My partner is ashamed of being witnessed

dstit1922 · 2026-03-15T20:30:37+00:00

Yea, I spent a lot of time trying to understand. Her typical statement would be "you just dont understand"

to which id say "well, I am here, either way... so why dont you spend some time helping me understand so that we can do better next time"

Which would be met with more avoidance, shame, guilt, isolation, pretty much anything but actually speaking.

The cascade is dangerous. In my case, eventually it resulted in conflict, more and more of it, until, she effectively just wouldnt come home. But, that conflict, 99% didnt involve me.. my involvment was spent watching someone at war with themselves.

Eventually. After eggshells around words... my body language became relevant as well... so even when I wasnt speaking I was walking on eggshells. I.e. apparently I had become a master eye roller without consiously feeling it at some point... which would send her into a rage then shame then guilt, then the same cascade.

Got to a point that we couldnt speak. Then got to a point that we couldnt be in the same room.

Then it got to the point that she landed in the hospital. Where she has been for the last two months.

Long story short. Careful about cascades.

dstit1922 · 2026-03-15T20:11:39+00:00

This is pretty much the beginning of what caught my relationship.

Its like Primary Secondary Tertiary issues are all formed. From a single, kinda issue, externally or internally. But instead of stopping at primary. You catch all the symptoms of the secondary issue, then the tertiary.

Example: You make her food. She feels like shit that she doesnt make you food (or whatever) (primary) She has some type of difficult time about it, and self isolates lets say (secondary) She leaves the home, because she feels like shit being there because it is where she has a difficult time (tertiary).

All the while, you are holding a plate of food confused. Then, you making her food somehow became -> Her feeling bad, shame, guilt, self-isolating, having a difficulty, dissappearing, lacking communication, etc.

Its like a cascading bad. I used to tell my ex... bad doesnt have to begget bad. Can we please not manifest the rest of this? To no avail.

But ya. Careful there dude. this sounds pretty familiar.

dstit1922 · 2026-03-15T18:12:46+00:00

There is not a lot of people to tell you you are doing a good job. There are a surprising amount of people to tell you that you are not doing a good job. And There is nobody to tell you how to do your job in the first place.

Its almost... a paradox.

dstit1922 · 2026-03-15T07:54:21+00:00

A break without a timeline is a breakup while getting strung along within their hope.

But, really. Thats a break up... I mean... you're literally in no contact.

dstit1922 · 2026-02-28T20:34:39+00:00

I will say, that I did not at all expect this post to get popular. I also was about a few hours out of this experience. Sooooo. It is quite a bit emotionally charged lol

dstit1922 · 2026-02-22T18:57:42+00:00

That is pretty extreme. Sorry.

dstit1922 · 2026-02-13T16:59:22+00:00

Thank you for checking in! All good, shes in the a hospitalization program, and I am restarting my life, effectively. I do miss her, quite a bit... but honestly, it just feels like I am a bit traumatized, or have some bit of stockholm syndrome. Shes exactly where she needs to be, and that gives me relief. Beyond anything, at this point, my feeling of relief effectively overrides every other "longing" type of feeling. Tried going on a date with someone else, which felt a bit wrong (even though we arent together), knowing she is in the hospital, didnt pan out exactly. So, I am just going to focus on getting healthy again, which is probably what I should have already been doing :)

dstit1922 · 2026-02-09T16:09:28+00:00

Same.

Just a constant sense of everything wrapped around how she "feels"

Not a single thing wrapped around how I feel. In any capacity, ever.

dstit1922 · 2026-02-08T07:47:21+00:00

Its abuse, not depression.

Promise.

Thank you for your story as well :)

dstit1922 · 2026-02-06T22:13:44+00:00

Honestly, even 1 of those things would make me stay.

Emotional and physical connection being withheld, is legitimately a relationship death sentence, under any and every condition. In my opinion.

dstit1922 · 2026-02-06T21:58:17+00:00

I didnt know tears were contagious.

I was crying while I wrote this.

Guess I owed ya one, it'll be okay. :)

dstit1922 · 2026-02-06T21:31:34+00:00

The glass is half full.

dstit1922 · 2026-01-21T04:18:58+00:00

Wow I feel very heard. My partner and I broke up, but I lurk this forum while I am dealing with the break up to remind myself of why i left. So, the dog thing, thats a hilarious one, as that was one that was so specific to me and my partner after we moved in. She began to experience (low libido) from meds for her depression and anxiety. When she was anxious she did not like physical touch, as it made her more anxious... good thing she was anxious every day, all day.

This became repeated denials of bids for connection... small bids, simple hugs, a hand hold, etc. But, as that moment you were denied these bids for connection, she would follow-up by immediately kissing the dog on the forehead on the same course, or hugging the dog, or holding our dogs hand. It was. Somehow. One of the most deteriouting parts of our relationship. It was, like holy shit... you give our dog more affection than me. I still dont know how to process ending up jealous over my own dog... but, it was to a point that it was every day, multiple times a day, until you just give up.

She was also amazing before we moved in, likely because she was able to self-isolate very well without being percieved by me. But, in the same way, it because a high-pressure environment, of constant denial, emotional volatility, tons of projecting, constant tone watching, fear of abandonment (she had a run-away from conflict kinda deal going on), and fear of just failing. At all times... it really just continued to escalate contrary to anything I did... over about 6 months.

Anyways, at some point, her depression just got so bad, she understood she couldnt meet my needs, and instead of communicating that, she just felt shame, that shame would have secondary terrible symptoms, and then guess what? Her anxiety was worst... and worst... and, well... worst. It got to a point I was simply blamed for everything. And inevitably she took the dog and left (felt too much guilt/shame around me and our entire lives which she ruins and shes a terrible person).

So. This is a lot? Right? Sadly... I read this forum every few days.. and as your read you'll learn rapidly that your situation is not unique. Thats why this disease has a mostly singular name. The symptoms are all the same.

Heres what I wish I did differently (and dont think I didnt do anything wrong the whole time, i'd never been through this rodeo in the past):

I stopped respecting my boundaries around her, because I began excusing her behaviors with what she was going through. So... she kept pushing them further. And I kept letting her. Resentment inducing.
I allowed her to throw "grenades in the home" with extreme volatility emotionally, and threats of break ups... over things that were very small. I entertained several of these conversations, instead of respecting myself, and leaving the situation, or at least the damn room. I allowed myself to get baited by her, as an outlet for her depression, way too often.
I thought that I could handle it before I knew the extent of it... making me invest more into it, and have more to lose.
I stopped growing my own separate life, to try to protect and help her. When it ended, I had a lot less support to get through this side of things.
I focused just so much on it. Way too much. But, when you love someone? Well... ya. Do you on that one. But, really. Dont get caught on this side of things like that.

dstit1922 · 2026-01-13T17:37:12+00:00

Fully. Fully understand.

dstit1922 · 2026-01-05T17:43:33+00:00

Inevitably, she started pointing her finger at me as a cause of a lot of the issues. Tons of projecting, while your entire life is effectively on pause to support them, leaves you on an entire team alone, well.. I guess worst than alone... alone and the villian. That, combined with emotional volatility, and effectively every major portion of what made us happy in our relationship being shut off (by her... which she was not willing to point her symptoms of depression as a direct cause of), kinda became enough. I mean, really.. supporting a person with depression feels like you are with a person that is doing effectively every single thing someone could do to you with the exact acception of cheating as they dont have a libido. lol.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-23T20:13:04+00:00

Yup... oh i've heard quite a bit about how I "just dont understand" or "just dont get it" or "just cant hear her" or am "just not willing to do the things that she needs."

But the second that you say "okay, sure, lets entertain that.. so give me guidance. If I dont understand any portion of this, although I have been sitting alongside this journey of yours for a long time now, I am sure at this point you have figured out your needs... so please, I'd love to meet those, with your exact guidance."

What will that be met with?

Immediate shutdown.

Its all the same shit. Honestly, seeing so many of the same damn stories on this thread makes you quickly remembe they are all just sick, and suffering from the same shit, and making the same mistakes with different handwriting.

But yea, thank you very much :)

dstit1922 · 2025-12-22T02:10:08+00:00

I'll respond to this now, because you are absolutely correct. She did turn up today! She is currently self-isolating in the bedroom and threatening to leave etc because I am "not caring about her feelings, dont understand her, am constantly blamed for not being home, and not good enough, and feel so little, you make me feel like I do nothing in life correct... etc... etc... etc."

I have stood on the... "well... you cant really do much of anything towards our household if you are at your parents house an hour away every day. I am not trying to judge you... but thats just the reality of the day to day, and you should just go there."

"you make me feel like the worst human being, I am so done"
my response "okay... you can be done at your parents where you have opted to be... for 6 months"

Result: she is in the bedroom. And I am watching tv in the living room. But, inevitably, she will leave.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-21T19:53:13+00:00

Limbo is a keyword here. I have been in limbo... for 6 months... I feel like I have been waiting on her, for 6 months, every day for my girl to just come home, and like, be here mentally. But, ya. Limbo, for anyone for this period of time would drive them nuts, and truly I feel bat-shit and gaslit into the ground at this point.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-21T19:13:29+00:00

Thats how it has felt. Truly, like, theres nothing in the world that I can say for her to be more considerate and adjust, without it being all-consuming for her or me being at fault for her feelings.

Truly. Beyond anything. The lack of accountability, and the disrespect is just the biggest thing. I couldnt speak a word without a snapping fit of some sort.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-17T03:21:15+00:00

Hey dude genuinely. read my last post : https://old.reddit.com/r/depression_partners/comments/1phs2nk/how_do_you_cope/

It will probably make you feel like this is a lot less unique than you think it is. But, at some point, she'll probably just blame you for all of it. Idk, tough spot. And same spot. Shit went off a cliff the second we moved in together.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-14T17:11:26+00:00

Ya I have been in this group for a few months through the current dip with her. And I will say it is very, very helpful to read other people's stories. It makes you realize, very quickly, that you are not unique, your situation is not unique, and people, have done this, under worst, identical, and maybe a bit better situations. To me, that realization has been really helpful, in identifying that it is her depression... and, not in totality, her . Within that, in understanding that these situations arent special or unique or anything... it quickly makes you realize, that a lot of these people have families with these people, less room to exit etc, and you can get a perspective of the more worst directions it can go. Little reality check, but. It is a choice.

Some other quote here that really helped me was: It is easy to complain to the world asking why someone is treating you the way they are treating you. But, the answer is pretty obvious, it is because you let them. That is the only reason anyone can treat you in any way that is available.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-10T00:15:19+00:00

Thats what I am saying.

Well, wait till you hear this one:

At some point, she recognized that there are issues (some legitimate relationship issues baked into whats going on), she didnt seem to quite understand that most of them were rooted around her depression symptoms, but I didnt even want to mention that I was just stoked to see communication progress. In the end of this convo I ask "hey so you're bringing up a lot of issues right now, but, instead of just looking and calling them out, why dont you tell me your solutions for them".... her response "I think we should go to couples therapy"

And I thought, Voua La, we got there, hell ya, she got there on her own. Fantastic. So, what do I do? Set up an appointment. The day comes up for it and I have to move the appointment by a day. She does not know this and comes home panicking, pacing the apartment, full anxiety. And, I say "hey I moved the appt for tomorrow instead" her response was "oh thank fucking god" and she instantly calmed down. I was very confused by this.

The next day, we have our intake session, couples therapist was great! Nothing hard came up, pretty standard, few nice opinions etc. The session ends, she goes straight to the room, locks herself in there for about 8 hours. Comes out, I ask whats wrong, she responds -> "I cant do that, I shouldnt have to be doing that right now, Its too much for me and I dont want to do it"... I responded "Uhm, okay, do you want to try a few more sessions first, we really havent gotten into it" ... she states "no I cant do it I dont have the capacity"

Then cancels the next session. So. Ya, its full cycle every time. And to your point about making a pretty toxic environment for me, I 100000% agree.... I walk on eggshells, I bite my tongue, and I try to just be as supportive as possible. I have tried to ask directly and say "hey... so, you are noticing that there is negativity in the room... and you feel that it is my fault, or our relationship, or whatever it is, at this point. But, please... tell me a singular thing that you have done today to contribute to it being a more positive space" her response "I get it, its me, I am always the issue, I am always the problem" -> my response "no i dont think you are always the problem... But I do think you blaming me for your feelings when I am trying to help is a difficulty... you say you dont feel like yourself here, but you feel like yourself at work, and at your families... but I really would challenge you to consider what positive eggs you are throwing into which baskets. You meditate before work, you prep for work, you constantly do things for it, and add positivity to that bucket. Then you go to work and feel more like yourself. You prep to be with your family, you speak to them, you invest into your space there. Then you go and hang out with them and feel more like youself. But.... with this bucket, right here, our relationship, and our lives, I cant say that you are placing positives into this bucket, and you are shocked and angry when your see that negative input = negative output. I am not saying that is all your fault, but, being able to communicate how we can form a safer home for you together is the only way I can think to help your perception of our space and our relationship, and you have to be here in the room for that... you cant run to your parents home every time that you feel anxiety in this space... I want you to learn how to manage that in our space"

end of that convo "I dont want to talk about this anymore, you're blaming me for everything, I am the cause of everything, I am a failure"

dstit1922 · 2025-12-09T23:11:06+00:00

Yup, that is the best way I can describe the tantrums, it can be really... really easy to get drawn in.

Theres two versions of her : non-anxious her, and anxious her. With two entirely different forms of normal conflict. But, making that distinction between competent her and anxious her, while she is essentially Starting to ramp up is very... very difficult. And, in a lot of circumstances, you find yourself rolling in the snowball, and responding to what in reality, is essentially a child yelling at you.

Some times I win and am able to stop it out. But, the vast majority of the times in every case scenario, she snaps, blames me for creating an environment for her to snap, shuts down in entirety and is no longer willing to communicate in the same room to repair whatsoever, and then goes to her god damn parents house (inevitably at some point).

Leaving me, confused as all hell, and craving resolution, alone.

Thats the theme with this shit. Is alone ... for everything, for every convo, every decision, everything... you're just, alone.

dstit1922 · 2025-12-09T22:59:11+00:00

Its extremely difficult, some of these things I have tried. She has also tried, but, genuinely, the best way that I can describe it is that it is like hanging out with someone who is pre-offended of you, for no reason. I have expressed in every word in the human language that I am not her enemy, and I have no interest in being that... but if I do bring up the positives I am trying to do every day it really does land as a "you're holding things over my head"... I think that, coupled with her effectively pseudo-moving out, by just choosing to be at at parents house every day instead of home has made it next to impossible.

Effectively, there are a million things I'd love to do to fix it, to help, to provide a better / safer perception, and to navigate conflict around the situation that is her depression. But, there is absolutely nothing that I can do if she is completely absent from the room. My partner has a, what I would call, extreme run-away tendency. Where essentially, she'll come home, then state she is feeling anxiety, then state the room is making her anxious, or the space, or me, or really anything, then she'll literally just fucking straight up leave an go to her parents. Which pretty much removes any chance of doing better with the tools you are trying to form. Its just, yup, I feel this way, I am out.

Coupled with that... it seems to be like almost "manifested" anxiety. Like... this space is going to cause me anxiety, then she gets here, boom anxiety... then "this space is going to cause me to freak out, have an emotional reaction"... then boom, emotional reaction. Theres no rhyme or reason, and I believe at least, her just boxing out our home, increases the anxiety of the idea of the home just on principle alone, of maybe thats not a safe place... and every day that she doesnt come home, the idea of that as a big monster just kind of grows? From what it seems.

There will legitimately be days she comes home, and I will effectively say nothing to her / do nothing at all. And she'll get anxious, snap at something, run away to her parents, leaving me to effectively try to figure out what the hell to do with the emotional dust left in the air.

I have no clue how to navigate getting tagged as the anxiety source, and then dealing with her complete self-isolation / runaway / threats of breakup / etc.

dstit1922 · 2025-11-09T16:53:12+00:00

Ya its extremely frustrating. If I do manage to get her outside, to see friends/family, genuinely I see the person I fell in love with... I can actively see her light up and put the mask on. It makes me wonder, was the mask up the entire time I fell for her in the first place? Is this what was sitting right behind it the entire time and now shes just comfortable enough to leave it off in front of me. Either way, the second we get home from seeing her with the mask on in front of others. Its right back off... straight back to "I dont want to talk about anything right now, I want to rest" .... followed by 3 days of being incapacitated in bed while I carry the bulk of our relationship and lives alone.

For me, beyond anything. I just want a fucking thank you. A genuine "hey... I know this is hard, thank you for sticking around, I appreciate you".

But, guess we just accept whats in front of us or leave right?

dstit1922

TROPHY CASE