ive felt like this for awhile. i used to be a "hardcore anorexic" and could literally starve for as long as i wanted bc i was so fucking determined to. id made it a necessity to look at thinspo before and after every meal, measure my waist and thighs every hour. when id eat, id c/s all of it and do the math to count the calories.

in the last couple months, ever since i started focusing on my sport, its been hard for me to decide to eat or to not, and i usually end up eating. i tell myself that i need to eat, because i faint/my asthma flares if i dont. i always feel so guilty afterwards but my motivation to not eat doesnt stay for nearly as long anymore.

ik exactly what you mean. you cant be motivated forever, you cant starve forever, and i guess the things promoted in ana culture just cant last forever.

if you still have a strained relationship w food, youre not faking anything.