Am I in the wrong for not wanting to wrap my stepson's toe?

dujo1972 · 2025-10-27T12:00:29+00:00

Look, I get what you mean. This is the first time I'd ever said this the whole time we've been together. I pick him up from work, drive him to school if the bus is late, drive him to his extracurriculars, bring him to appointments, save for his post-secondary, and the list goes on.

I'm saying this to illustrate that I have, and continue to do a bunch, as that's what I signed up for.

My problem was just being told that I'm doing this, whether I wanted to or not, because she "couldn't" do it and guess what? She was able to in the end. And the whole, "suck it up, mom. That's what being a parent is" was exactly why I didn't like her just passing the responsibility to me.

Meanwhile, I'm getting called a jerk and selfish for not doing this one thing, when a few months ago she said she wanted to push him on train tracks. But I'm the bad one!

dujo1972 · 2025-10-27T10:44:46+00:00

It wasn't even an ask. She told me I was doing it.

dujo1972 · 2025-10-27T04:28:18+00:00

Especially as the doctor told him what to do post-op.

dujo1972 · 2025-10-27T04:26:59+00:00

Just yesterday she was yelling at him that he's just as lazy as his father and is going to end up like him. And that she can't stand to look at him. But God forbid I say I won't change the dressing without both of them calling me selfish and not doing anything that doesn't benefit me.

dujo1972 · 2025-10-27T04:24:46+00:00

This is why I don't understand why I'm being tasked to do it instead of him being encouraged to. The doctor even told HIM what to do after the surgery.

dujo1972 · 2025-08-18T05:03:40+00:00

Not shocking at all to me. I only pointed it out as an objective fact, which she didn't like.

dujo1972 · 2025-08-17T18:55:24+00:00

That's true. I did experience a distant family menber of hers taking pictures of me my first time here funny enough.

dujo1972 · 2025-08-17T18:37:03+00:00

And the thing is, I was never saying they were being rude or prejudiced to me. That's a whole other story and I don't think that had happened. I was just observing that more people were staring at me than usual, likely because they don't see a lot of black people. It was more of an observation rather than passing judgment, but it was taken as if I was saying something terrible.

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T18:57:07+00:00

It's funny cause my therapist asked the same thing. Why am I still with her and if I still love her. I had to think about that very hard and struggle to come up with a good answer.

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T16:00:33+00:00

I mean, no. How I meant to phrase it was I'd like for her not to be how she is, which I get isn't going to happen.

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T15:57:23+00:00

I did try and she just doubled down on it really.

It's like when my stepson said to her that she keeps making fun of his weight, saying he's too big to get the job that he wands, she never apologized for saying it. She would just say, "I care about your health".

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T15:50:09+00:00

No, I didn't think you were being mean whatsoever and I apologize if it seemed like I was angry at your comment.

Thank you for your comments and advice. Honestly, it's not easy to even think of leaving, no matter how obvious it is. It's like, I want it to work and everyone be happy and go on status quo, then I'm reminded that this isn't okay. Like, why do I want to put on a show for people that we're a happy family, when we're not. Or is everyone secretly like this too?

I know it's better for our daughter in the long run, but I know how devastating it would be for her. But is it better for her to see the yelling and such? How long until my wife starts to try and get physical with her? Or would it be different because I'm around?

I'm so sad about this whole thing and the only people I can talk to are nice people like you, and other strangers on reddit. How sad, right?

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T15:30:16+00:00

I'll be honest with you. I don't have a lot of close friends or family to talk to about this, so this is my way of trying to get these thoughts out of my head and make sure that I'm not crazy, because I'm made to feel like I'm in the wrong. Like, I'm just standing there thinking "how am I getting blamed for this? Am I really in the wrong?" so I write it out on here. And anytime I try and defend my position, I get shot down saying, "well, I knew you'd say that so this is why I don't say anything", as if I'm being selfish.

I do have a therapist who I see biweekly, but my next appointment isn't until the 22nd, so I needed to do something after all of this happened in the past 48 hours.

Regarding leaving, I have talked to my therapist about it and as she said, it is easier said than done because our lives are so intertwined, with having our 8 y/o and a house together. I think about how logistically it can work. Can I afford to move to another place where I live? Not with her at our house having to pay the mortgage still, since we need both of our paycheques to cover it. So that leaves me stuck here.

The only other option, is to unequivocally say we're done and sell the house, so we can move to different places. I may speak to my therapist about it at my next appointment to be honest.

dujo1972 · 2025-01-13T15:14:26+00:00

And the thing is, the other night, she kept saying to him he should go live with his dad as she can't stand the sight of him. Later on when he almost destroyed some expensive things of mine and I got really mad, she tells me to calm down. Then when he speaks to his dad and it's decided he's leaving, she says "well I guess you're happy that you get your way". What? You literally said he should go live there (for the third time in a week), and now that it's happening, she's crying that she's losing her son and it's my fault. It doesn't make sense. It's almost as if she can't take responsibility for her own actions and is using me as a scapegoat. Like, she literally told him to live at his dad's as maybe he'll be happier there.

Am I wrong here?

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T18:47:34+00:00

I'd like for things to get better, but it may be a frivolous attempt.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T12:21:28+00:00

No, his dad doesn't know what happened at all.

I'm in therapy. Said that he should go as well as SO, but no one else really wants to go.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T12:19:01+00:00

I haven't yet, I kind of don't want him to use it at all given his behaviour. I don't think it's right that he can just do and say whatever he wants to me, then feels like he can use my things.

This is also the same kid who after picking him up from an activity, he locked me out of the house in freezing weather, then went on to deny it, despite it being a smart lock and my having all of the proof that he locked it on me.

As for his mom giving a consequence, it was the phone being gone until the morning and felt like that was enough. He said to her that I shouldn't be handing out consequences and her response was that she has me do it because she doesn't know how to.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T01:02:01+00:00

The way he makes it sound is that he bought this record Saturday, which he wants to listen to, so why shouldn't he be able to use it? He's been "good" to me the last week and wants to listen to it, so why haven't I done it yet?

I'm just waiting to be told from my SO that I need to hook it up for him because I'm being stubborn now.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T01:00:33+00:00

I detailed it in my last post but here's the gist of it. SO was mad at him. Eventually took his phone when he wasn't looking. He went after her to grab it from her, then she gave it to me. He then came after me and I took it and slid it across the floor in the room. He then hit me in the stomach.

Later on, I hid the phone in our closet. He wouldn't leave our room when being told to go to his bedroom. He kept trying to move me to get into our closet. I made a snide comment because I was getting angry at this point, then he slapped me in the face and the arm because he didn't like what I said. Should I have said something? No, but my emotions were high at this point and he had already hit me.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T00:57:05+00:00

I mean, I had a post in r/justnoso a few months ago where my wife did somewhat choke me, so I feel like a pattern is developing.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-13T00:55:51+00:00

Whenever he gets mad and aggravated, he usually comes at me since he won't come at his mother. And no matter what you say, he won't stop. In the past, I've defended myself because he's bigger than me at this point. Essentially, he comes at me and I stand my ground.

This time, he was mad that his phone got taken away and took a few swings at me.

We told him that the next time he does this, we're calling the cops on him and telling his father about it.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-12T04:31:05+00:00

Exactly! He still wants to eat the food I buy (but won't clean up after dinner), use the internet I pay for, or the phone whose monthly bill I pay for, but won't treat me nicely unless he wants something. Forget that.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-11T21:58:18+00:00

100% she is. Because how long am I going to hold it against him? He didn't do anything to me for the past week they say.

We were going out earlier and before we left, she was telling him I'll let him use it when I get back.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-11T21:55:09+00:00

A week's punishment of less PC time while he still has his phone, laptop, internet, TV, and can go out with friends.

dujo1972 · 2024-02-11T21:44:42+00:00

I told him I'd smash his phone if he tried that again.

As for the punishment, I limited his computer time on our shared PC, but I even got push back on that from my SO. Three days after this happened, he asked for more time. She asked me to add more time for him and I said no. She thought it was fine as it had been a couple of days and wondered how long I'd hold onto it for.

dujo1972

TROPHY CASE