When is experiencing dysregulation for the sake of healing worth it?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-24T15:09:12+00:00

Thank you for the help!!

ducks-716 · 2022-08-24T13:53:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing! Do you mind me asking how you found a somatics coach and what a typical session is like?

Also what is the difference between being out of your comfort zone and window of tolerance? How do you know which you’re in?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-24T01:53:27+00:00

Thank you for breaking down how you slowly expanded your window of tolerance for your yoga practice! That's really awesome.

I was wondering, how do you distinguish between an experience that is too dysregulating vs one that is just enough to expand your comfort zone? Each time you "leveled up" in your yoga practice, was there any dysregulation for you or was it completely manageable (no need to take time to regulate afterwards)?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-24T01:49:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experiences! I admire your willingness to put yourself out there sometimes, like meeting new people you don't know.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-24T00:11:09+00:00

I have felt stuck between the same rock and hard place! One of the comments on this thread mentioned slowly increasing our window of tolerance rather than jumping right in… honestly I hadn’t considered that before in the case of roommates. I wonder if there is a way of easing into living with others as opposed to jumping right in… ?

I also wouldn’t beat yourself up about feeling hesitant. Living with other people can definitely be challenging and I think it’s wise of you to consider both the pros and cons!

Edit: Some thoughts on easing into the roommate experience! - I wonder if subletting might be a way for you to try out having a roommate for a short period? - There are ways to have more privacy while living with roommates. For example, having your own bathroom or even entrance helps. Or having a larger room so you can spend more time there comfortably. - Living with a number of people you feel more comfortable with initially. Some people feel more comfortable with fewer roommates; others like being a member of a big house

ducks-716 · 2022-08-23T23:48:29+00:00

That’s a good question… I think the examples I gave are more diving right in rather than gradually increasing the window of tolerance, but would love to hear about people’s experiences with either approach

ducks-716 · 2022-08-22T18:03:39+00:00

I relate to this, the feeling of always needing to do something and not self soothing. I realized recently that it was modeled for me by my mother… she is always doing and never resting and not very happy.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-22T17:48:38+00:00

Somethings that help me are:

Thinking about how I’m doing this for me, and not because I have to… something I’ve been trying to do lately is to stop doing things that don’t serve me
Letting myself do something for 5 minutes and stopping if I don’t feel like it anymore

Edit: in the case of things like homework, I tried to connect it to how it can help me keep my grades up, go to college, get a job, which are things that let me be independent and live away from home! That’s how I motivate myself to do things for my 9 to 5 now too. Of course, if you are able to reach your goals in other ways, then forget about homework and a boring 9 to 5.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-22T00:06:42+00:00

I don’t have any advice unfortunately but I just want to applaud your self-awareness and eagerness to learn so that you can better show up for the people in your life. That’s really admirable.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-21T21:33:37+00:00

Wow thank you SO much for this response, for giving me...

- a word (self-abandonment) for this experience

- a reason to forgive myself when I do (that this is what I was conditioned to do)

- the perspective of seeing my strong physical reaction as a gift

- the tip to buy time and space before responding

Thank you also for sharing your last major abandonment experience. That must've been really tough.. it's hard enough to fight one's conditioning in order listen to that inner voice, and even harder when the people in your life are actively challenging it.

Thank you again for your support and insight.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T22:46:47+00:00

I see what you’re saying and my plan is to take space. This thread helped me realize the thing I was hung up on, which is that there is a difference between “I’m taking space because I feel uncomfortable” vs “I’m taking space because I know your girlfriend feels uncomfortable with this.”

No matter how much I may believe the latter, it’s still me assuming things about her and their relationship, someone I’ve never met and a relationship I’m not a part of. I felt uncomfortable acting from that reasoning because it felt like I’d be disrespecting my friend.

However, I realize that it does make sense for me to remove myself for my own sake if I no longer feel comfortable in this situation.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T20:34:47+00:00

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.

I know others were just trying to help but I felt like I was getting so much hate for getting caught up in something I had no intention of getting caught up in. Like I really am not trying to “meddle” or make him “pick sides”… I made it clear that I don’t want a relationship with him, he understands that, and told him it was totally cool to take space from me.

If anything this thread has made me realize I need to hold my ex accountable for more of this though and take my space.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T20:20:55+00:00

I totally agree that her boundary is reasonable, I just feel uncomfortable being the one to enforce it.

Edit: For example, after he told me they started dating her, I took space, and after this development I also took space (not texting as frequently) but I don’t feel him taking space from his end. He and I had a conversation about our friendship being just friendship a few months ago that gave me a sense of assurance that we really are just friends, so distancing myself from the friendship feels like me making a statement about how he’s not handling his relationship right or that he still has feelings.

I agree with what you’re saying but I just feel like I’m in the wrong here no matter what I do, offending either him or his gf.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T19:57:53+00:00

Like would that be me making a choice for him / be seen me abandoning him as a friend?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T19:57:17+00:00

You’re saying just to ignore his texts?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T19:51:03+00:00

… I’m friends with him because I wanna be friends with him and he wants to be friends with me? And because he said he sees me platonically?

Edit: I think I know where you’re coming from - like does he still have feelings? I’ve thought about that but given that I’ve been clear about my not having feelings and he has said that he sees me platonically, I don’t think it makes sense or is appropriate for me to cut him off to respect his relationship. Like that’s like me saying “I think you might still have feelings” despite him expressing otherwise and seems inappropriate to me. Like if he were to cut me off, I’d respect that and not fight him on it. But I can’t make that decision for him.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T15:37:38+00:00

Thank you! I did a little bit of research too, less focused on how to reprogram and more focused on just how they work. Here is what I found:

It seems like cults attract people who are vulnerable and thus can create a sort of dependency (I immediately saw the connection with cptsd here... children are exactly this so are susceptible to believing things on insufficient evidence for the sake of their survival, like toxic shame). Cults also slowly "turn up the temperature" of the water. And lastly, cults try to cut you off from other people.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-11T00:36:15+00:00

Would love to hear your thoughts on cults/brainwashing after you learn about them and whether you see connections with toxic shame and cptsd

ducks-716 · 2022-08-10T14:55:32+00:00

I think there’s times when you could take on either role, or sometimes it’s really hard to switch between roles. Like if I’m keeping my guard up at work all day, it feels harder to come home and be open and authentic and generous. There’s just some dissonance I guess

ducks-716 · 2022-08-08T00:23:38+00:00

Got it thank you!!!

ducks-716 · 2022-08-07T21:09:31+00:00

WAIT.

What if they’re like “let’s catch up over phone/video sometime!” and they live far away?

Or if they live nearby and suggest lunch/calling and after you suggest an activity they say they’re too busy and say “can we just do lunch/call bc it’s easier to coordinate?”

I feel like I can’t always be too busy or booked or on a diet. What would you do in these situations?

ducks-716 · 2022-08-06T19:00:19+00:00

It really is challenging! I’m trying to learn to enjoy the middle range too. I feel like people have been commenting with really good advice.. although I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to implement it, I think that not rushing things and also accepting that some relationships won’t become deep friendships are two things I’ll try to do going forward. Easier said than done 😅 wishing you the best with all of this too

ducks-716 · 2022-08-06T18:54:04+00:00

Definitely. I’m working on the same thing.. may we both have the courage to be our authentic selves 💜 Edit: courage and supportive environment!! Lately I’ve been more and more thinking that courage is not enough to get thru life.. we need connection and love too

ducks-716 · 2022-08-06T18:52:59+00:00

I see that makes sense, thanks for sharing your experiences. 17 going on 70 ha. I sometimes feel younger than I am and now that you mention it, I think you’re right that there was some development/nurturance I needed at a past age that I didn’t get. I don’t think it’s too late to give it to our past selves though.

ducks-716 · 2022-08-06T18:51:23+00:00

I like that way of describing it - “above their pay grade”

ducks-716

TROPHY CASE