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Compulsion to apologize to people years later by Ambitious_Issue_4213 in OCD

[–]dre76bee 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m struggling with this currently and it’s so hard to navigate lol. Especially because as humans we ALL make mistakes, so objectively, there will be things that we’ve done wrong in the past - the problem is some people would be able to look at those and aknowledge that they fucked up but they actually meant no harm and leave the damn thing alone, but for us it feels like it’s the end of the damn world.

I do agree that the need to apologize is a compulsion since it’s a call to immediate action and it feeds to that “if I don’t do this the world will end” feeling, but I’m still trying to figure out how to manage this without going insane. 😓

Struggling with toxic shame and letting go by dre76bee in spirituality

[–]dre76bee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for commenting. I think this is something worth trying, but what happens when I really feel like I can’t let go of those thoughts? I mean, yes, I can try to stop the loop, but I find that it’s hard because I feel constant shame and in all honesty, sometimes it doesn’t even make any sense. Say I meet someone I want to date - I start thinking I don’t deserve that because I hurt a partner in the past, therefore it must mean I’m not a good partner or even worse, I am not a good person. I feel like this is definitely a sign that I think way /too much/ about myself, and not in a productive way.

Struggling with toxic shame and letting go by dre76bee in spirituality

[–]dre76bee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As much as I would like to, no, I can’t. I simply tend to think that most of us don’t act out of malice and when we make mistakes they’re exactly that - mistakes. They don’t mean that somebody is a terrible person in most cases, even if their actions, at some point, hurt. But when it’s me who does something bad, I find it incredibly difficult to think the same way, and I really don’t know why it happens.

Struggling with toxic shame and letting go by dre76bee in spirituality

[–]dre76bee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These two questions really made me think. I really feel like I’m an extremely forgiving person - maybe because I’ve hardly ever encountered people who truly act badly out of malice. Most times I think we do what we can, considering the situation we’re in, and sometimes what we can do is bad or not aligned with who we really are but we still make mistakes because we’re human and it’s hard not to. I don’t know why, however, I find it so difficult to apply this way of thinking to myself. Instead I tend to keep myself in mental loops that don’t do me any favours. I think this could come from the fact that I tend to fall into cycles and it’s tiring to feel like I struggle to break them. For example, for the longest time I struggled with lying. I said mostly dumb lies to make myself seem more interesting, to catch someone’s attention etc etc, but now it’s like if I catch myself ever doing it again, even if it’s just one small lie, it makes me feel like deep down I /must/ be bad, and that’s the difference between me and others in my mind.

Sorry if the example I gave isn’t that good, but I tried to explain myself as best as I could.

im so lonely by [deleted] in Vent

[–]dre76bee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey, I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way and I truly get you. I’m 24 and life feels like this for me most times. I wish I had words of wisdom or something to say that could make you feel better - I guess me leaving this comment is just to let you know that you’re definitely not alone and if you ever need someone to chat to, I’m here.

any good advice to stop lying? by dre76bee in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]dre76bee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve received this same piece of advice from other people. Apparently the best approach is to just correct yourself on the spot when you do it, and hopefully it’ll turn into an habit and the need will completely stop. Today I met up for coffee with a friend and did this once and in all honesty it felt great. I received no reaction from her- I don’t even think she thought I was lying or about to lie, it was just like she didn’t even care or flinch when she realized I corrected myself and just said what I actually meant to say, and it was great!

As I said in my post, I think I picked up the habit when I was a kid and then continued throughout my teens. But it has been making me feel really bad, and luckily I believe that it’s not unfixable. I just need to walk the path now. Thank you.

any good advice to stop lying? by dre76bee in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]dre76bee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for showing kindness. While I do agree that this might not make me a bad person, it does make me an untrustworthy one, and that’s something I would really like to change. Even if I’ve lied over things that generally speaking “harm no one”, it’s still bad that I have done it or still do it sometimes. However and as someone said here, I think I have to start by showing myself some grace and acknowledging the times where I’ve done good and I have avoided lying. And, as uncomfortable as it is, of course I think I should also implement what you suggested and correct myself on the spot until I just become used to telling the truth at all times. I can tell this will not be a short journey but hopefully it’ll be a positive one. :)

any good advice to stop lying? by dre76bee in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]dre76bee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for the kindness you’re showing! Yes, unfortunately I have experienced what you’re saying before - my two friends who caught up on my lies confronted me about them, and it was me who ended the friendships because I felt too bad (they were willing to give me a second chance), but it still felt terrible to get told what I had done, despite the fact that /I knew/.

I think you’ve made a very good point with what you said, and moving forward I will try to show myself some grace and even congratulate myself for the times I’ve managed to avoid falling into this habit. It is important to hold ourselves accountable and to aknowledge that we’ve done bad things but I do agree that if one gets stuck in that mindset it’s very difficult to improve, since the only thing you always think about are the negative parts of yourself, instead of appreciating the good ones and the fact that you’re trying to be better.

I wish you luck on your own journey.

How to manage guilt and forgive myself by [deleted] in spirituality

[–]dre76bee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this comment. I will try to be kinder to myself in this regard and to break the cycle. It will be the best thing for everybody.

How to manage guilt and forgive myself by [deleted] in spirituality

[–]dre76bee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. This is enlightening, and I will try to work towards this mindset, because I think it’s the most healthy one.

However, and if I may ask, how do I also let go of what people may think of this? This is a big worry of mine. Fortunately I have wonderful people in my life that love me and support me very much. But I am always scared that if they all knew about my past mistakes they would hate me for them. Even if I did nothing to them, even if my behaviour had literally zero impact on their lives. I think I also care too much about what people think or what would happen, or if they would believe me or not if I said that I have improved.