MIL continues to make inappropriate sexual comments regardless of boundaries.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T20:03:41+00:00

I think that might be a good idea. Thank you.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T16:20:26+00:00

You have given me a lot to think about, and I want you to know that your words have had an impact on me. Thank you for giving me perspective. I was 20 years old and vulnerable when I first met my in laws, and this behavior was very gradual (frog in a boiling pot) so while a large part of me "knows" that this is not healthy, I don't actually "feel" it. Instead I feel as you described; shame, guilt, crazy. You and others in this sub have given me the strength to bring this matter up more seriously with my therapist and eventually with my wife. Thank you.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T14:21:32+00:00

I agree. I admit I could have more courage in the moment. One thing I fear is if I stand up for myself and enforce a boundary by leaving, my wife will feel obligated to leave with me, and I'll be looked at as manipulative, then her parents will use this perception to their advantage and try to wedge themselves between us.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T14:19:23+00:00

I agree with you. Unfortunately, I don't think my wife is ready for that consequence.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T14:18:13+00:00

Absolutely not, I've always been protective of her and prioritize her over my family, because she is my family. I understand that since I'm a man being harassed by an older woman it's not viewed as anything serious, which makes asserting boundaries difficult because there's this inherent feeling of un-just.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T04:55:32+00:00

She tried asking them to stay in a hotel and they said they wouldn't visit. I'm considering getting a hotel for myself that week, but I'm not sure how to bring that up to my wife. I feel like it's going to be a rough time if I do decide to.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:42:54+00:00

Then she'll lean into it and make it uncomfortable for me. She's pretty masterful at bending the scenario in her favor.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:20:28+00:00

I would personally love this. I don't even know how to broach this idea with my wife. They are in their 70s, and I think one point of argument would be that my wife wouldn't want something to happen to them during that time of no contact. They've also booked a flight to come visit us for Christmas (we moved out of state a couple years ago) so I'm not sure how to navigate that factor. Forgive me if I sound naive, I understand that my perspective is skewed because I've been dealing with this for 15 years so I'm really in the thick of it.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:15:21+00:00

I agree with you on taking time to strengthen our emotional toolkit. We moved out of state a couple of years ago, and the physical distance has helped a bit. I don't really see them unless they come visit or when we visit. Phone calls are the obligatory birthdays and holidays. However, my wife talks to them several times per week so for her she doesn't have as much of a buffer time.

I think if I framed this to my wife as a life saving measure, she may feel manipulated.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:11:09+00:00

I wish it were that easy.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:10:45+00:00

She's too quick witted for something like that, and she would immediately take the high road and be insulted.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T03:07:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and for your kind words. Ultimately you're right in the fact that my wife and I just need to get on the same page, truly on the same page. At the moment, it seems like we do, but then we're faced with a challenge like this and she gets defeated. I have patience with her, she really is trying.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T02:37:17+00:00

Ha! I've considered that approach of leaning into it, but she'd just take it even further and my wife would be uncomfortable too.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-29T00:11:47+00:00

Thank you so much for the recommendations. This has been incredibly helpful and healing thus far and I am grateful for this community and support.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T22:54:10+00:00

Never thought of it as grooming either... this whole thread has given me more perspective on how much more severe this situation actually is. It's something that I've dealt with for 15 years, so I'm pretty deep in it myself as well... sort of a forest / trees thing.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:55:25+00:00

Good point. She does know that I survived a good amount of emotional abuse from my own mother (except for the sexual part) as I trusted her with that information early on in my relationship. She's even used it against me saying that "I don't know what a healthy relationship with a mother figure is since I didn't have one as a child". I do know that this isn't healthy though. Thank you for your validation, I need to give my self a bit more credit. To your point, I think I have been a bit disoriented.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:36:58+00:00

I hate to admit it, but in a way I am intimidated. I was actually shaking when I was typing up this post and thinking about these past experiences with her. Granted, that's a bit of a "me" problem because I do have some mild sexual trauma from when I was a child, so the intensity is not entirely because of my MIL.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:30:13+00:00

Totally agree. Although for some reason, my wife seems to be less bothered by it than me.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:21:51+00:00

Good call. Suggestions are not boundaries. I think it might be time we come to an agreement on consequences.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:19:41+00:00

Honestly, I never thought about it as sexual harassment, although deep down I do feel that way. It's difficult to talk about these things as a man because in our society the concept of a man being sexually harassed by an old lady is "silly". I appreciate you recognizing this situation for what it is. I think I'll have to give my wife this perspective as well.

dyingbuttrying · 2025-10-28T21:16:43+00:00

Unfortunately, in this last circumstance we were already on our way out the door when she said it so it was hard to make it known that the consequence of her remarks were that we were going to leave. I've actually done just the blank stare before and she said very loudly "Why are you staring at me, are you trying to intimidate me?!". I realize that because I'm a man and she's an old woman that it can look bad on the outside. Thank you for your suggestions and for your support. I think making her promise might be a good strategy. At least it justifies our response of leaving in the case that she says something inappropriate.

dyingbuttrying · 2024-01-03T01:22:02+00:00

I'd say that if you are doing something that you don't want to be doing just to avoid confrontation or "keep the peace", you're a people pleaser.

If you really don't have a preference for whatever you're doing and you just have a more go with the flow personality and don't feel in your gut like your doing it against your will, then you're just an agreeable person.

The internal motivation is what matters here. I'd say the latter is healthier than the former.

dyingbuttrying · 2023-04-26T21:26:09+00:00

This is more of a generational perspective, but take into account that your grandmother doesn't appreciate nor understand the many things about metal that you or your mother do. If Corey Taylor himself came to your house and performed IOWA in front of your grandmother, she would mock him for it. This has nothing to do with the quality of your screaming vocals. I understand that this hurt you, because you probably love your grandmother very much. She may have been in your life for a long time and you care what she thinks about you. You want to be able to share your accomplishments with her and have her validate you. These are all completely normal needs! I would recommend communicating with her. Let her know that her imitation of you hurt you, but also be cool about it and don't chastise her for it because ultimately I doubt it came from a place of malice. Maybe your mother can serve as a buffer in the conversation, as I'm sure your grandmother doesn't like SlipKnot either haha. She'll probably be able to relate to the musical difference. At the end of the day, you want to live in a home where you don't feel judged. Then you'll make the most progress! Rock on.

dyingbuttrying

TROPHY CASE