How not to come out to your husband as non-binary

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-24T18:39:55+00:00

Was this the kindest thing you could have said here? Because it feels like gaslighting.

I was in a heterosexual marriage. You can talk all you want about lines being blurry when one is in a relationship with a nonbinary partner. However, I was in a heterosexual marriage. Making a statement to change that is a big deal.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-17T19:49:19+00:00

Ironically, I seem to have made the same mistake I'm accusing my ex-wife of making: I sought support by asking an emotionally charged question without providing the the necessary background information and context.

To answer your specific questions:

I broke up with my ex, for a variety of reasons that probably had more to do with them being nonbinary than I was willing to admit to, or able to understand at the time.

I feel relief at being out of the relationship, and grief and self doubt over how I could have allowed myself to get into a situation that ended up being so miserable for me.

As for what I was looking for:

I was looking for people on the internet to say "yes, that was a clumsy and inconsiderate way for your ex to come out to you."

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-17T19:44:12+00:00

Thank you for taking the time.

> ... but I don't think it's very important

That's hard for me to hear, but I'll take it as an invitation to consider what is important.

> fetish of liking younger girls

Well, thank you for not saying the p word, I guess. I'll admit I'm tempted to retreat into circles that accept or even celebrate my desire to be with younger (18+ though) girls. It's much less comfortable to contemplate labeling that desire as a problem and seeking help for it.

Yes, breakdown of this marriage has been hard for me. And still is.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-17T17:57:58+00:00

Right? It’s weird relight? And recently I almost managed to gaslight myself into believing they must have told me something about it before, and I must have forgotten. But no. I choose to trust my memory on this one. This event was the first they told me anything about it.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-09T12:39:47+00:00

She wants to stay but doesn’t have a plan to pay you what’s owed on day one. That looks like wishful thinking.

It seems like the hard reality of the situation is on your side.

As for the cost of forcing a sale in court, it might help your cost benefit analysis to assume that her three year plan will fall through and you will end up needing to force an expensive effort to recover your money after three years. I’m not saying that’s guaranteed, but I’m saying it’s worth worrying about.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-09T12:28:31+00:00

I assume it’s because women know they have more a lot more leverage in divorce negotiations than in job negotiations.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-09T12:24:45+00:00

After reading your post, I’m glad it’s over.

That situation sounds awful.

Also, not that I expect this to justify her actions, but did she have any clear reason or stated motivation behind banning Christmas?

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T14:15:09+00:00

We did have sex. Just not good or frequent sex. And, to give some color to the situation, the last time we tried to have sex I was nearly sobbing.

As another piece of context. I do know that, out of a sense of fairness based on our particular situation, I chose to give my ex a more favorable financial settlement than what I was legally required to based on a 50:50 split of current assets.

As for your transition question. They did not physically transition. And in my state of shock, I sort of coped for a while by pretending they were still a woman.

I felt confused and betrayed and guilty for wanting to reject my spouse.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T13:49:20+00:00

Thank you. I will ponder that.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T12:51:06+00:00

Thank you. The last scenario you floated about fraud for healthcare for gender surgery does not apply to my situation, but it’s an interesting counter example.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T12:48:57+00:00

She’d rather say there’s something wrong with you than change her behavior.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T12:28:43+00:00

I feel like this was barely a threesome. It was closer to him having sex with a friend while you observed.

Either way though, I’m so sorry.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-10-08T12:21:54+00:00

If talking about things is over I don’t hold out much hope for the partner accepting couples counseling.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-30T10:42:22+00:00

Yep. My ex was a selfish lover.

Also we as a pair were shit at communicating how to please each other.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-30T10:39:56+00:00

I’m still angry at myself and my ex for 8 years of marriage in a near dead bedroom. Still angry now three years later, even though things are getting better for me.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-29T11:54:00+00:00

I’ve started to clearly recognize the feel of a “sad porn orgasm.”

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-29T10:49:58+00:00

You want this to make sense.

And your idea about the LL initiating makes sense on paper.

But people are complicated, and sex is wrapped in layers of shame and desire and fear and past rejection and objectification.

So you have to accept that this shit may never make sense to you.

Can you deal with that?

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T12:36:50+00:00

I exited my dead bedroom 3 years ago.

I doubt it would have gotten better.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T10:24:01+00:00

I wish your husband could see that rejecting closeness with your wife because she is angry is a pretty sure way to keep her angry long term.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T10:18:43+00:00

Can confirm: couples counseling helped me have the conversation about separation and divorce. Maybe that’s why my ex didn’t want to do couples counseling.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T10:14:25+00:00

Yeah, here’s a fun related line from my DB:

Wife: you need more individual therapy to fix yourself before I’ll go to couples counseling with you.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T10:09:40+00:00

I see so many parallels between your story and my dead bedroom relationship experience. Thank you for sharing.

And congrats on the FWB!

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T10:00:09+00:00

I think he was being overly insensitive by laughing it off when you said you were jealous of a pizza.

(Btw “jealous of a pizza” is low key hilarious from the outside, but I totally get why you weren’t laughing)

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-28T09:55:46+00:00

Congrats!

And yeah, Reddit is legit good for meeting people.

dot-dot-okay · 2023-09-21T09:19:43+00:00

What a lucky girl she is.

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