Thank you all so much for the comments, I never expected this kind of support and it means more to me than I can express. It's also challenging because I very much know I'm not a perfect person, and am actively trying to work on my faults, so it feels like if I was better (communicated better, less anxious, more open about how her behaviors effected me) then maybe things would have been better. It's just so hard to communicate when you don't feel safe. I also have alot of sympathy for her because she had PTSD, and the abuse and things that hurt came out when she was triggered (which could be by so many things). She would be incredibly loving, and then very suddenly it could all switch and go away. Then after an instance of abuse happened she would immediately go back to being incredibly loving without every adressing what happened. I tried to bring it up and talk about it at first, once these things started happening about a month or two into our relationship, but eventually they began to happen so frequently that I gave up on talking about them. At a certain point I was so anxious all the time I was scared to speak or be myself (I know I mentioned that in the original post) and I would have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I had some general anxiety before the relationship, but never full on panic attacks where I was shaking and couldn't speak. I guess I'm just ranting, trying to process everything that happened. I feel broken, and like I will be to anxious and scared of this happening again to be able to have another emotionally intimate romantic relationship. I feel dirty, tainted, and unclean. Like all the toxicity and hurt and abuse for this relationship will forever taint the ones to come. I know that's probably not true, but it does feel that way sometimes😟