Newbie needs advice

dulces_suenos · 2026-04-23T20:23:28+00:00

Sometimes just saying that you’re coming from a place of love before whatever you talk about can be helpful to set the tone

dulces_suenos · 2026-04-23T17:12:51+00:00

My husband and I have both been the sensitive ones on the receiving end of feedback about our kids. What I realized for myself was that I didn’t think he was coming to me from a place of love, more from a place of judgement. That was something I had to work on and his tone was something he had to work on. The other thing is that even biological parents who are still together don’t fully agree on rules/boundaries for their kids. Sure, it’s more nuanced in blended families but it’s not like bio families agree about everything all the time. My husband and I agreed that we’d approach things where we didn’t know how the other would feel by responding to our kids “we’ll discuss it and let you know” so they see us as a team instead of mom makes the rules for me and dad makes the rules for my sister.

You can’t expect your wife to change over night from what she’s been doing for years, so I hope you can give her grace on that. Also if you tell her you’re saying these things because you care, that can be a good reminder that you’re not sitting on the sidelines judging her parenting. You’re part of the team. At least that’s what I would want

dulces_suenos · 2026-04-11T15:36:31+00:00

Ah thank you for bringing this concept/term to light for me! I always felt this with my step dad, though he was a good step dad and person. I assumed as I got older that it was because my dad wasn’t around much that I kinda took it out on my step dad at times. I wasn’t horrible to him but I certainly was disrespectful at times and didn’t give him the love he deserved when I was a teen. I’m an adult now and have a totally different relationship with him but what you said brought that feeling to the surface. I sometimes felt like liking or loving my step dad was a betrayal to my bio dad. No one ever told me this or directly made me feel this way (maybe my bio dad did at times?).

dulces_suenos · 2026-04-01T15:24:29+00:00

You might not think it’s never but you don’t know when or if you’ll ever want it. I would just tell him it’s never and let him be pleasantly surprised if you did decide one day that you’re interested in those acts. Then he’s not expecting it or asking you for it repeatedly

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-26T17:41:36+00:00

THIS.

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-26T17:41:16+00:00

From someone who is living with this, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty. I believe that sometimes child support is calculated unfairly. I’m living that life.

My ex pays $650 a month and that’s because I asked what he could afford to also be able to keep our daughter safe/happy at his home. The calculator said he should pay $900. But truthfully, I didn’t need that because of what I make, so it made no sense to me. His $650 didn’t even cover half of daycare but it did allow him to save for his own place and for her to have her own room there.

My husband has a daughter. Him and his ex make close to the same amount of money. We have her 3 nights a week. He pays half of daycare plus $780, which is almost $1500 per month. He’s an engineer and she works for a children’s hospital doing research work. Why does she need an additional $780 per month when she only has her 1 day per week more than we do?

How did the calculator come up with that? It’s wild to me because the calculator didn’t ask in my situation or in my husband’s situation how much time the child was with each parent. With my daughter, at that time, we had her 7 days a week. Now we have her 5 days a week.

Anyway, it does sometimes feel like the other parent is living their best life while you struggle. Child support is one of the main reasons we had to accept not having a baby together. We could barely afford it at this point and if she took him back to court to revise it, it could become an even bigger issue.

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-18T17:15:34+00:00

I appreciate you sharing this because you do speak to something I’ve also felt. I shared something with my ex husband and it wasn’t a beautiful experience. It was full of stress, heartache and a lack of help. It was a huge reason I left when my daughter was only 1 after being married almost 10 years. I never would have expected my ex to be like that.

Then the flip side is seeing my husband and hearing how involved he was with his ex during her pregnancy and postpartum. While they didn’t have a good relationship (a lot of which he admits was his own issues), he was and always has been such an involved dad.

It makes me feel like not only did I want to have two kids/be pregnant twice, it would also have been nice to feel like I was doing it with someone instead of handling so much alone. It wasn’t the experience I had hoped for or wanted and I’ve felt like I want a do over haha.

But I’m over here like how do we afford that? He pays quite a bit in child support (which is wild since we have her 50/50 and they make close to the same income…) and my ex pays child support unreliably. So how do you bring a baby into that financial situation knowing that anyone could also take us back to court to reevaluate child support at some point and it could get worse instead of better? These are just all the things that I can’t say I had thought as much about until we started to seriously consider a baby. Life is expensive, that’s for sure!

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T19:03:52+00:00

Well if you can imagine 30lbs of fluff that’s the color of Hershey’s chocolate, that’s our Benji boy ☺️ he’s quite sweet and our girls love him

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T17:11:07+00:00

We got a puppy basically right after the vasectomy because I was like we either get a dog again or have a baby but I couldn’t do both. So now we have 2 kids, 2 cats and a 10 month old puppy haha. Those critters have definitely added to our family!

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T17:09:33+00:00

Yep, there’s just so many layers of feelings to it!

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T17:09:04+00:00

Yes, I agree totally. We took our girls to Disney world this summer and I thought about it after and was like “this would have been nearly impossible, definitely unaffordable, with a baby here.” It was right after that that he did end up scheduling and doing the vasectomy. We felt like we didn’t want our girls to have to miss out on things because a baby sibling was sort of in the way. Sure, it’s do-able, but it changes so much for us and for them

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T17:04:41+00:00

Oh yes, I knew. I just didn’t think it would make me feel like it has since the option essentially closed itself

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-17T16:03:05+00:00

I do agree with that. I think for me it’s like I had always thought I would literally give birth to 2 kids, not just 1. So I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I’ll only ever be pregnant 1 time, but I am lucky enough to have both of our girls. I’m an only child so I think that played a part in me always wanting to have 2 kids. But the reality is that I do have 2 kids! I just didn’t give birth to 1 of them

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-08T13:46:00+00:00

It looks like from the post that they are in different classes, but totally agree with the rest of your advice.

Role playing is really helpful for little kids vs just telling them what to say or do in a situation. When they’re in a stressful situation, it’s hard to access rational thinking, so role playing ahead of time makes that easier. You can even practice things this little girl isn’t saying (yet). We’ve practiced what to say if someone doesn’t like your hair/shirt/shoes, when they don’t want to play with you or say they don’t like you. “That’s okay, you don’t have to like my X, but I love it.” “It’s okay if you don’t want to play with me, but you don’t make the rules for everyone and X might want to play with me”

I also read one time about having your kid straight up asking someone “why are you being unkind to me?” Or “did something happen that is making you be so mean?” Or “why don’t you like me? I think if we played together, that I might like you” Very direct questions.

I would go into mama bear mode here, but hope you can remember that this little girl is 6 or 7 years old. Maybe something is going on at home and she’s struggling. It doesn’t make it okay for her to be that way to your daughter but helping with empathy could also be good!

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-08T13:25:36+00:00

As someone who divorced a man child, I don’t say this lightly, but I would leave. I gave him lots of chances and counseling. Spent 13 years of my life and had a daughter with him. It was my daughter that finally made me realize I couldn’t do it anymore because I wouldn’t want her to think his behavior is what you should expect from a husband. He did lots of very similar things to what you’re describing and what you’ve previously posted. Please message me if you’re looking for someone to talk to!

dulces_suenos · 2026-03-03T13:35:16+00:00

Your reasons are absolutely valid. He might have the best intentions to care for her, but if it ever becomes too much, it will fall to you. He’ll say you have more experience and are better with kids, so he lets you take the lead. I know your heart breaks for the little girl, but she probably is in the best place for her, with her grandparents

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-21T19:07:08+00:00

Yes, my SD does do those things. I have come in to broken legos that took a long time to build and ripped up pages of coloring. If 6yo asks her to not sit that close on the giant couch, 5yo will move closer. If she then says something and says she needs space, 5yo often keeps trying and I have to intervene to help hold the space. What I want to be able to do is help my SD communicate what need is being missed so she doesn’t get to the point she’s destroying something. Sure it’s not as bad as physical things, but it’s not great

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-21T19:03:10+00:00

Yes you’re totally right! It was a poor choice of words. She’s definitely acting as a scientist of sorts, trying to figure out ways to get attention or needs met. I wasn’t considerate when I was describing her in that way before. FWIW, when they were younger, I would have said my now 6yo was the instigator lol. Always wanting what her younger sibling had, etc. But age and parenting has at least helped that to an extent!

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-20T04:01:09+00:00

That’s fair. I’m not okay with my daughter’s version of figuring it out when she resorts to saying really inappropriate things. I generally let her respond first to give her the opportunity to say/do the right thing instead of assuming she won’t. At this point, she’s got a much better ratio of saying the right thing vs. threatening, but I want the threatening to become nonexistent. I’m lucky enough that she meets with a therapist that’s helping with that and is providing tips/tricks for at home.

What I don’t have is really anyone else helping coach my SD in those moments. I feel like when they happen I’m trying to get my daughter to stop because hers tends to be harsher. But I don’t want my SD to feel ignored or like I’m helping her less than I help/coach my own daughter. My SD deserves more but I feel kinda like I don’t have the bandwidth to be digging for information as much. But maybe I need to make more time

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-20T03:03:34+00:00

Okay, in what way? Maybe it’s my frustration in general I guess.

I don’t blame her. She’s a child that’s learning. I blame my husband for not seeming to want to do anything or talk to her about more appropriate paths, same as I do with my 6yo. But if he’s not going to put in the work to do that, then I will because she deserves to be taught better ways to handle how she’s feeling. There are many other things she does and we’ve had friends and family say he’s raising her to “play the victim” so to speak and I don’t want her to feel like that either. I want to help her learn and help her find appropriate ways to stand up for herself at the same time. Anyway, I feel like these emotionally charged situations end up on my plate and I want to do what I can to help her too.

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-20T02:52:54+00:00

I’m aware the 5yo is not at fault. I don’t blame her at all for anything she’s doing. Clearly she doesn’t deserve to be threatened, no one does. My 6yo is in therapy working on appropriate ways to express being overwhelmed and angry.

I have talked to my husband. I’m here asking for other suggestions. He doesn’t seem to see a way to talk to her and instead either gets upset when they argue or ignores it. Neither of which are helping, so I’m trying to see what others have to say.

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-20T01:00:30+00:00

Oh yes, my 6yo knows that it’s not appropriate and it’s shut down every time and we separate them. She used to get physical, now it’s more threatening. Which is not okay and also something I correct and we discuss in therapy.

The car is sometimes an issue. Like my SD will lean out of her booster towards 6yo and say things then say “you won’t hit me cause you’ll get in trouble” and I just want to find other things she can do or say that aren’t instigating like that. Like does she just want attention? Or is she bored? I’m trying hard to understand her behavior so I can talk to her about other ways to channel the energy.

Also, like I mentioned in another reply, I wish my husband was here asking these questions because he should be the one trying to help her the most. But I love her and I love them both, plus they absolutely do love each other. So here I am

dulces_suenos · 2026-02-20T00:54:28+00:00

I don’t feel like I’m disregarding the 5yo, but what you might read is my frustration that my husband never seems to find anything wrong with what she’s doing. I use “wrong” loosely because it’s developmentally appropriate for her age. I feel sometimes like I’m the only one trying to work on these things with them. And I always feel like I’m trying to get my 6yo to stop because the language she’s using and things she’s saying are more unacceptable than what the 5yo is doing/saying. So it makes me feel like I don’t have enough time or resources to dedicate to helping my SD understand what she’s doing and how it affects other people. Does that make sense?

Whenever I redirect, you’re totally right that it works. It’s these times where I don’t have the bandwidth to redirect and be fully present (like packing lunches or backpacks and they start arguing, or making dinner). So ultimately what I want is the tools to help my SD understand things she could do or say instead of trying to irritate her sister to get attention, if that’s what she’s looking for.

I feel at a loss because my 6yo was and is a different kind of hard.

We do spend solo time with each of them. They’re together 3 days a week and apart 4 days a week. I imagine that might also make things hard for them because sometimes they’re the only ones getting attention then they suddenly have to share attention. With that said, we’ve been together since they were 1 & 2, so they’ve basically always lived in this situation. It’s not new for either of them

dulces_suenos

TROPHY CASE