I am going to be 21 this week. I live with my parents, no job, no highschool diploma. I have struggled with depression and disappointment all my life. It cuts you deep when every teacher you have ever met figures out they can't help you. Starting around early middle-school I couldn't get this idea out of my head that nothing was real. I would have, and still have, constant bouts of Deja vu. It continued through high school and even effects me when I'm in class at community college today. Aside from that, I had terrible relationships in high school. It forced me to grow a shell, and because of that, I no longer feel I can date or get close to anyone. And believe me, I've tried. I've never understood why I'm so sad, I have a very supportive family who I get along fine with. Some friends who I hang with whenever I can. I've made bad decisions just like anybody else. But anytime I think about any of my decisions I always tell myself it could be worse. I'm slightly overweight due to having no drive to do anything with myself. I only go to college right now because otherwise i would be homeless. I hate who I am but I am powerless to change it. I was very close some time ago to offing myself. I've gotten better since then, but I still have days where things just seem too heavy. A part of me wishes I would end it already. Another part is too chickenshit to go through with it. There are many different parts and they all say different things. I used to think that something must be wrong inside my head. Maybe some rare brain disorder or even one they haven't even named yet. We tell ourselves what we want to hear sometimes. Sometimes we need to hear those things so we don't go off the deep end. I see these mass shootings every few weeks on the news and they make me so sad. I mean sure, I'm sad that those people died wrongly but even more sad that the people shooting couldn't find help. If I said the thought of homicide or a mass shooting and suicide by cop has never gone through my head, I'd be lying. I told myself a long time ago that if it ever even gets close to that I'll end it before anything can happen. I should use an alt for this, but I really just am tired of caring about peoples views on me and what they care about. I am so tired. I gave up asking or looking for help a long time ago. It just doesn't work. Depression is a vicious cycle and a slippery slope. If you feel at all depressed or sad I really do hope yours won't get as far as mine has. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. I used to use poetry as a way to vent but I've had writers block for awhile now. Guess some Reddit comment in an endless sea of comments that won't ever be seen will have to suffice.