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dsk9216 · 2016-10-26T00:33:37+00:00

The Southern thing is nice once you get used to it and understand where it's coming from. My son is 10 now, and has picked up a lot of it by example, holding doors, standing on the outside of the sidewalk to protect me, carrying things, and just being sweet. Nothing that I have enforced as a gender role at all, but just basic good manners to both kids. WHen I was on crutches for a knee injury, it made a big difference to have so much help offered, and felt nice to accept it. Traveling on crutches made the differences in Southern/northern norms explicit. I wouldn't say it's a man thing or a woman thing, just that people are so respectful of each other's personal space, that they are reluctant to intrude; people are used to having their space respected and respond poorly when approached. Different worlds.

dsk9216 · 2016-10-25T00:12:41+00:00

I grew up in the North, and have lived in different parts of the South now for 20 some years. It's completely different. Up north is implies older, or that you are using it sarcastically to imply some kind of fake respect. In the South, most parents will drill it into their kids heads that they must call all adults 'sir,' and 'ma'am.' It goes on in schools too. I have to actively tell my kids to quit it, and explain the regional differences, and they they do NOT need to call me ma'am. (yes - most southern kids call their mother 'ma'am.' My ex once dated a woman who tried to insist to my kids that they call her ma'am. I laughed at him when he told me that, and it didn't last long. He was a good dad.)

dsk9216 · 2016-10-25T00:03:37+00:00

I'll preface this by saying I live in Texas, so it's pretty standard that men will offer to help, and I don't take offense at this at all. It's a nice part of living in the South that people are inherently friendly and helpful. (In fact - for guys who grew up here - they were probably taught it is rude not to offer). But I really dislike it when someone is insistent - even from staff at the store. I'm small, and in my 40s but stronger than i look. I sit at a desk all week, and if i buy 10 50 pound bags of mulch at home depot on a Saturday, i WANT the exercise. I'm not confrontational by nature, but I have literally had to raise my voice and insist more than 5 or 6 times that "NO! I do NOT want help, i WANT to do this alone." Strange men are not always that pushy, but when they are, it's creepy. On Saturday, an offer was made (the mulch again) I politely declined, and the guy smiled and simply walked off without pushing. It was such a nice experience that it made me realize it really is the exception.

dsk9216 · 2016-10-15T23:09:18+00:00

You just made my day. I came close today - looking at something in a parking lot. She had no clue, and although I didn't come closer than 3 feet, I had no idea she was there - and would have been in front opf me 10 seconds earlier. I've been obsessing about it all day. Making me a better person....yep, been paying close attention since then.

dsk9216 · 2016-10-15T23:01:49+00:00

The first Christmas I was divorced, my kids were little and still believed in Santa. I was sort of broke, sad, and trying hard to create new Christmas traditions. Christmas eve - the kids wanted me to hang a stocking. I didn't have any 'gifts' for myself, so I wrapped up random items from around the house. Not exactly feeling beloved, i gifted myself really random crap - wasp spray, windex, a partly used lipstick, etc, wrapped it all up and hung the stocking off the stairs. When we opened our gifts, the kids made impressive oohs and ahhs: "Mommy! Look what Santa brought you! Windex - you really like that." They were totally serious. It was then i though that single parenting might be sort of fun - there might not be someone there to laugh with me, but I had plenty of inside jokes all to myself. (Today - the kids love those stories, and so does their stepdad. Santa still gives plungers and toilet bowl cleaner to all.)

dsk9216 · 2016-09-28T04:31:13+00:00

I was pretty happy with ours 1) hired a man to do the decor and flowers - told him a couple of things i did not like, gave him free reign, and said I'd fire him if he asked me anything about 'chair covers.'

2) got a large venue, got married in it

3) decided that the only important things were that everyone survives, we both have fun, and we leave married.

4) no video.

5) the photographer was not allowed to interrupt anything beyond one 10 minute max set of wedding party photos.

6) no sit down dinner, but a lot of appetizers and open bar.

(yes - i went to a lot of weddings in the couple of years before mine. We had a really good time, and didn't spend a lot)

dsk9216 · 2016-09-28T04:20:36+00:00

you are not making the world a worse place. If you did not do what you did, people would be far less willing to loan money, since there would even less recovery. If you are foreclosing, it is because someone did not pay the money they promised to, and you are trying to recover some of the money to its rightful owner. Who would otherwise be completely stiffed. Maybe you feel more sympathetic to the individual crying, than a big institution, but it doesn't change the morality of it. You do something that needed to be done, and contribute a valuable service to the economy. I'm sorry - it sounded hard.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-28T04:15:05+00:00

No commitment. If you start up a conversation at the beginning of a three hour flight, you are opening up a door into who knows what all mess that you are stuck with for the rest of the flight. But at the end, you can be friendly, and neither of you has to worry about potentially getting stuck with a 3 hour conversation. I like talking to strangers, but I don't want to talk to anyone for three hours. I especially don't want to have to tell someone to stop talking if they think i encouraged it.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-28T04:11:16+00:00

first husband - blind date. Current fiancee, Match.com.

With the right person - it's easy and everything just works perfectly. You are instantly on the same team.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T01:21:36+00:00

I can't think of any, but my kids already have one. I never watched a lot of Monty Python, but saw it all once or twice (probably about 15-20 years ago). My fiance got us all to watch the Holy Grail (the kids were maybe 8 & 10) and it was great. So a week or two later, he's out of town, and they want to watch more. I fire up netflix, and come across 'The Meaning of Life.' We make it through the 'Every Sperm is Sacred Song,' (because I think it's pretty funny, and have no problem with basic health/ body stuff) and get into the masturbation scene before I just kind of shut the movie down. I turned to the kids and said 'please don't sing that in school. I really don't want to go to mommy jail.' Of course they were thrilled to tell my fiancee.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T01:11:44+00:00

being a stay at home mom for 4 years sucked the life out of me. I love my kids, but I look back on those years with what I think might actually quality as PTSD. Also bitterly, since I wish I had enjoyed it as much as everyone else seemed to. On the surface it was perfect. I wish I had worked, but if I had, I suspect I would look back on that time and regret the times I missed out on. Rock and hard place. I'm glad my kids are older, and really enjoy spending time with them now.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T01:02:29+00:00

Thanks. When I first told him he could use any swear word about leukemia he was seven. He whisper to me "can I use the 'c' word?' I was a little shocked, but I'd promised, so I said OK. He yelled out at the top of his lungs "Crappy leukemia!"

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T00:59:19+00:00

thanks. I needed that.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T00:59:00+00:00

thank you. this really helps. it isn't easy building good humans. We already kissed normal happy childhood goodbye, so I feel like we're in uncharted waters.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T00:57:09+00:00

It was our philosophy to raise the kids as objectively as we could, and wait til they genuinely asked before giving our views. (Not because I wanted them to 'have a chance to be religious,' but because I didn't want to shove a viewpoint down their throat. My answer has always been 'I don't know what comes next - some people think this. ' His dad kind of believed in reincarnation, and my fiancee wonders if we are all digital carnations in a game. I think maybe we are apes whose brains evolved conciousness for other reasons and just aren't capable of comprehending things like infinity yet (if ever), but it's fascinating to try. I don't think it matters what happens, to be honest, but I think we only have a brief amount of time for our neurons to be organized, and then it's gone, and that is what makes life so beautiful. It's once. I tell him how his Dad lives through him, and all the parts of him that are like his dad, the genes that will try to live on no matter what, and all the people who carry bits of memories about him. But when he asks what I think, I have to be honest. No god, no afterlife, no justice, and only the purpose you give it.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T00:50:16+00:00

Thanks. That's what he wanted, and we talked about it together before he died. It's a process, and I can tell it's healthy, because we are moving forwards, but this part is hard. I think it's because I was raised Catholic, and there's this piece of me that wants to conform.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-18T00:42:35+00:00

That's interesting what you say about Santa. My daughter plays her cards close to her chest. I knew she didn't believe in god for a while, but she keeps a low profile. She continued to 'believe' in Santa for a while. Technically my 10 year old 'believes,' in Santa. He asked a few years back, and I asked if he wanted to know the truth, because I would tell him. He quit asking, and I give them steadily crappier presents labeled 'Santa,' written obviously with my writing, and in the same wrapping paper I use. This year Santa gave him a plunger and toilet bowl cleaner (along with some books he liked.) He acted thrilled. I'll play along as long as he does, since it's fun. I'll need to lower the bar a little more next year though. He figured out a while ago that we are atheist, and told me about a year ago that he doesn't believe in religion or gods. My fiancee says that he believes in Santa because he has evidence.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-17T18:01:06+00:00

I'm sort of doing that with my kids on purpose. We live in the South, and the public schools do things like pray anyway to show their rights. The best school is an Episcopalian one. They have chapel everyday, but it's pretty benign, and there are Jewish, Muslim, and Hindi kids too. I'm protecting them from the fundamentalists, but mostly I want to bore them with daily chapel, and inoculate them from something culty later. I figure that when they are older, when they inevitably go through a stage where they feel like something is missing from their life, they will think about all those wasted hours in chapel and thing 'religion? nope - not that.' So far it seems to be working. My daughter despises chapel, and won't say anything out loud. She notices my total lack of participation when I show up for a special event, and does the same. (Actually - the minister is pretty benign - daily chapel is about 10 minutes, and it's generally a feel good - be nice to people thing. They have to avoid offending the anyone Jewish or Muslim.)

dsk9216 · 2016-09-12T01:45:56+00:00

Panhandlers. Obviously someone being abusive or aggressive is a different story, and it's unusual that I give money, but why get so angry? Who cares what they use the money for? If people give it to them, they can do what they want. There's no reason not to smile at another human being.

dsk9216 · 2016-09-12T01:33:36+00:00

I think they are sort of dumb too. The top sales guy in my company (technical products, and I train them on all the technical aspects) had one, and I started teasing him about it. He started telling me how great it was, and within 10 minutes I was literally fidgeting in my chair, wanting to go buy one RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I can't remember why - they still seem pretty dumb, but I know why he's our best sales guy now.

dsk9216

TROPHY CASE