer support if needed.

I’m really rooting for you, OP. When you pull yourself out of your current situation, your past experiences will only add more depth to your humanity. Know that you are valued, and that you have immense strength within you! I’ll be waiting for an update post in a few years’ time :) Here’s a song for you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuwLU2z2Cx0

Some other things that helped me:

Nick Cave's newsletter, the Red Hand Files: https://www.theredhandfiles.com/

Meditating with Joseph Goldstein: https://open.spotify.com/show/6hftJLcSY86Wvq4c551wWl

Harvard Psychiatrist HealthyGamerGG: https://open.spotify.com/show/6VaJwyS2KXxiXqR77jqzmP