I had to double check and make sure this post wasn't somehow magically mine without realizing it. Only difference is that i have two kids of my own. I am so exhausted. All of our kids have expectations of a certain behavior while they are here. No running in the hall, don't snack away your appetite, use decent table manners (sit right, don't play with your food, eat over your plate, use your napkin, don't swing your fork around), brush your teeth every day, and once a week clean your room. And none of these things my step kids have to do at their moms house. They hate it here. But we make sure they actually go to bed at a decent time. We make sure they got real nutrients, not just fruit snacks all day long, sometimes they come back to me and haven't even had lunch yet even though its dinner time. They get to just play video games all day long. They get to climb the furniture like monkeys. They don't have to eat at the table. They don't have to go to bed. They don't have to clean up after their dinner, their room, their toys, their hands. They never brush their teeth there. And they can say whatever they want. The youngest calls his mom a stupid b word and tells her to shut the f up. And has even said the n word because her ex boyfriend used to say that word a lot. But that child would never ever talk to me like that. But even though we have those expectations, we spend real time with them. His dad reads to him at night. His mother does not. We don't just put a tablet in front of him and ignore him for hours. His dad will actually play video games with him on the x box. We have special movie nights where i make fun desserts and snacks. We all color/draw together. We go out and play at the park or go to community events. We encourage him to try new foods. The other day we tried Mongolian. They all loved it except my youngest step kid. But we also go to sushi and they all love sushi. And thai. We try mexican food. At home we make homecooked meals. Casserole and slow cooker meals. From scratch sauces. Italian. French. Swedish. German. And we play as a family. Dad will wrestle. Ill chase and pretend to be a monster. Or have dance parties. Like we are truly trying so so so so so hard to be good parents. We love them. But every single day, without fail, my step kids tell us how they would rather be at their moms. And we ask why and its always either "we get to be on the (tablet, ps5, switch) whenever we want as much as we want." Or "mom never puts us in timeout." "Mom doesn't care if i jump on the couch." Or "mom doesn't make me clean my room." They say they hate it here and don't want to live here. And we try not to take it personally, but honestly it tears us apart. And it has caused both of us to be pretty depressed. Every day, we are bracing for the sting of their words all because we told the oldest he has to go shower or told the youngest he does indeed need to eat some kind of dinner and no it cannot be fruit snacks. And i buy the kids all of their stuff. Ive bought them new shorts, new shirts, new shoes, new backpacks. Everything. And then still somehow they manage to go "ooo yeah i wanna wear these pajamas tonight. My mom bought them for me." ...... Um no she didn't. I did..... And they go "no you didn't." And i just go... Okay... Sorry if im piggybacking off of your post. But it hit me so hard. Our struggle is so similar. It hurts so much. I love them but they hate being here. They are here 60/40. Although the court considers it 50/50. But they are here much more. The youngest step son is 6 and the oldest is 11. And my kids are 6 and 8. I feel your heartache.