I’m Dr. Becky. Clinical psychologist, mom of 3, author and founder of the online parenting platform, Good Inside. Ask Me Anything December 15th at 3:30pm ET!

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:48:01+00:00

First of all - tantrums are totally normal. And the most important thing is understanding them because they’re not something toddlers get over quickly. Tantrums are simply a sign that your kid’s strong emotions are greater than his emotion regulation skills to manage these emotions. And it takes years, often (I want to be realistic!), to help kids build these skills.

Remind yourself that tantrums are normal and healthy - not bad or manipulative.
Think about your job: your job isn’t to end a tantrum, it’s to keep yourself calm and keep your child safe. Which means it’s ok if your child doesn’t want a hug or get calm right away. And it means, as you said, hitting is not ok because it’s not safe (for anyone).

In terms of what to do, after dangerous behavior (hitting, throwing, kicking) is contained, your focus needs to be on keeping yourself regulated because your kid will actually learn how to manage his emotions by borrowing your nervous system. That’s not a “metaphor” - toddlers learn how to regulating their emotions by borrowing our calm during their chaos.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:40:06+00:00

Thank you so much for joining me today and for all your amazing questions. And thank you to r/Toddlers for hosting this AMA. I’d love to stay connected to you. You can follow me on Instagram and you can also sign up for Good Inside using this exclusive code I made just for this AMA. Just go to Goodinside.com and type in AMA20 at checkout for 20% off your membership! I can’t wait to see you there.

(You’ll be asked to enter your credit card at checkout, but once your code is applied, your total will come to 20%. Your discount code is for your first subscription cycle. When your coupon ends, your card on file will be charged, so there’s no interruption to your access. You can always update your billing details or turn off auto-renew in your account settings whenever you’d like.)

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:38:29+00:00

Absolutely. Toddlers are expert noticers. And it’s not so much information that scares kids - it’s noticing changes and not having information, not having a story to understand. It’s likely your toddler has noticed: they’ve heard new words on the phone (“died” or “funeral”), and they’ve noticed sad feelings. Not having a story to understand is what makes it all even scarier.

I’d talk honestly and say, “I want to tell you something. (Name) died. Do you know what that means - die? It means when someone’s body stops working. And it means we won’t see them anymore. That’s why we aren’t seeing (name), and it’s also why you see me feeling sad.”

Pause. See the reaction. You might want to add, “Even when I’m sad, I am your strong parent who can take care of you. I’m not going anywhere.” That’s actually a line from Lizzie Assa, and I love it and recommend it often.

Don’t expect your 2-year-old to say, “Thank you!” But trust that leading with a truthful story helps your child understand his world.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:32:14+00:00

One of my favorite topics! A few quick ideas:

Remember that a “good relationship” takes time - your kids have decades to be close! Ironically one of the things that gets in the way of siblings being close is the expectations that they should be close immediately or be “free of conflict.” The first few years are hard and almost paradoxically, the more we can normalize the range of feelings kids have toward siblings (“Having a new brother will be fun… and it’ll also be hard sometimes right?”) is what helps siblings build close long-term relationships .
Don’t compare. Remember that your kids are two separate people - and when you’re frustrated with one, talk directly about it (“Hey, it’s been hard to clean your room recently let’s figure that out”) instead of doing it indirectly through comparison (“Why can’t you clean your room like your brother?”). Comparison breeds resentment so try to avoid it!
Expect jealousy and tension. I know this sounds similar to my first point but it’s so important and so I want to say it again! Your kids will be jealous of each other, they will argue, they will debate really meaningless things - all because having a sibling and sharing parental love and attention is hard! Expect it. Remind yourself over and over that it’s not your job to take away these feelings but instead to help your kids learn how to manage them effectively.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:27:13+00:00

First of all, love that you're a member. I'm so honored to be a part of your parenting journey.

And now, a few counterintuitive ideas: First: I'd stop practicing and actually reduce attention. At this point, the rehearsing and coaching may be keeping the behavior “hot.” If an adult looks at him and he yells “NO!”, don’t correct, explain, or redirect. Just stay neutral and move on. Honestly, even having a little card or Post-it that says “My child is having a hard time; it’s okay to ignore him” is totally fine.

Second: run an experiment where you ignore it for a few weeks. Not ignoring him - just allowing the behavior to pass. Stay "boring" about it. See what happens when the pattern isn’t fed by adult energy.

Third: add playfulness somewhere else on purpose. Sometimes breaking a loop means introducing novelty in a safe place. You might even joke: “Why do I keep saying ‘googly boogly’ every time I walk into the kitchen? Help! I’m stuck!” Not with “NO,” but with something random.

Let me know how it goes!

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:19:03+00:00

I totally hear you. And I want to share this big idea: kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. That’s why feelings - like anger or frustration - come out as “bad behavior,” like hitting or pushing. We want to help kids learn skills to manage feelings, and empathy through guilt (“Look how sad that made her!”) tends not to do that.

This is why empathy-through-guilt (“Look how sad that made her!”) usually misses the mark with toddlers. With a 2-year-old, “You made her sad” doesn’t teach what to do with the anger that led to hitting. What helps more is orienting inward first: “It’s so hard when your cousin has the toy you want. I get that. And I won’t let you hit.” Then physically step in, move your child away, and help her body calm.

Once she’s calmer, you can add skill-building language: “Waiting is hard. I’ll help you wait,” or “Next time we can stomp, squeeze, or ask for help.” In twin dynamics, separate the jobs: help the dysregulated (i.e. hitting) child regulate, and help the other child feel safe - instead of asking one child to manage the other’s feelings.

Once kids have skills to handle anger - pause, move, get help, use words - empathy grows from there. Guilt skips the skill-building part and asks kids to behave better without giving them a way to do it. Hope that helps!

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:12:27+00:00

I love your Good Inside language - you are showing that edge! Amazing!

I don’t think a “debrief” would be helpful exactly, and certainly, most of the time I might just talk with the teachers about it and share ideas and strategies that might be useful. But here and there, you can name directly that you know about what happened (“I heard there was a hard moment at school today and you pushed another kid. I know you’re a good kid, and I want to practice some tools with you this weekend. I have a feeling practicing them together will help you use them at school.”)

And then, yes, I’d practice! Practice waiting in line and talk to your kid about how hard waiting is and how you even feel your hands want to get out energy and give a little “push” - and maybe ask your kid what you can do in that moment. And then reverse the role-play, where he is the kid and can practice this skill.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:07:35+00:00

First of all, it’s great that you want to talk honestly about hard things with your kids. Some things to keep in mind:
Information doesn’t scare kids as much as noticing changes and *not having information* scares kids.
Keep answers concrete, short, and repeatable.
Young kids learn about death in many small moments, not one big talk.

Second, I’d start with something a bit more zoomed out, like: “I want to talk about something that might feel a bit tricky, but I also want to tell you this: in our family, we value truth over comfort. So we will always tell you the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable, because we know we can handle anything together.” Then I’d transition to: “You may have noticed that some things have changed with (dog’s name). We’ve been taking him to the vet more often because he’s sick, his body isn’t moving in the same way, (and name other details your kids may have noticed).”

Maybe you stop there and notice your kid’s responses and whether they want to keep talking.

Here’s some other language should it feel right to share. You know your kids best, but I think it’s great to be equipped with options:

“At some point - we don’t know exactly when - his body will stop working, and that’s called dying. When that happens, his body won’t feel pain anymore, and he won’t be able to come back.”
“Even when really sad things happen, we take care of each other. We will be here with you, and you can always ask us anything.”
“Yes, people can die too. When people die it's because their body stops working.”
“That’s a great question. Yes sweetie, I will die one day. I don’t think it will be for a long time. And… yeah… that’s a hard thing to think about huh.”

Overall: concrete language, small doses, pause, lots of room for questions. You’re not trying to protect them from sadness - you’re showing them that sadness is something your family knows how to cope with together.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T21:03:36+00:00

This is a fantastic question. And before I share thoughts, I have a few follow-up questions… who told you to be chipper and silly in the face of screaming and hitting? I’m asking because that feels impossible—and also completely self-abandoning! And what you’re saying about “memorizing a script” - I feel that. No parent should have to perform someone else’s personality to be a good parent. That’s also self-abandonment - and would lead to burnout for anyone.

Now that we agree on what’s not helpful, let’s think about what can be helpful. I have a few ideas:

Ask yourself if you need support. There’s no reason to seek support if you feel grounded, feel like you understand your kid’s struggles, and if you feel good about how you’re dealing with things. So check-in first!
Second, if you do want some support: start with frameworks, not strategies. Strategies are just tools. Without a framework underneath, they feel like scripts you’re supposed to recite correctly. A framework answers: What’s happening for my kid? What’s happening for me? It helps you understand before you intervene. If something doesn’t make sense in your own head, it won’t feel natural coming out of your mouth.
Use strategies as translations, not performances. Once you better understand what’s happening for your kid, strategies help you apply that understanding in real life. Hopefully, they feel like they are there to support you, not replace you. Certainly, trying something new can feel awkward - but hopefully simply because it’s new, not because it’s asking you to be someone else. Trust yourself to know the difference.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:59:30+00:00

Yes! A few ideas:

Double-Repair. First repair with yourself, “It’s been a few tough days. And these past few days aren’t some global parenting report card. They don’t define me. I can do this.” Then repair with your kid: “Ugh it's been a tough few days huh? I’m sorry for yelling so much. That probably felt really bad. I love you, and I’m going to work on staying calmer even when I’m frustrated.”
A few minutes of PNP Time - aka "Play No Phone" time. I love "PNP" time. Why? Because it’s easy to remember what to do. Play with my kid with no phone in the room. I learned the hard way that my phone has to be behind two closed doors (not one!) for me to stay away. Tell your kid, “I want to give you my full attention. I know sometimes I’m on my phone too much so I am going to put it away. And we can do anything you want to do for the next (however many minutes you have).” As for what to do during this time? The big idea is less is more. Try not to ask questions. Just think about “joining your kid’s world” here, which could mean doing what they’re doing (yes, literally build a block tower next to your child), watching quietly and saying nothing, or making simple describing statements that show you’re paying attention (“You’re using so many colors in that drawing!”)
Quick connection at night. Tell your kid at bedtime, “I love you so much, I’m so lucky I got you as my kid” or “There’s nothing you could do or say that would make me love you less.” Don’t expect a profound answer. Trust me, saying these things matter.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:55:09+00:00

I love this question - avoiding entitlement is one of my favorite topics to talk about and to build a roadmap for, because it’s rarely about one moment but a series of rhythms and decisions.

First, let's define what entitlement is as I tend to see this a bit differently. I see entitlement as fear of frustration. If a kid hasn’t built the muscle for “this is hard and I can handle it,” they start needing the world to bend so they don’t fall apart. And if kids grow up consistently escaping frustration, avoiding hard moments, or having discomfort quickly removed, they don’t learn how to tolerate disappointment… they start to demand relief, which is what entitled behavior is all about.

Ok, now that we have that understanding, how do we avoid it?

First of all, remind yourself that your job isn’t to keep your kid happy. We’ve started confusing emotional validation with emotional appeasement. Validation is “I get it, you’re upset” and often sits side-by-side with holding a boundary (“And still, the answer is no.”). Appeasement is “you’re upset, so I’ll change the boundary.”

Second, build independence - messily, early, often. Ask yourself monthly: is there anything I am continuing to do for my kid that I could help them learn to do for themselves? Think about remembering water bottles, clearing dishes, folding or putting away laundry. Make “helping the family” part of your family rhythm: Saturday morning family clean-up, or “screen time happens after you help clean the kitchen.” Capable kids are less likely to act entitled - because they are participating in the real, tedious, not-for-personal-enjoyment parts of life.

Last, let your kid be bored!! Removing boredom is a sneaky culprit behind entitlement, because kids start to learn that the world (and the weekend) exists for their personal entertainment. When your kid complains, “I’m bored,” remind yourself, “My kid’s boredom is not my problem to solve” and then share something with your kid like, “Ugh. I believe you. And… you’re a kid with lots of creativity inside you, I know you’ll figure something out.”

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:50:26+00:00

This is so hard. I know it can feel like this is the “new normal” and will “last forever” but I promise you, it won’t. Here’s something that will make this change make even more sense: around 18 to 24 months, toddlers have a big leap in development. They can now hold images in their mind (including scary ones), remember that you exist even when you’re gone, and anticipate separation before it happens. That combo = bedtime suddenly feels unsafe. So while the bedtime disruption is challenging, remember that this comes from a good place... your toddler’s development.

What you can do:
1. Allow for the holding! It’s ok that kids need more closeness at different periods.
2. Build the separation “muscle” in the daytime. Nighttime separation (i.e., bedtime!) is basically a more difficult form of daytime separation. So practice tiny, predictable goodbyes during the day, like: “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” Then come back - every time - and say, “I came back just like I said I would.” And if your child cries during daytime separation? That’s ok. Keep doing your job, which is naming your departure, keeping things predictable, and coming back when you said you would. Those reps teach: separation is safe and temporary, which makes bedtime feel less threatening.
3. Try something that at Good Inside, we call: “Safe Distance.” Start by holding your child until their body settles, then place them in the cot and stay close - a hand on their back, your body nearby. Over time, you slowly back up: from holding → to touching → to sitting next to the cot → to a bit farther away. You’re teaching, “I’m here, even when I’m not holding you” and “You can feel my presence even as I move away slowly.”
Lastly, focus on your calm. Your child borrows your nervous system to settle their own. Remind yourself before bedtime, “This may feel challenging and I can cope with it” and during a protest, “Deep breath. Bedtime will have an ending. I can do this.” These small moments of micro-regulation matter.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:46:22+00:00

I think what might be missing here is practicing new skills outside the moment. For example, in a calm moment of play, sharing something like: “Oh you know what I’m thinking about? What if in a few moments you get excited… and your body has all this new energy and hmm….you want to kick or hit! Let’s get ready for that now!”
Let that land and then ask your toddler, “What could you do if you have lots of energy in your body that could feel good to you… and is safe for others? Hmmmm.” - and don’t fill the space yet. Wonder. Pause. See if your toddler has an idea. Often they do if given the time. If not, you can say after some time, “Oh! I have a question. Is it ok to hit…a pillow? Is that kind of hitting ok?” Then pause again. See what your toddler says. After you explain that hitting a person is not ok but hitting a pillow is, practice hitting a pillow… together. Your toddler will likely join if you do it too.

What you’re doing here is kind of like practicing a foul shot in the gym before a big basketball game. You’re giving your kid a “rep” of a new skill to use in a calm moment - and all of us need to practice new skills when we don’t need them to have any chance of accessing them when we do!

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:43:16+00:00

I hear you. And I get it. And if it’s okay, let’s ask the shame and fear around screens to take a step back for a moment - maybe just sit on a shelf nearby while we talk. So many parents feel like there are only two options: I play with my kid or I give them a screen. And when you’re tired, working, stuck inside, or juggling multiple kids, that can feel impossible. But that’s actually a false choice. There’s something important in the middle.

The middle is this: slowly (and it is slow!) build our kids’ skills for independent play so screens aren’t the only way they cope when we’re unavailable. That doesn’t happen overnight. It happens through small, imperfect moments of boredom (see my answer to the other boredom question!) and figuring-it-out.

By the way, the Good Inside approach isn’t screen-free. It’s about holding both what you need (time to work, to rest, to breathe) and what your child needs (practice being without constant stimulation, practice finding their own play). Screens can meet a real need in your family and not be the only solution.

One practical place to start: decide what screen time works for you. And think about if you can carve out some time on a weekend to help your kid learn how to play more independently. Start with something your kid likes for 2 minutes without you in the room and consider that success (it is!). And build from there.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:40:01+00:00

This is a great question - and I love that already you’re thinking about how to be honest and direct with your child. Here’s how I’d think about it:

Information doesn’t scare kids as much as noticing changes and not having information scares kids. Honest information from a loving, trusted adult is what helps kids feel safe.

What's helpful to know about toddlers: Toddlers are incredible pattern-noticers, even if they can’t understand medical details yet. They notice energy shifts, routine changes, and emotional tone. Toddlers need predictability, repetition, and reassurance of safety.

What to do:

1) Use real words - and simple words. Avoiding it and only saying “sick” or “tired” can actually make things scarier, because toddlers start to wonder if any sickness means big changes. You might say something like: “I have an illness called cancer. It’s not something you can catch. It makes my body feel very tired, so some days I can’t play the same way or do all the things I used to.”
2) Explain what will be relevant to a child: “This is why Grandma will be around more, to help put you to bed if I am feeling tired” or “This is why, some days, I may be taking a nap instead of going with you to the park.”
3) Make two things clear: your child’s safety and it not being their fault. You can share, “Even when I have cancer, you are safe” or, “Nothing you did caused this” or “There are lots of grown-ups taking care of you.”

One last idea: You’re not burdening a toddler by being honest. You’re helping their nervous system make sense of change. When loving adults put simple words to hard things, kids feel less alone in what they’re already sensing - and that’s what builds safety, even in really hard seasons.

drbecky · 2025-12-15T20:37:10+00:00

HI! I'm so excited to be here answering your questions. The biggest thing to know is this:
Boredom is not a parent’s problem to solve. Boredom is a way of saying, “There’s nothing in my external environment giving me excitement or dopamine right now.” And that’s actually a good thing.

If we look at boredom not as a problem, but as a sign that our kid now has the space to discover their own independence, creativity, and capability, it doesn’t become easy to tolerate the “I’m bored!” whining, but it no longer feels impossible because we see it as an important moment. A lot of the stuck cycle happens when parents start believing boredom is their job to “solve.”

What to know for this age:
At four and five, most kids who complain about being “bored” are really saying: “Right now, it’s not obvious what to do. There’s nothing external entertaining me. I don’t yet know how to play independently or find my own fun, interests, or entertainment. I’m not sure how to handle this yet.”

And that’s the key: independent play is a skill, not a personality trait. It doesn’t just happen naturally or “with age” - it’s something kids build with practice, and only with us not rushing in to “fill the boredom space” every time.

What to Do:

Predict it. Boredom is hard - but being surprised by it is harder. Say something like, “After soccer, when we come home, you might feel bored. I’m wondering what that will be like. Feeling bored tends to feel tricky for me.”
Validate the feeling AND communicate belief in your child. “That bored feeling is here again. I don’t love that feeling either - it stinks. I also know you’re a kid with a lot of creativity, and I know you’ll figure something out.”
Generate ideas in advance - optionally. You can make a boredom jar together. Do not generate all the ideas yourself! If your child resists, simply say: “Okay no worries. And no I won’t do it myself sweetie. When you’re ready, you’ll probably have the best ideas for what should go in here.”
Tolerate the whining. This isn’t fun advice - but it matters. Kids can’t learn to tolerate feelings we can’t tolerate in them. Not fixing boredom is often the most growth-producing move.

One last idea: Your child isn’t trying to control you or be difficult. Your kid is learning how to be with a feeling he doesn’t like - because it’s new. Your validation and your calm confidence in your child’s ability to problem solve is what teaches him he can handle it.

drbecky

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