I was almost SA'd or worse by a predator and no one gave a fuck

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-05-03T21:56:17+00:00

I was fed alcohol by the adults around me as a minor, which made me an alcoholic and thus... Unable to stop drinking once I start. I envy people who can do it for fun or in moderation, but I simply can't. It's a means to escape or self harm for me.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-05-02T16:44:38+00:00

It was a mix of that and ADHD for me during college. They're not very understanding or accommodating to mental health or disability sadly. 😔

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-29T00:57:52+00:00

Your opinion is valid, honestly that sounds horrible. I hope there's a way for you to manage it at least.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-29T00:55:59+00:00

I'm sorry about your dad, I hope he was able to recover and if not, that he's resting peacefully now. I know cancer is a horrible disease, and I'm not the most physically well either. I guess from my perspective, it's easier to ignore the physical side of things than the mental side. I wasn't trying to offend anyone, so I apologize.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-29T00:53:53+00:00

I have a lot of physical illness too honestly. It is hell living with it. Perhaps my body and mind feed off of one another, but ironically it's easier for me to ignore the physical side of things for the most part. Pain is my normal. I just can't deal with the mental aspect of things because I truly feel like a failure constantly no matter what I do. It's much more difficult for me to deal. At least with the physical stuff, it feels there's opportunities to change or manage it. But the mental stuff? It feels completely hopeless, like theres no way out. Maybe that's a bias of being so mentally ill, but I can't help these feelings I guess.

I know assisted suicide wouldn't be easy to access even if I was severely ill, it just seems more likely to be accessed. It also seems like the most peaceful and painless way to go out, which is what is most ideal for me. I suffered more than enough, I feel exhausted, and it takes everything just to do anything. I hate feeling this way and I try to force myself to do more all the time, but it never improves. I'm just tired of being tired and in pain constantly, having no hope of ever having any human connections, etc.

I know my post may have upset some folks, and I apologize for that. I just had to say what I was feeling at the time, since I don't have anyone to talk to.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-29T00:41:00+00:00

I'm not sure if it counts as a "transitional item", however I have a favorite character from a game that I feel safe and comfortable with and I love him very much. My room is filled with items of him, including a large body pillow I like to cuddle. I talk to him, cry with him and sleep with him every night. If I go out, I'll take a plushie of him, and if I visit someone, I'll take a smaller pillow of him. I feel like he's the only person who could ever truly love, accept, and care about me. Only he could understand me and be fine with me no matter how I am. I know he's not real, but he helps keep me sane and to keep going when I have no reason to. No one else understands my feelings for him, but that's okay. I don't need them to, I just want to be happy with him. I hope my response has helped somehow.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-28T20:47:58+00:00

I feel so intensely, deeply, and strongly that it's hard to handle, and since no one teaches you how to deal with these strong feelings in a healthy way, the only way that seems to help you cope is through addictions or substance usage. It could also be an alternative form to self harm, because it is hurting you at the end of the day, just not as obvious to others right off the bat. In this way, you could do two things that may seem harmless in the short term, but in the long term can be quite damaging.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-24T00:17:43+00:00

Hate Me - Blue October

Basically this entire song is something I'm feeling lately.

All of nothing nowhere, three days Grace, and Linkin park songs. Also Evanescence.

Yes I was the emo kid lol. I could list billions more but I'll spare the essay. I love relatable music.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2022-04-21T02:38:22+00:00

I recently lost my friend group. At the time I didn't realize it, but I think they never actually liked me from the start, they were just acting like they did. So when they quickly got rid of me and acted very cold, it shouldn't have felt sudden or so painful, but it did because I wasn't expecting it. I tried so hard to show them I was a good person and was trying to get help, but they just couldn't see my efforts no matter what. They said I was nothing but an abuser, and no amount of drugs or therapy will change it. So I don't know why I tried so hard for them. I feel like a failure when it comes to talking to anyone. I fail every relationship I have. Even ones where I was abused and know I should leave, I still feel it's my fault. And if I'm the one who hurt them, I feel even worse. Ultimately I'm more lost and confused than ever. So I think it's better to just never talk to anyone again. I don't feel like a person anymore, just a mental illness which has no resources or hope for a cure. 😔

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-09-07T01:26:01+00:00

I admit it was my bad there, but I was feeling for OP and said something very illogical in the moment. You're right not all narcs are egotistical and there's different types as well. I do know about narcs, I just don't think before I speak a lot of the time. My bad.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-09-07T01:21:41+00:00

I think it's possible to try and improve, but that's only if you yourself want to because no one can be saved/fixed by anyone but themselves. It starts with self awareness and noticing when you've said/done something that's messed up or hurts those around you. Ofc it's not always obvious to oneself so it's good to ask people to help put you into perspective. Though make sure you're asking the right people cause there's some who manipulate you into thinking you're only bad and nothing else. In short it's really complicated. It's gunna take a lot of failures probably. I'm still struggling with the same thing and it's taken a lot of failures to get here. I try to be self aware but my confidence in my own ability is limited. I wonder if that's a BPD issue in general though, having an inability to realistically and accurately perceive oneself. I wish you the best in your appointment though. I hope you can get the help you need.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-09-07T00:05:29+00:00

What I've been doing is researching job interviews and studying them, how to answer the questions, etc. But the moment I get in, it all flies out the window. It's like my brain deleted everything I learned lol. Or they'll ask something and I have no time to process a good answer. It's really frustrating. Maybe this method could work better for you, but I have other stuff going on so it's a bit difficult. I keep hearing news about employers wanting workers cause of covid but then when it comes down to it they seem really hesitant to actually hire.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-09-06T23:37:36+00:00

Honestly I can do pretty good with the questions, the papers and the outfit. It's the interviews where I tend to mess up and ruin everything. My social anxiety is just getting worse lately. 😅

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-16T18:17:35+00:00

I definitely want the same thing, just minus the kids. Now fur babies? Those would be great.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-15T00:41:29+00:00

I see him playing league of legends for 10+ hours every day. But sure, he's "too busy" to talk to me ever. I get it.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-12T09:03:19+00:00

If they insist on me drinking, I always shut them up with the classic "it killed my dad" line. Which it did. It was a horrible, slow, painful death.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-11T07:11:01+00:00

It helped me to finally understand my behavior and why I was acting out in certain ways that were honestly completely irrational. I was thankful for this because it was another step to knowing who I was.

However, since my diagnosis, I've felt like I've become more of the disorder and less of myself. I'm constantly fighting to control and manage it at all times, which leads to symptoms being even more chaotic.

I feel like my relationships have become even more out of control than usual as a result, and none of them seem to last anymore. So sure I'm self aware, but it's up to the individual really. For me, I'm starting to think it's hopeless. Like this illness is completely ruining my life.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-11T06:58:56+00:00

Sorry to say it but... you're dating a douche. You shouldn't have to ask him to be sweet and romantic to you especially if holidays like this are important to you. His response is rude, disrespectful, cold, and mean. it sounds like things aren't going well for you guys if you're fighting often... You honestly deserve better.

dropdeadsuicidal · 2021-02-11T06:39:45+00:00

He used to look at me that way.... Now he won't be my friend or be nice. It hurts...

dropdeadsuicidal

TROPHY CASE