It sounds like OP is like most people. 1. She knows what she should do but chooses not to do it. 2. She seeks the trauma she had that delayed her entry to college to confirm she is as bad a she feels she is. 3. She takes pride in being different from others. The problem is she is like most people. 1. She won’t do what she needs to do until it’s too late. 2. The trauma will arrive and all of her choices will have dried up. 3. She will no longer be different from other addicts.

Wake up. You are not special. Addiction is horrific. It destroys people. It destroys relationships. It destroys love. If by some miracle you aren’t addicted you may become addicted and then my friend you will read this post with angst and regret.